Young Writers Society

Angela walked along the street slowly. She was never in a hurry to get anywhere. Especially now. She didn't want to go off to see her new in-laws. Not on her birthday. They were such insufferable people. Not to mention she had a tendency of getting lost when going to their home.

As she continued down the ugly street, her mind began to drift. She wondered if she had left the oven on. Or maybe she hadn't locked the house. Yes, most certainly. She should go back immediately.

No, she mustn't. She had to do this. For Will. She took a breath, and kept walking. On the opposite side of the road, a plastic bag was dancing with the wind. She smiled at the silliness of her noticing something that arbitrary. How could she with all the noise about
.
With all the noise about?

Angela looked around her. The street was filled with an ungodly silence. There were only a few cars about. A hobo or two lay against a few walls drunkenly, but other than that, it was completely unpopulated. Angela shook her head. She hadn't moved at all, as if she had been waiting for some tumbleweed, or a coat of sepia to drench the world.

She turned to start walking again. That's when she saw him. A man, staggering forward, toward her. "Hey, are you okay?" The man didn't answer. He only collapsed into her. "Hey, buddy?" she set him down, "Do you need help? Want me to call an ambulance?" She removed her hand to get her phone out. She stopped in midair. Her hand was completely covered in red. The smell tinged her nose. She looked at the gash in the mans side.

"Oh, God." She pulled out her phone, and was halfway through dialing nine-one-one when another man immerged, stumbling toward her. This one's leg appeared to be twisted to the side. She could see a wound in his arms and neck. Another two followed. She walked up, "What happened?" They didn't answer. She pushed past them. They followed her with an eerie slowness. The other man, who had collapsed, got up, and begun following her too. She walked up to the alley they had come from. There were three or four bodies laying there. On top of them, a horde of people were digging into them with their hands and teeth, scooping out little bits and pieces of meat. "Oh. God."

Angela felt something crawling up her throat. It was too late to try to stop it. She vomited onto her new shoes. Turning her head from the cannibalistic acts going on only feet away, she shook her head, spat, and began to run. She past a stumbling a woman. And another. More and more people popped up out of nowhere. In her panic, she hadn't realized where she was going. She found herself outside of her in-laws apartment complex. She opened the doors, and climbed the stairs. Something grabbed her leg. She looked down to see someone trying to bite her Achilles tendon. Angie's foot came down on the creatures face. The movement stunned the beast, but it didn't kill it. Glancing around, she spotted a fire extinguisher. She pulled herself and the monster on the floor over to it, and promptly bashed him repeatedly in the head. As it stopped twitching, she breathed a sigh of relief, and then ran up the stairs.

She opened the door. "SURPRISE!" a cluster of people—friends and relatives— jumped out from behind furniture. She almost fell back, through the door.

"Did not expect that one," she murmured.

"Hey, honey," William immerged from the sea of smiles her, "are you okay? You look like you've been running. You have a few scratches, too. You didn't take the forest short cut, did you?"

"No, no," Angela replied, "I'm fine. Just a bit… hungry."

Heh. It was ok. Some funny moments, like the last line, but I found it a little hit-and-miss. The idea is a bit cliche, and I found the part when she vomited on her shoes a bit random. Maybe I need to read it through again, because unfortunately I didn't really 'get' it. It's not bad. Nothing was wrong with it in terms of words used, structure, punctiation etc. I just think you need to work on your ideas for this piece. With some editing your piece will be great. But, at the moment, I feek it leaves something to be desired.

Hmm. I actually liked that, in fact i think ill read a few more of your stories. One quick thing though, im confused about the surprise towards the end. Is everyone else oblivious to what is happening because its odd that your character went from an all out sprint to saftey and then is calm enough to make a humorous remark. Maybe there is a greater plot that i havent read but beyond that your work was overall great. You had me on the edge of my seat and up until the bashing and horror i only thought your character would be helping out an injured man. I love gory stories but gore without suspense is just your average 1980'ish zombie movie. But i have to admit you nailed it my only suggestion is give me a little more to fear. Screeching maybe, some moaning and eyes filled with the lust for blood. Take a few sentances to really put in perspective the beast you create in your stories. But other than that, phenomenal really!

@ajt- Honestly, the zombie thing was done because I didn't want to spend too much time on the description. It was written for a contest, and I had about a week to write. 600 word cap. So yeah, it isn't exactly great.

@bryan- Ah yes, the end. Firstly, I figure Angie wouldn't think people would believe her, not to mention, she is turning into a Zed herself, so she isn't exactly thinking clearly. As stated, I had a 600 word cap to write this one, so it isn't my best piece.

I agree that it was a little clique, but I still liked it.

She vomited onto her new shoes.

Agreed that this is random and unnecessary. I don't think one would puke in this situation, since you're main concern would be getting away, but I'm not sure because I've never been that sort of situation. :p And if she did puke, why wouldn't she lean over/puke to the side?

She past a stumbling a woman.

I think you mean passed.

She looked down to see someone trying to bite her Achilles tendon. Angie's foot came down on the creatures face.

I'm hesitant to add this, but I'll do it anyway, and if you don't agree, that's okay. When you first say someone, you imply that it's human, but it's not... just an animated corpse (which I guess is what you'd call a zombie). In the next sentence you call it a 'creature.' Normally, I wouldn't think 'creature' when somebody said the word 'human' (even though humans are creatures). So, I'm not sure if I'm wording this wrong or not, but if you don't get it I'll try to explain.

The movement stunned the beast, but it didn't kill it.

You don't need that extra 'it.'

Glancing around, she spotted a fire extinguisher. She pulled herself and the monster on the floor over to it, and promptly bashed him repeatedly in the head.

I caught this the second time reading. I thought you could remove fire extinguishers (it makes sense, in case if there's a fire) so why would she drag the monster. Just seems like unnecessary work. Also, it would seem like somebody would try not to touch it (at least I wouldn't want to).

I don't think it's too bad, honestly. I do think it could use a little more detail/emotion. I really liked the ending too.

Well, I’m not sure why people thinks this is cliche, though I must say it’s a little underdone. The part about vomiting, for instance. To me, this says that she’s overwhelmed by the hideous, inhuman things that are happening in the street and it’s just too gruesome for her to hold her lunch. Problem is, it isn’t. There is no real spark for the puking as it stands, as you really don’t get into the zombies.
I hate to say it, but “show don’t tell.”
OK, so you tell us that the zombies are eating people. We need a tad more graphics, for one thing.and we need a look into what Angela’s thinking. You only gave a random, “Oh God.” While it’s obvious that it’s Angela speaking, you don’t say she does and it’s just kinda hanging out there. You don’t tell us how revolted by this picture she is, nor do we know anything else about how she’s affected by what she sees.
As for the graphics, I don’t think you need too much detail, but I don’t think of horrible zombies eating people when I see the phrase “bits and pieces.” Also, change “meat” to “flesh” or something like that.
As is, I feel like the whole story is just an elaborate joke. It has a windup and a punchline and everything. I don’t feel any impact at all and, well, zombie stories normally have that. It’s not really tense at all, it’s just kinda relaxing and lackadaisical how she just trots away from the lurching fiends and suddenly winds up at a birthday party.
I dunno, it just seems lacking substance. It wasn’t bad, per se, but it needs something more.

to me personally grammars don't mean a big thing...the plot does. and your one was really good.......though some of it didn't make sense to me....you mentioned the apartment complex as the home of protagonist's in-laws but then her husband comes in the end and asks her if she took the road through the forest. Apartment complexes are usually seen in cities and you don't usually see forests in the middle of the city..anyway its your story and your the god of it.

Ha! The in-laws, huh?

Wonder when I'd be getting one?

About your story: the best thing that I liked is the concrete humor. It seems that you didn't actually try to put, the wit just came out naturally I also liked the way Angela thinks. In my belied, a lot of girls are in her shoes at the moment. Also, great work keeping the sentences structured!

Keep writing and posting!
Al, the Quick Critic