z

Young Writers Society


memoirs of a thief



User avatar
74 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2188
Reviews: 74
Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:12 pm
Sachiko says...



Ummm. This is my brainchild. I love this story. This is not my NaNo. Comments and crits welcome.

....Please go easy on it. Or not. Can't stop you really XD


Chapter One.

The man crouched on the roof of the building waiting for the guard to pass. Looking up toward the night sky he made a noise resembling a hawk’s cry. A flapping of wings followed, and a hawk landed on the his outstretched arm.

“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari,
looked at him from bright golden eyes. He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”

Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, The man jumped to the ground lightly. His boots made no sound on the packed dirt. Raising the hood on his cloak to cover his head, he crept along the edges of the building.

This man was Dante, and he was a thief who worked only for himself.

Looking back over his shoulder, Dante watched the guard turn the corer around the building. Excellent. He should have approximately twenty-two seconds to get inside the building. Jumping to the ground, he pulled an instrument from the pouch on his belt and expertly picked the lock. Quietly, he slipped inside.

Without waiting for his slanted blue eyes to adjust to the dark, Dante looked around. He had been provided with enough details about the building to know exactly where the artifact had been placed.

Quiet as a cat, Dante crept across the floor towards the glass case in the corner.

“Alright, Orari,” Dante whispered as he pulled a sharp tool from his belt. “Keep watch while I work.”

The bird chirped quietly, and Dante traced the tool over the top of the glass case, wincing as the metal of the tool scraped against the glass.

After the tool had made a sufficient mark in the glass, Dante pocketed the tool and pulled out a small band of metal. Slipping it through the crack in the glass, he carefully pried it up. Reaching his hand in carefully, he pulled out the object of his mission. A gold jeweled cup.

According to Dante’s calculations and observances of the guards for three days, the guard should now be rounding the corner to circle the building again, leaving Dante his opportunity to escape without notice.

Dante carefully crept to the door and out into the night. Quietly, he climbed into a nearby tree to witness the outcome of his work.

“There goes the guard…” Dante muttered to the hawk on his shoulder. “He’s going inside for his hourly check on the cup… He’s lighting a candle…He’s just figuring out the cup is gone….He will come rushing out to alert the other guards in exactly….three…two…one….”

The guard ran out the door and into the direction of the guard‘s station, panic written all over his face. Dante chuckled to himself. It was the same every time. The Peacekeepers in every city were so predictable.

Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached within an hour and a half.

Arriving in front of the cup’s destination, Dante walked up to the guard stationed there.

“I have come to see Arowsa “ Dante said quietly. The guard attempted to peer into Dante’s face, but found it nearly impossible from the shadow formed by the hood on Dante’s cloak.

“What business do you have here,” the guard asked suspiciously.

“I have retrieved something for Arowsa. I am here to deliver it.”

The guard stepped aside.

Dante swept past him, cloak flowing, and made his way down the hallway toward an ornate door at the end.

The guards stationed at the door quickly opened them. They knew better than to delay visitors to Arowsa.

Dante stepped into the large room and quickly crossed it, dropping the pouch with the cup in it into the lap of a man who sat in a large elaborately decorated chair.

“There. You have your cup. I demand my payment.” Dante muttered icily. He really did not like these type of jobs. Orari clicked his beak in agreement.

Arowsa, a fat man with the face of a toad, slid his hand inside the pouch and pulled out the cup. A smirk filled with greed crossed his features.

“Very well, thief, you shall receive your payment.” He dropped a large bag of coins into Dante’s outstretched hand.

Dante bowed his head and turned to leave.

“Before you leave, thief, I have a proposition for you.”

Dante stopped and briefly rolled his eyes. He replied without turning around.

“I refuse.”

Arowsa stared in shock. A common thief refuse him? The mighty Arowsa? Unheard of! No one refused Arowsa and got away with it. Ever. He hadn’t even heard what his proposition was!

“Guards! Seize him!!” Arowsa bellowed.

The two guards from outside the doors rushed in. Dante rolled his eyes again. This had to be the most pathetic crime lord he’d dealt with in a long time.

One of the guards rushed at him, short sword drawn, followed by the other. Dante swiftly kicked him hard in the stomach then sent him a well-aimed punch to the face. The force of it sent the guard flying backwards into his companion, knocking both of them on the floor, hitting their heads on the hard floor.

Dante slowly turned and faced Arowsa. Reaching up, he lifted back his hood and scowled.

Arowsa gasped. A young man stared coldly at him. He couldn’t have been more than in his early twenties. He stood tall, six feet. He had slanted blue eyes with a slash running downward through his left eye from the top of the eyebrow to the middle of his cheek, and blue black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Short pieces slipped out of the leather thong holding his hair back, falling into his eyes.

“I serve no one.” Dante muttered. Arowsa wasn’t even sure if he’d heard him at all.

Suddenly Dante was up in front of Arowsa and holding him up by the front of his shirt and pressing a knife against his throat. “Do I make myself clear?”

Arowsa nodded frantically, feeling the knife press into his throat.

“Good.”

Dante released him, and quickly slit his throat. Arowsa fell backwards, dead.

Replacing the hood over his head, Dante left.

* * *


At the crime scene, the Commander of Squad Six of the Elite Iorta, tried to figure out how the culprit had gotten a hold of the cup.

Jadell, was a small woman, perhaps the youngest commander to date. Her long, thick, black braid hung down her back, as her green eyes surveyed the glass case. Her long bangs fell in her eyes, and she was dressed in brown flowing pants, and a tight green sleeveless shirt. Black ankle high boots completed her look, and a small sword rested against her back.

She motioned to one of her captains. “Felix, I want you to scout the area and report back to me. See if there’s any thing unusual or out of place.

Felix, a tall, cheery looking boy of about eighteen or nineteen with blonde hair and bright gray eyes, nodded and ran off.

Jadell continued to examine the glass case. She swept a soft, smooth hand across the top, and felt for cracks of any sort. Nothing so far…. However when she ran her hand over the middle of the case her sensitive fingers felt a smooth thin cut. “What’s this…” She mumbled to herself. Placing her fingernail inside the crack, she ran her fingernail through it. Reaching inside the pouch on her belt, she pulled out the same tool Dante had used to lift the glass. Slipping the thin metal inside the crack, she was able to ease it up.

“That’s how they did it.” She muttered to herself.

“Commander?” Felix had returned.

She turned around. “What news?”

“We were able to detect footprints heading west into the forest toward the town of Geer. We suspect that someone hired a thief of some kind to break in and steal the cup.”

Jadell narrowed her eyes. The people of Geer were shrewd people, not to be trusted. She wouldn’t put it past any of them to try and steal their town’s heirloom. Although, why the heirloom was kept in the outskirts of the city was beyond her. When they recovered it, she’d put in word to the Magistrate to have it moved somewhere safer.

“I want a backup squad here as soon as possible. We’re going to pay Geer a little visit.”


* * *

Dante reclined against the trunk of a fallen tree while poking at brightly burning blaze. Any second now, Orari should return with dinner.

At the sound of wings signifying the hawk’s return, Dante braced himself, just in case the bird landed on his head again.

Instead, Orari landed a few feet in front of Dante and dropped a rabbit, looking at his master with bright golden eyes.

Picking up the rabbit, Dante skinned it and slid it onto a spit he had prepared earlier. As he turned the spit absently, the bird hopped up onto his shoulder and nipped his ear.

“Hey, what was that for?” Dante asked, glaring at his hawk.

Orari clicked his beak at him.

“What? You’re upset that we didn’t keep the cup?”

Click.

“Get over it, Orari. We can’t afford to be slowed down by useless junk. And that cup was by far the most useless piece of junk we’ve ever stolen.”



Click.

Dante stood up and flicked the bird off his shoulder. Orari flew up into a tree and glared at him out of his golden eyes. Dante raised his hands at the bird. “Well, sorry, Orari. We can’t be slowed down! I bet the authorities have already figured out that the cup has been stolen.”

Click.

Dante’s eyes widened. “What?! They just left Geer? And now they’re tracking us? Oh, you have got to be joking. Why didn’t you tell me sooner you stupid bird?!”

Orari preened his feathers and clicked his beak at him.

“YOU WERE MAD THAT WE DIDN’T KEEP THE STUPID CUP?! You’d better thank God your in a tree, Orari, or I’d throttle you!”

Click.

“Grrr, don’t tell me I would have more time to get away if I wasn’t arguing with you, you pile of feathers!”

Dante rushed around his hastily made camp and put out the fire. Grabbing his pack, he slung it over his shoulder.

Orari shot out of the tree and into the night air to keep watch.

Hastily, Dante took off into the woods, running as fast as he could. Overhead, Orari screeched.

Dante cursed under his breath. They were getting closer.

* * *

Jadell swept her sweaty bangs out of her eyes. Why in the world had she gotten bangs? They were just long enough to get in her eyes, but not long enough to tuck behind her ears.

They had just left Arowsa’s stronghold, where they’d found the crime lord dead, and two guards unconscious. There was no use questioning the other guards, as they most likely didn’t know anything. Besides, it was likely that they would lie, anyway. So Jadell and her squad had headed off in the direction they figured Dante would go in: East, toward the oriental provinces.

“Felix!” Jadell shouted. Felix scrambled from where he had been in the back of the patrol.

“Yes, Commander?” Felix panted, saluting.

Jadell swept her hair out of her eyes again. Dratted bangs.

“Scout the area. He might be nearby. We want to take him by surprise if possible.”

Felix nodded. “Yes, Commander!”

Jadell, suddenly tired, slumped by a nearby tree. Overhead, she heard a hawk screech, and then rustling in far off underbrush. She was brushing it off as a hawk hunting when Felix came rushing back.

“Commander! The culprit’s camp is just ahead! He should be no more than fifteen or twenty minutes ahead of us.”

Jadell leapt to her feet. “Good work, Felix.” She motioned to the rest of her squad. “Come on, men! Move it!”

She rushed off into the forest in the direction Felix had indicated.

Jadell rushed through the underbrush and dodged trees. A tree branch smacked her in the face. Brushing it out of the way, she continued running.

Up ahead, Dante could make out the slight sounds of someone stumbling through the underbrush. To a normal person, the sounds would be almost undetectable. But then, he wasn’t a normal person.
These were the Elite Iorta he was dealing with, he figured. They were the Peacekeepers of Rivenglen, and the top peacekeepers in the country.

Dante quickened his pace.

Behind him, Jadell had run into Dante’s hastily abandoned camp. Rushing though it, she continued on, her squad far behind her now.

Jadell forced herself to move faster, to the dismay of her already aching legs. Just ahead, she could catch glimpses of a hooded figure. Without slowing her pace, Jadell reached into her pouch and pulled out a small dagger.

Ahead, Dante cursed. He hadn’t bargained that these people would be so fast. He didn’t think he’d ever find someone who could match his speed. He fought the urge to look behind him. If he did, he would lose his advantage. But, unknown to him, he already had. Dante had been so busy thinking he hadn’t noticed a tree root sticking out of the ground. Lost in thought, he tripped and went down.

“Oof!” Dante groaned, getting a face full of dead leaves, mulch, and dirt.

Behind him, Jadell leapt at this opportunity.

Gripping her dagger, she sped up just as Dante regained his balance. As she was closing in on him, She threw the knife, and it went through his cloak, and pinned him to the tree root, causing Dante to trip and fall forward again.


Dante stood up quickly and yanked the dagger out of his cloak. Straightening, he made to take off again, but was knocked down by someone tackling him from behind.

“Got you,” his attacker hissed. It was a girl. She pinned him to the ground with her knees, and grabbed his arms. Taking a length of rope from her bag, she bound his wrists.

Underneath her, Dante found that he was having some slight difficulty breathing. Grunting, he pushed the troublesome weight off of his back, and stood up on his knees, shaking the hood off of his head. He twisted around and looked at the rope on his wrists, and then at her. Jadell gasped. The amusement in his eyes startled her momentarily. That, and the fact that he was so young! He only looked a few years older than she. Regaining her composure, Jadell pushed him facedown into the dirt again and sat on his knees, gripping his wrists roughly, so that he couldn’t escape.

Felix rushed through the trees. “Commander! Have you got him?”

“Yes, Felix. He’s under capture.”

Dante snorted. Like anyone could capture him. Jadell noted the snort, and jerked back on his hands. “Show some respect.” She said.

Felix walked over to Dante and, bending down, looked into his face. Then his eyes widened.

“Commander, do you know who this is? It’s Dante! The notorious artifact thief.”

This time, Jadell was the one snorting. She carefully got up from the ground. “I always thought the legendary Dante would have been older. And put up more of a fight.”

Dante twisted his neck around and stared at her, while inwardly congratulating himself on gaining titles such as notorious and legendary. But this woman was starting to annoy him. No way this could be the Elite Iorta.

Felix bent down and lifted Dante up roughly by his elbows. Reaching into his side pouch, he grabbed a large coil of rope. Tying one end to his waist, he tied the other end to Dante’s hands.

Jadell began re-braiding her hair, which had come loose during the chase. She couldn’t stand it loose.

“Bring him back to his camp. We’ll stay there tonight, then head back to town tomorrow.” she finished braiding her hair, and placed her hands on her hips.

Felix nodded. “Yes, Commander!”

Dante rolled his eyes and stared at her. Enough with the commander already! She didn’t even look old enough to be commander. She hardly looked old enough to be out of the Academy.

Jadell noticed Dante staring at her, and narrowed her eyes. “Kindly point your eyes elsewhere, thief.”

Dante simply continued to stare. Felix jerked roughly on the rope, causing Dante to fall slightly backwards.

“Watch it, thief. Show some respect to our Commander.”

Dante rolled his eyes again. “Please. She hardly looks like she’s old enough to be out of the Academy, let alone commanding a squad in the Elite Iorta.”

Smack!

Jadell’s hand was still poised from the slap, and her eyes were blazing. Dante stumbled backwards slightly from the force of it. Heh, he thought. I guess she could be a commander after all.

“I worked hard to get at the position I’m at, thief.” Jadell spat. “Don’t you dare try to mock me. Unlike you, I actually work to get something.”

Dante stared at her and raised his eyebrow.

Jadell sighed and rubbed her temples. “Bring him to the camp.” Turning around, she stalked off.

* * *

Felix deposited Dante roughly at the base of a tree in the same camp that Dante had been resting in while he had been waiting for Orari. How Ironic, Dante thought. But, then he realized that his hawk was not with him. Which meant that Orari could help get him out of this mess!

Felix double checked the bounds on Dante’s hands to make sure they were still tight, then tied the of the rope that was around Felix’s waist to the tree.

He looked down into Dante’s face and shook his head.

“The legendary Dante.” He mused. “I can’t believe it.”

Dante smirked and kicked Felix in the shin.

“Ouch!

Dante chuckled and smirked to himself as Felix scowled and limped off, then looked up at the sky and scanned it for Orari. No luck. Drat, this meant he would have to whistle for him, and that might alert the Elite Iorta to suspect something. Not that he cared. They needed something difficult to handle he thought. This was not the Elite Iorta he had heard the legends about. Not if it let a snot-nosed brat command a squad.

Leaning back against the tree, Dante decided to just relax and wait until the deepest part of night to call for Orari.


Jadell looked across the clearing at Dante while toying with a twig.. His arrogant attitude irritated her. Growling, she snapped the twig in half as she remembered how he had made light of her commandership.

‘Stupid no good thief.’ she thought to herself, as she leaned back against a tree, preparing to sleep.

“Felix,” she called. “Keep an eye on him.” She gestured to Dante. “Make sure he doesn’t run off.”

Felix nodded. “Yes, Commander!”

Jadell closed her eyes and drifted to sleep.

* * *

Two hours later, Dante snorted in disgust, as Felix drooled and snored on Dante’s shoulder.

Dante shook his head as Felix shifted in his sleep. Their so called “commander” had ordered Felix to keep an eye on Dante, not fall asleep against his shoulder.

Oh well, Dante figured. Now was as good a time as any to call Orari. The squad wouldn’t even notice he was gone, they were all sleeping so deeply.

Little did he know that across the clearing Jadell was watching him. Despite the fact that she knew Felix wanted to please her, the boy was exhausted, and slept like a rock. So for the last two hours Jadell had feigned sleep to keep an eye on their prisoner. To Jadell’s surprise, Dante had not fallen asleep. He merely looked as if he was biding his time. Jadell watched in interest at what he did next.

Dante looked up into the sky, and made a piercing whistle resembling a hawk’s call. Almost immediately Orari swept down from a nearby tree and landed on Dante’s shoulder, clicking in his ear.

“Don’t scold me for taking too long, you dumb bird,” Dante chuckled. “Just get me loose.”

Orari clicked his beak again, then flew down and got to work on the bounds on Dante’s hands. After gnawing through the ropes, Orari looked at Felix with a golden eye, and clicked his beak at Dante.

“Yes, I know some guy is snoring on my shoulder. Thank you, Orari for pointing that out to me.” Dante rolled his eyes and flexed his now free hands. “Bet he sleeps like a rock though.” Dante turned toward Felix and prodded his shoulder. Felix fell in the opposite direction, still sleeping, and landed with a thud on the forest floor.

Orari flew onto Dante’s shoulder and he looked at the bird. “See? Told you.”

Orari preened his feathers and cocked his head at Dante.

Dante chuckled at his hawk’s unspoken comment. “True, true.” he chuckled. “I also agree that he doesn’t look too bright. Let’s get out of here, shall we?”

Dante untied the rope from the tree, and coiled it up, placing it in his own pouch.

Gazing around at the sleeping squad, Dante shook his head. Out of the corner of his eye however, he noticed Jadell stirring. He decided not to pay any attention to her, and wait to see what would happen.

“Look at that, Orari. Who would have thought that the Elite Iorta would be such lazy fools? They should have known that they cannot capture the notorious Dante!”

Click.

“Yes, they called me notorious. And legendary.”

Click.

“Yes, they were serious.”

Click.

“What do you mean I don’t deserve it? I’ve stolen more artwork and artifacts than anyone else in the world, haven’t I?”

Click.

“Ok, that’s enough out of you, bird brain.” Orari’s shoulders shook as the bird silently chuckled.

Dante flicked the bird off his shoulder. “That’s it. No free rides for you. Carry your own weight.”

Dante took one last look at the squad scattered around the clearing. Shaking his head at the lot of them, he pulled his cloak around him, and stepped toward the edge. Before he could leave however, a dagger grazed his cheek and landed with a thud in the tree next to him. Dante felt his cheek, and his fingers came away wet with blood. Turning, he saw Jadell poised to throw another dagger.

“Do not move.” She uttered slowly.

Dante turned with deliberate slowness and faced her.

“And what if I do not obey the orders of the “commander“?” he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jadell threw the knife in her hands, and it whizzed by Dante, who barely dodged it.

“My, my, little girls shouldn’t be playing with such sharp objects.” Dante taunted. “You should be at home with mother.”

He walked calmly forward while marveling that her idiotic squad was still asleep. Reaching into his pouch, he pulled out a small syringe like tube filled with blue liquid. Stopping inches in front of Jadell, he held it up for her to see.

“See this?” he asked while Jadell stared at it. “This is a Aerostabber. One shot of this renders a human being helpless for twenty-four hours.” He twirled it under Jadell’s nose. “It won’t kill you, unless you overdose, but it has the poison of a hydropholic toad which, if enters the human blood system, temporarily paralyzes the entire body, and leaves it with nasty aftereffects, including, but not limited to, nausea, headaches, watery eyes, puking, upset stomach, and weak bowels.”

Jadell gaped at it. Hydropholic toad poison was nearly impossible to come by. How had he gotten it?

Dante yawned. “This belonged to a former employer of mine. He is no longer around to irritate me, thus, the reason why I have this fabulous substance.” He made to turn away, and Jadell sighed with relief. She did not wish to experience the effects of the poison. It sounded extremely unpleasant.

Dante had different plans however. At the last possible moment, he swung around, and plunged the syringe into a vein on Jadell’s arm. She winced as she felt the poison travel through her blood system, leaving her weak and powerless. Dante caught her as she fell to the ground.

Jadell glared at him.

“Ah, such a lovely glare, don’t you think Orari?” he asked the bird, who was perched on a tree branch.

Orari clicked his beak in reply.

“Ah, yes a good point you make there, my friend. We can’t have her alert can we? Or she may be able to alert the rest of her, ahem, squad to our whereabouts.”

He looked back down at Jadell, who wanted so dearly to smack him in the face.

“Please forgive me, my dear,” he said sarcastic regret in his words, “But, as I cannot have you awake and annoying…” He reached down and pressed pressure points on her face and behind her head on her neck. Jadell felt her senses wavering, and the last thing she saw before she gave into the darkness, was Dante’s piercing blue slanted eyes. Then she blacked out.


________
i have not edited this. I only moved it from the action adventure forum, and still have all my critiques from the other post.

^_^
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010





User avatar
389 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4209
Reviews: 389
Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:45 pm
SeraphTree says...



Break this up into two posts, because the length is very daunting :) :D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson





User avatar
389 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4209
Reviews: 389
Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:50 pm
SeraphTree says...



Break this up into two posts, because the length is very daunting :) :D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 16
Tue Nov 20, 2007 11:01 pm
Mystery Tracks Shh says...



This is really good! Keep writing!
hello





User avatar
602 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:11 am
Wolf says...



Ok, I really want to review this, but I have to do my homework now :(
I promise that I will as soon as I can though!
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html





User avatar
103 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 103
Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:45 pm
thething912 says...



I thought it was good, but, I wasn't able to finish it.
Check out my website for my Photography.





User avatar
602 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
Thu Nov 22, 2007 12:25 am
Wolf says...



Ok. This is going to take a long time.
I might get booted off the computer, so I might just to half tonight then the rest tomorrow. My comments are in bold.

Black Cat Sachiko wrote:Chapter One.

The man crouched on the roof of the building waiting for the guard to pass.

To make this flow better, I would suggest putting a comma after 'building'.

Looking up toward the night sky he made a noise resembling a hawk’s cry.

You use 'hawk' again in the next sentence, so I would suggest doing something like this: 'Looking up towards the night sky, he let out a high, fierce cry.'
Or something like that. :)


“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari,
looked at him from bright golden eyes.
He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”

I'm not sure why you started again on the next line after 'Orarl.'

Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, [s]The[/s]the man jumped to the ground lightly.

As you can see, I made a slight correction here. ^_^

Looking back over his shoulder, Dante watched the guard turn the corer around the building. Excellent. He should have approximately twenty-two seconds to get inside. [s]the building.[/s]

I made another little correction here too. :)

Quiet as a cat, Dante crept across the floor towards the glass case in the corner.

'Quiet as a cat' sounds a little odd. I would suggest doing something like 'Dante crept across the floor towards the glass case, moving stealthily through the gloom. His movements were quick and agile, like a predator stalking it's prey.'

The bird chirped quietly, and Dante traced the tool over the top of the glass case, wincing as the metal of the tool scraped against the glass.

If I am correct, hawks don't chirp. :wink: Maybe say that 'the bird blinked slowly' or something like that :P

After the tool had made a sufficient mark in the glass, Dante pocketed the tool and pulled out a small band of metal.

You keep mentioning 'the tool'. I think you should say if it is a knife/dagger, or at least provide some small description. Also, I don't think it's necessary to say 'Dante pocketed the tool.' You should just say, 'Dante pocketed it.'

Slipping it through the crack in the glass, he carefully pried it up. Reaching his hand in carefully, he pulled out the object of his mission. A gold jeweled cup.

These sentences sound a little awkward...:oops:
I think you should try something along these lines: 'Slipping it in through the crack in the glass, he carefully pried it up. He reached in carefully and pulled out the object of his mission; a gold, jewel-encrusted cup.'


Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached within an hour and a half.

That bit sounds a tad rushed...maybe you should slow down a little and add some imagery of the forest?

“I have come to see Arowsa “ Dante said quietly. The guard attempted to peer into Dante’s face, but found it nearly impossible from the shadow formed by the hood on Dante’s cloak.

You say 'Dante' a lot in these sentences. Maybe try something like this: '"I have come to see Arowsa." Dante quietly replied. The guard attempted to peer into the thief's cloak, but found it nearly impossible to do so because of the shadow formed by his cloak.'

“What business do you have [s]here,[/s]here?[b]” the guard asked suspiciously.

[b]I made a correction.


A smirk filled with greed crossed his features.

This sounds a little awkward...I think you should do something like this: 'A greedy smirk crossed his face.'

The force of it sent the guard flying backwards into his companion, knocking both of them on the floor, hitting their heads on the hard floor.

You mentioned the floor twice in that sentence. I would suggest re-wording it something like this: 'The force of it sent the guard flying backwards into his companion, knocking both of them to the floor. Their heads hit with a sickly crunch and they lay motionless on the smooth marble.'

Arowsa nodded frantically, feeling the knife press into his throat.

I would spruce this up a bit, maybe making it something like this: 'Arowsa nodded frantically, wincing as he felt the lethal cold point press into his throat.'

At the crime scene, the Commander of Squad Six of the Elite Iorta[s],[/s] tried to figure out how the culprit had gotten a hold of the cup.

I made a correction here too.

Jadell[s],[/s] was a small woman, perhaps the youngest commander to date.

Another correction.[/s]

Her long, thick, black braid hung down her back, [s]as[/s][b]and[/s] her green eyes surveyed the glass case. Her long bangs fell in her eyes, and she was dressed in brown flowing pants[s],[/s] and a tight green sleeveless shirt. Black ankle high boots completed her look, and a small sword rested against her back.

[b]I made a couple of corrections here. ^_^


She motioned to one of her captains. “Felix, I want you to scout the area and report back to me. See if there’s any thing unusual or out of place."

I added a quotation mark because one was missing.

“What’s this…” She mumbled to herself.

'Mumbled' doesn't seem like quite the right word. Maybe use 'Muttered' or 'Murmured' instead?

Placing her fingernail inside the crack, she ran her fingernail through it. Reaching inside the pouch on her belt, she pulled out the same tool Dante had used to lift the glass. Slipping the thin metal inside the crack, she was able to ease it up.

You started a lot of sentences with what she did. I can't explain it very well, so here's an example:
'Reaching inside the pouch on her belt,'
So yeah, you might want to cut down on those.



Jadell narrowed her eyes. The people of Geer were shrewd [s]people,[/s] not to be trusted.

I made another little correction.

* * *


That's all I can for now :(
Anyways, please don't take my comments too harshly. This is, in my honest opinion, an excellent story. The errors I found were mostly grammatical.

PROS:
I really like how in the beginning [when Dante is stealing the cup], you outlined his plan. I get the feeling that you really put a lot of thought into this. (ex: He had approximately 21 seconds..) It makes it seem more real. :D

This moves at a good pace, too. It's not rushed (except for that one bit I mentioned) and it flowed quite nicely.

CONS:
I noticed that sometimes you used a comma where it wasn't necessary and then didn't use a comma when it was needed. This isn't a major issue, but I just thought I just point that out.

Setting--I only really knew what his surroundings looked like in the beginning. I mean, I invented my own settings in m head, but still...
To remedy this, you should add little descriptions of what Arowsa's house looked like, and the forest, as well as the forest.

Emotions--I'm pretty sure that this is a narrative, but I still think you should include some more of Dante's thoughts and feelings. (ex: How did he feel when he stole the cup? Triumphant? etc)

OVERALL:
This has great potential! :D
I was really pulled into this story, and I can't wait to read and review the rest. The Characters were pretty well-developed, and the scenes were both suspenseful and vivid.
Keep writing this!
Hope this helped,
.:AYRA:.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html





User avatar
602 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
Thu Nov 22, 2007 12:55 am
Wolf says...



Turns out I have more time on the computer than I thought I did, so here's my next review:
Again, I put my comments in bold
P.s.- This still isn't all of it! :lol:

Black Cat Sachiko wrote:
At the sound of wings signifying the hawk’s return, Dante braced himself, just in case the bird landed on his head again.

This sounds a little stiff. Maybe change it to 'The sound of flapping wings filled the air and Dante braced himself, just in case the bird landed on his head again.'
Btw, Orari landed on his head? Lol! :lol:


Instead, Orari landed a few feet in front of Dante and dropped a rabbit, looking at his master with bright golden eyes.

You've already said 'bright golden eyes'. Maybe try something different, like: '...Looking at his master with an unfathomable look in his sharp amber eyes.'

Orari flew up into a tree and glared at him out of his golden eyes.

Again with the golden eyes. There are plenty of synonyms for gold: aureate, auric, auriferous, aurous, aurulent, blond, blonde, caramel, dusty, flaxen, gold, golden, honeyed, mellow yellow, ochroid, straw, tan, tawny, wheat, to name a few. Why not try one of those? I think 'tawny' sounds good :)

Dante’s eyes widened. “What?! They just left Geer? And now they’re tracking us? Oh, you have got to be joking. Why didn’t you tell me sooner you stupid bird?!”

Dante can understand Orari? If he can, I think you should clarify that a little more.

Orari preened his feathers and clicked his beak at him again.

I added 'again' to the end of that sentence. I think it sounds better, considering all the other times he's clicked his beak.

“YOU WERE MAD THAT WE DIDN’T KEEP THE STUPID CUP?! You’d better thank God [s]your[/s]you're in a tree, Orari, or I’d throttle you!”

Made a correction here.

Jadell swept her sweaty bangs out of her eyes. Why in the world had she gotten bangs?

'Gotten' sounds odd, like she just 'got' them over night or something. :P

They were just long enough to get in her eyes, but not long enough to tuck behind her ears. Maybe say: 'Why in the world had she grown them in the first place?'


Jadell rushed through the underbrush and dodged trees. A tree branch smacked her in the face.

I don't like the repetition of 'tree'. I think, in the second sentence, you should say 'A branch smacked her in the face.'

Gripping her dagger, she sped up just as Dante regained his balance. As she was closing in on him, She threw the knife, and it went through his cloak, and pinned him to the tree root, causing Dante to trip and fall forward again.

That last sentence is confusing; I don't recall reading that he got up again after tripping. Also, I think you should re-word that phrase so that it looks something like this: 'As she was closing in on him, she threw the knife. It ripped through his cloak and pinned him to the tree root, causing him to trip and fall forwards again.'


Just as good as the last piece!
I won't bother with the Pros and cons again, because you already know them ^.^
Anyways, this is going great! I'm really absorbed in the story and I can't wait to read the next bit! :D
Keep up the good work,
.:AYRA:.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html





User avatar
114 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 114
Fri Nov 23, 2007 7:40 pm
xhalcyonx128 says...



goodness, this is incredibly long. i read the first section, so for now ill critique that.

Chapter One.

The man crouched on the roof of the building waiting for the guard to pass. Looking up toward the night sky he made a noise resembling a hawk’s cry. A flapping of wings followed, and a hawk landed on the his outstretched arm.

towards the night sky, not toward

“Are you ready, my friend?” The man asked quietly. The bird, whose name was Orari,
looked at him from bright golden eyes. He smiled slightly. “I thought so.”

Making sure the guard was somewhat on his way, The man jumped to the ground lightly. His boots made no sound on the packed dirt. Raising the hood on his cloak to cover his head, he crept along the edges of the building.

This man was Dante, and he was a thief who worked only for himself.

dont switch tenses. this man IS dante, a thief who...

Looking back over his shoulder, Dante watched the guard turn the corer around the building. Excellent. He should have approximately twenty-two seconds to get inside the building. Jumping to the ground, he pulled an instrument from the pouch on his belt and expertly picked the lock. Quietly, he slipped inside.

corner is mispelled. also how did he jump to the ground twice?

Without waiting for his slanted blue eyes to adjust to the dark, Dante looked around. He had been provided with enough details about the building to know exactly where the artifact had been placed.

Quiet as a cat, Dante crept across the floor towards the glass case in the corner.

“Alright, Orari,” Dante whispered as he pulled a sharp tool from his belt. “Keep watch while I work.”

The bird chirped quietly, and Dante traced the tool over the top of the glass case, wincing as the metal of the tool scraped against the glass.

After the tool had made a sufficient mark in the glass, Dante pocketed the tool and pulled out a small band of metal. Slipping it through the crack in the glass, he carefully pried it up. Reaching his hand in carefully, he pulled out the object of his mission. A gold jeweled cup.

According to Dante’s calculations and observances of the guards for three days, the guard should now be rounding the corner to circle the building again, leaving Dante his opportunity to escape without notice.

Dante carefully crept to the door and out into the night. Quietly, he climbed into a nearby tree to witness the outcome of his work.

“There goes the guard…” Dante muttered to the hawk on his shoulder. “He’s going inside for his hourly check on the cup… He’s lighting a candle…He’s just figuring out the cup is gone….He will come rushing out to alert the other guards in exactly….three…two…one….”

The guard ran out the door and into the direction of the guard‘s station, panic written all over his face. Dante chuckled to himself. It was the same every time. The Peacekeepers in every city were so predictable.

Still chuckling, Dante headed back into the forest to a town which should have been three hours away, but with Dante’s speed, he reached within an hour and a half.

Arriving in front of the cup’s destination, Dante walked up to the guard stationed there.

“I have come to see Arowsa “ Dante said quietly. The guard attempted to peer into Dante’s face, but found it nearly impossible from the shadow formed by the hood on Dante’s cloak.

“What business do you have here,” the guard asked suspiciously.

“I have retrieved something for Arowsa. I am here to deliver it.”

The guard stepped aside.

Dante swept past him, cloak flowing, and made his way down the hallway toward an ornate door at the end.

The guards stationed at the door quickly opened them. They knew better than to delay visitors to Arowsa.

Dante stepped into the large room and quickly crossed it, dropping the pouch with the cup in it into the lap of a man who sat in a large elaborately decorated chair.

“There. You have your cup. I demand my payment.” Dante muttered icily. He really did not like these type of jobs. Orari clicked his beak in agreement.

Arowsa, a fat man with the face of a toad, slid his hand inside the pouch and pulled out the cup. A smirk filled with greed crossed his features.

“Very well, thief, you shall receive your payment.” He dropped a large bag of coins into Dante’s outstretched hand.

Dante bowed his head and turned to leave.

“Before you leave, thief, I have a proposition for you.”

Dante stopped and briefly rolled his eyes. He replied without turning around.

ok so he bowed his head in respect, then disrespectfully rolled his eyes. im not getting this guy.

“I refuse.”

Arowsa stared in shock. A common thief refuse him? The mighty Arowsa? Unheard of! No one refused Arowsa and got away with it. Ever. He hadn’t even heard what his proposition was!

id get rid of that last sentence. it doesnt matter that he didnt listen to the proposition, the important thing is he was defiant in the face of a crime lord.

“Guards! Seize him!!” Arowsa bellowed.

The two guards from outside the doors rushed in. Dante rolled his eyes again. This had to be the most pathetic crime lord he’d dealt with in a long time.

One of the guards rushed at him, short sword drawn, followed by the other. Dante swiftly kicked him hard in the stomach then sent him a well-aimed punch to the face. The force of it sent the guard flying backwards into his companion, knocking both of them on the floor, hitting their heads on the hard floor.

Dante slowly turned and faced Arowsa. Reaching up, he lifted back his hood and scowled.

Arowsa gasped. A young man stared coldly at him. He couldn’t have been more than in his early twenties. He stood tall, six feet. He had slanted blue eyes with a slash running downward through his left eye from the top of the eyebrow to the middle of his cheek, and blue black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Short pieces slipped out of the leather thong holding his hair back, falling into his eyes.

“I serve no one.” Dante muttered. Arowsa wasn’t even sure if he’d heard him at all.

Suddenly Dante was up in front of Arowsa and holding him up by the front of his shirt and pressing a knife against his throat. “Do I make myself clear?”

Arowsa nodded frantically, feeling the knife press into his throat.

“Good.”

Dante released him, and quickly slit his throat. Arowsa fell backwards, dead.

Replacing the hood over his head, Dante left.

-_- why kill him? the point of scaring him like that was to get the message across to others that he was a thief who served no one. if the guy is dead then he cant spread that message, so killing him serves no purpose but to increase the gore in your story. So far this isn't bad. I dont have much of a sence of time or setting though. and i sortof know what Dante looks like, but not alot. and all i know about his persona is he is a rogue thief. keep writing though, im interested to see where you went from here so ill read more later.
Be obscure clearly - E. B. White


Got YWS?





User avatar
602 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:00 pm
Wolf says...



Black cat Sachiko wrote:
Two hours later, Dante snorted in disgust, as Felix drooled and snored on Dante’s shoulder.

Get rid of the comma after 'disgust'. ^.^

Oh well, Dante figured. Now was as good a time as any to call Orari. The squad wouldn’t even notice he was gone, they were all sleeping so deeply.

Maybe it's just me, but I think you should replace the comma after 'gone' with a semi-colon.

Little did he know that across the clearing Jadell was watching him.

To make that sentence less awkward, you should add a comma after 'clearing'.

“Ok, that’s enough out of you, bird brain.” Orari’s shoulders shook as the bird silently chuckled.

Did you mean to say that Dante chuckled silently? It's kind of odd that the bird [Orari] is chuckling because a) birds can't chuckle and b) Why would Dante's shoulders be shaking?

Dante flicked the bird off his shoulder. “That’s it. No free rides for you. Carry your own weight.”

I read Snoink's review and I agree that he should probably carry Orari on his hand instead.

“Do not move.” She uttered slowly.

'Uttered' doesn't sound like quite the right word. How about: '"Do not move." Her voice was soft but filled with cold menace.' Or something like that.

Dante turned with deliberate slowness and faced her.

You just mentioned 'slowly' in the previous sentence, so I think you should say something else.

“And what if I do not obey the orders of the “commander“?” he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

The 'commander' part looks a tad awkward. I would suggest doing something like this: "And what if I do not obey the orders of the 'commander'?"

“My, my, little girls shouldn’t be playing with such sharp objects.” Dante taunted. “You should be at home with mother.”

He walked calmly forward while marveling that her idiotic squad was still asleep. Reaching into his pouch, he pulled out a small syringe like tube filled with blue liquid. Stopping inches in front of Jadell, he held it up for her to see.

It seems odd that Jadell didn't reply to his rather rude remark. Perhaps you should invent some dialogue for her or else say that Dante noticed that her face was shocked, angry etc.

“Please forgive me, my dear,” he said sarcastic regret in his words, “But, as I cannot have you awake and annoying…” He reached down and pressed pressure points on her face and behind her head on her neck. Jadell felt her senses wavering, and the last thing she saw before she gave into the darkness, was Dante’s piercing blue slanted eyes. Then she blacked out.

'Piercing blue slanted eyes' sounds awkward. I would suggest re-wording it to: 'Piercing, slanted blue eyes.'
Also, there's no need for a comma after 'darkness'.
Hmm...about the eyes sentence, I think you should say something that you haven't mentioned before. (You've already told us about his slanted blue eyes.) Like this:
'...was Dante's piercing cobalt gaze burning into her.'



OVERALL:
This was a lovely ending to the Chapter, but I think you should separate this into two different Chapters. It is rare in a novel to read one entire Chapter where the protagonist/main character is captured and escapes. I would suggest ending one Chapter where they capture him, and the next when he escapes.

This flowed very well--except for some small grammatical mistakes, it was excellent.
I liked how you didn't make Dante perfect; he did get captured, and he did get grazed by a dagger. I've read oh so many stories where the main character is untouchable.

Keep writing and PM me if you want me to review any of your other work!

-Ayra
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html





User avatar
74 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2188
Reviews: 74
Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:41 pm
Sachiko says...



I have to say, the response i've gotten to this is phenomenal. Seriously.

O.o

I will take all of your suggestions and critiques into consideration. I may or may not put up the second chapter, I haven't decided yet.

Again, thank you!

Sachiko
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010





User avatar
42 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 42
Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:29 am
Sythe says...



Black Cat Sachiko,

This took me forever to read. I've been sitting at this computer for like twenty minutes...

But it was amazing. Your language, your descriptions, they are just wonderful. I can't believe that you are such a fantastic author. You are like my hero, heh. My idol.

I can't complain about anything other than you say your character's names a lot. It got very repetitive. Sorry.

Otherwise it was really good. I'll look for the next one if its not so freaking long. Haha. Sorry...

:Sythe:





User avatar
150 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1639
Reviews: 150
Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:43 am
ChernobyllyInclined says...



The writing was good, the story flowed well, and the characters were funny and vivid.

The problem was that I felt like I had read it all before. The story-line, the dialogue, the description, was all fairly predictable and cliche. The fact is that cliches are not always bad, someone can tell the same story as another author and still sound fresh, unpredictable, etc. And I suggest that you go through this and try to develop your own characters and give them odd twists or strange nuances that will surprise the reader.

Also, when you find yourself slipping into using the same word or the same plot-device, try to switch it around and make it an interesting twist that will draw the reader in.

Good luck with this and keep up the good work. ^_^
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."





User avatar
194 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4125
Reviews: 194
Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:25 pm
Sela Locke says...



"while poking at brightly burning blaze"

Wouldn't that be 'a' brightly burning blaze?

It really is much better than most stories I've read so far. It might be slightly clique, but it definitely could turn out quite interesting.
Funny, I know a guy named Dante. He really is quite annoying. ^^

"“Commander! The culprit’s camp is just ahead! He should be no more than fifteen or twenty minutes ahead of us.”"

You could get rid of twenty/fifteen there, since you don't really need both. Not a big deal, though.

Overall, this is quite an interesting idea, and I look forward to reading the rest. :D

-Sela
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest





User avatar
43 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 551
Reviews: 43
Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:17 am
Kyuubi says...



Really, really, really long. But good anyway! :D I loved it! In my top 10, this is a 4. I can't really make any reviews on it though because of the fact that all the others got to it before I did. However, I will agree SeraphTree that you might need to break it into two posts. You also do seem to say the character's names a lot too. Anywhoo, great job.
"So, I was thinking, I've always wanted to ride a TaunTaun."
"Ummmm....I asked you answer the math problem on the board."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Yeah well, that's your opinion."...............A conversation between my teacher and I.








I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola