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- I would suggest giving the bird's name in the dialogue and completely omitting the last two or three sentences.“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari, looked at him from bright golden eyes. He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”
-I had to read the bolded part three times before it clicked. I would suggest rewording it to make it clear the first time one reads it.Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, The man jumped to the ground lightly.
What makes him so much faster than the average human?Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached it within an hour and a half.
the cup in it into the lap of a man who sat in a large, elaborately decorated chair.
- Aside from the typo, I have two suggestions here. (1)Switch the order of the sentences. (2) Elaborate. Why doesn't he like "these types of jobs"? What are "these types" and would Dante prefer instead?He really did not like these types of jobs. Orari clicked his beak in agreement.
- You already showed us that he hadn't heard the proposition. We don't need the fact spoon-fed to us.He hadn’t even heard what his proposition was!
- Repetitive. Try re-wording the last bit of the sentence so you aren't using "floor" twice. Maybe use what the floor is made of instead ie: "...hitting their heads on the marble"The force of it sent the guard flying backwards into his companion, knocking both of them on the floor, hitting their heads on the hard floor.
- First, you've already shown us that he has blue, slanted eyes. Second, it's a touch boring to read through a description. It's better show the reader what a person looks like rather than tell us. Example: You could say "Short peices of blue-black hair slipped out of the leather thong that held it in a low ponytail, falling into his slanted blue eyes." rather than telling us that he has blue-black hair.Arowsa gasped. A young man stared coldly at him. He couldn’t have been more than in his early twenties. He stood tall, six feet.-It would suffice to say "He stood six feet tall." here, now? He had slanted blue eyes with a slash running downward through his left eye from the top of the eyebrow to the middle of his cheek, and blue black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Short pieces slipped out of the leather thong holding his hair back, falling into his eyes.
-again, show don't tell.Jadell, was a small woman, perhaps the youngest commander to date. Her long, thick, black braid hung down her back, as her green eyes surveyed the glass case. Her long bangs fell in her eyes, and she was dressed in brown flowing pants, and a tight green sleeveless shirt. Black ankle high boots completed her look, and a small sword rested against her back.
- The way this is worded it's as if they've already recovered the cup. Since the next sentence clearly indicates they haven't, you might consider re-wording this.When they recovered it, she’d put in word to the Magistrate to have it moved somewhere safer.
- How did he get all that from a single click? I can understand a click being an affirmative answer to a question, but how can it tell him that a guard is headed straight for him. The same goes for the rest of the conversation after that.Dante’s eyes widened. “What?! They just left Geer? And now they’re tracking us? Oh, you have got to be joking. Why didn’t you tell me sooner you stupid bird?!”
- It is redundant to use "Besides" at the beginning and "anyway" at the end. Choose one or the other.Besides, it was likely that they would lie, anyway.
- wouldn't it be more appropriate to use "the perpetrator" instead of "Dante" here, since they have no way of knowing who killed the crime lord?So Jadell and her squad had headed off in the direction they figured Dante would go in: East, toward the oriental provinces.
It is grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with the word "but". Try re-wording this section.Dante twisted his neck around and stared at her, while inwardly congratulating himself on gaining titles such as notorious and legendary. But this woman was starting to annoy him.
“I worked hard to get to the position I’m in, thief.” Jadell spat.
then tied the end of the rope that was around Felix’s waist to the tree.
Two hours later, Dante snorted in disgust, as Felix drooled and snored on his shoulder.
- Birds don't chuckle.Orari’s shoulders shook as the bird silently chuckled.
- You just said she gave into the darkness, which indicates blacking out. You don't have to tell us again.Then she blacked out.
The man crouched on the roof of the building waiting for the guard to pass. Looking up toward the night sky he made a noise resembling a hawk’s cry. A flapping of wings followed, and a hawk landed on the his outstretched arm.
“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari,
looked at him from bright golden eyes. He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”
Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, The man jumped to the ground lightly. His boots made no sound on the packed dirt. Raising the hood on his cloak to cover his head, he crept along the edges of the building.
This man was Dante, and he was a thief who worked only for himself.
Looking back over his shoulder, Dante watched the guard turn the corer around the building. Excellent. He should have approximately twenty-two seconds to get inside the building. Jumping to the ground, he pulled an instrument from the pouch on his belt and expertly picked the lock. Quietly, he slipped inside.
Without waiting for his slanted blue eyes to adjust to the dark, Dante looked around. He had been provided with enough details about the building to know exactly where the artifact had been placed.
Quiet as a cat, Dante crept across the floor towards the glass case in the corner.
“Alright, Orari,” Dante whispered as he pulled a sharp tool from his belt. “Keep watch while I work.”
The bird chirped quietly, and Dante traced the tool over the top of the glass case, wincing as the metal of the tool scraped against the glass.
After the tool had made a sufficient mark in the glass, Dante pocketed the tool and pulled out a small band of metal. Slipping it through the crack in the glass, he carefully pried it up. Reaching his hand in carefully, he pulled out the object of his mission. A gold jeweled cup.
According to Dante’s calculations and observances of the guards for three days, the guard should now be rounding the corner to circle the building again, leaving Dante his opportunity to escape without notice.
Dante carefully crept to the door and out into the night. Quietly, he climbed into a nearby tree to witness the outcome of his work.
“There goes the guard…” Dante muttered to the hawk on his shoulder. “He’s going inside for his hourly check on the cup… He’s lighting a candle…He’s just figuring out the cup is gone….He will come rushing out to alert the other guards in exactly….three…two…one….”
The guard ran out the door and into the direction of the guard‘s station, panic written all over his face. Dante chuckled to himself. It was the same every time. The Peacekeepers in every city were so predictable.
Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached within an hour and a half.
Arriving in front of the cup’s destination, Dante walked up to the guard stationed there.
“I have come to see Arowsa “ Dante said quietly. The guard attempted to peer into Dante’s face, but found it nearly impossible from the shadow formed by the hood on Dante’s cloak.
“What business do you have here,” the guard asked suspiciously.
“I have retrieved something for Arowsa. I am here to deliver it.”
The guard stepped aside.
Dante swept past him, cloak flowing, and made his way down the hallway toward an ornate door at the end.
The guards stationed at the door quickly opened them. They knew better than to delay visitors to Arowsa.
Dante stepped into the large room and quickly crossed it, dropping the pouch with the cup in it into the lap of a man who sat in a large elaborately decorated chair.
“There. You have your cup. I demand my payment.” Dante muttered icily. He really did not like these type of jobs. Orari clicked his beak in agreement.
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