Young Writers Society

[deleted

Hi, I'm Mo.

This is my review:

Due to some mix-up, an unimportant target like Dallas had received over eighty megatons during the war. The huge crater was filled by poisoned water, which rained from the black clouds for three weeks. Thus the Black Lake was formed.

Who/what is Dallas? Why is Dallas unimportant? Eighty megatons of what?

Old Ben and his buddy Joe had gone foraging and had not returned. Nancy the soothsayer had left the village at night, never to return. And little Alice, only five years old, and without a hard bone in her body - had managed to wriggle away unnoticed. People were scared. Most of them felt powerless and ill in the last days. But Jimmy was as fit as ever.

Is he not saddened by this? Where is the emotion? Why have you chosen these three particular people to mention their names, did they have a significant role in Jimmy's life?

Obviously, there was some sort of monster, which lived below the sand. Obviously it fed on living things, which it could call to itself – not only sensitive people, but also coyotes.

Why is it obvious that there was a monster? Is this a usual occurrence for the land of the Perished? Why did his mood not change due to the fact that 1: He knew that all those people had died, and 2: He had found a monster that could kill him easily.

Its limbs appeared many times, to try to cover the hole again, but Jimmy beat at them with a stick, and they retracted.

What sort of limbs? Where they scaly? Where they human? Where they long or short? Rough and coarse or smooth like marble? - Describe the monster.

Inside, dead bodies were lined up on the ground, and the survivors – no more then a dozen, were wearily digging graves. All those who had felt ill the last days, had suddenly died.

Is Jimmy not saddened by this? Why were there no mourning husbands/wives? Was this usual procedure, a common occurrence?

Apparently the monster below the sand had already established a contact of some sort, strong enough to pass on its death agony to the poor folks of Perished.

Apparently; why is it so apparent? did they scream the way the monster did? Did Jimmy know any of the people? Had they all had similar symptoms and sickness?

Also who is Jimmy? What does he look like?...

Apart from that it is good and interesting, it held my attention, but I did think it may have happened a bit quick. Why was a 13 year old assigned what seems to me as the most important task for the land? and why was it quite easy? (he killed the monster, and you haven't really shown any time difference).

This is what I think.
If I have missed a previous post I apologise, but it just seems like there's a bit of the story missing

Anyway, good job.

Yo Mo,
thanxs for the review. It is a skeleton story, it can be inflated to twice its size, or to a vigenette, but I don't think i'll do that soon. Anyone willing to colaborate? Inject some meat onto the bones?
But I disagree about the megatons, and Dallas being unimportant - some things should be left to the imagination, and the basic knowledge of the sci fi fan.

Why was a 13 year old assigned what seems to me as the most important task for the land? and why was it quite easy?W - I believe these are the answers:
Jimmy was already 13, and had been a scout and a hunter for two years now. Unlike those born before the destruction, he was so experienced, that it was said that he was born this way.
and also People were scared. Most of them felt powerless and ill in the last days. But Jimmy was as fit as ever.

And the emotions... The emotions, reactions and choices of people is the same as we are used to, if we are dealing with a soap opera with a sci fi setting. Then the emotions and reactions are like in our everyday experience, but the scenery has been changed to signify "the future", or "other worlds".

The kid, for instance, was born after the nuclear holocaust, he knows no other world, does not have our criteria of beauty, of comfort, of danger, of sorrow, etc. Perhaps he will grow up into a post-apocalypse equivalent of the early Clint Eastwood spaghetti western characters.

Likewise, the settlement is not a mini-civilization which has existed for many generations, to the contraty - it was obviously organized by a motley crew of survivors, perhaps former salesmen, parking officers, bums, waiters, etc. Their social organization was formed spontaneously. Only very few people left alive, after the rest die from the monster's agony. Those left do not carry out rituals, do not mourn in a standartized way, they just dig the graves. Maybe later they will get drunk on pumpkin whiskey or something.

Thank you for making me formulate these things

Hi! I'm cottonrulz and I'm here to review. Well, duh. Anyway, this was a really sweet short piece - maybe a little too much so, as there was a lot of build up and then the ending felt sort of rushed.

So, nitpicks:

But the trail ended abruptly in the sand 50 feet from the lake itself.

I don't think I found anything mention-worthy in the first few paragraphs, so well done on writing a good opening - most of my nitpicks are normally in the first half. My point here is that I would write "fifty" rather than the number as it looks more professional.

Something was wrong here. People and coyotes don’t just disappear like this.

OK, the first sentence is in the past tense, the second is the present. ? I think you mean "didn't just..." rather than "don't".

Then three stick-like jagged limbs appeared, and begun scooping the sand back into place.

I would have "three stick-like, jagged limbs", and it's "began" not "begun"

Obviously, there was some sort of monster, which lived below the sand. Obviously it fed on living things, which it could call to itself – not only sensitive people, but also coyotes. Whatever it was – it had to go.

OK, it's only your phrasing that I have contest with. This is how I would have it:
"Obviously there was some sort of monster that lived below the sand. It clearly lived on living things, things it could call to itself - not just sensitive people, but also coyotes. Whatever it was, it had to go."
I might even have the "Whatever it was..." on its own line to give extra dramatic effect.

All in all, very nice. I like the ending - he has a bald head? But he's only thirteen! So intriguing!!
PM me if you have any questions or anything
~*cottonrulz*~

Yo, it's blackpencil here to review your work.
Starting off, you didn't desribe ANYTHING. You barely desribed the Black Lake, you hardly described the monster, and you didn't decribe the village or Jimmy at all. Be more desriptive.
Well, I liked the story, but your character has something to be desired: emotions. He seems to have none. Like when he finds the monster he basically is thinking, "Oh darn, a big old monster is eating all the people in the village. Too bad." Shouldn't he recoil in disgust, or mourn for the ones who died?
Or maybe he has no emotions from living in this horrible world for so long. If that's the case, I've read many books were battle hardened warriors don't like blood and such. Only maniacs do. Is Jimmy a maniac?
I loved the story, all in all. Good job!

I agree with everyone above me. To me, it almost seemed more like a list of actions taken than an actual story. There was no emotion written into the story, no one was shocked or scared. I know you said he has normal emotions, but different people respond differently to different situations. Obviously, he has different emotions from the others, because he is actually able to face this monster. Also, the lack of detail made this all very hard to picture. I had no idea what the creature looked like. So, because of these things, I was unable to enjoy this story.

I sort of liked the lack of emotion, it made the character unique. He is this strange little mutant living next to a radioactive lake, I think it's fine if he doesn't experience emotions like other people. I get bored with lengthy descriptions of predictable emotions anyway, I think too many people think emotions have to be written explicitly into stories. Hemingway is a great example of a writer who let's the reader work out how the characters are feeling by themselves.

I loved the last line, Jimmy is such a odd little creature.

Hey, as a forewarner, I didn't read the other reviews, which I probably should have, so I'm just going to go over everything I saw. The first part is grammar things, then the rest will be other stuff.

"Yellow tomatoes, shriveled pumpkins were the vegetables which would grow"

I would make this, "Were the only vegetables that would grow."

"And little Alice"

Can't start a sentence with and.

"little boneless Alice"

This isnt grammar, but just a question. Is this literal or metaphorical? Or a symbol to her youth.

"If the disappeared people"

This reads awkwardly to me, maybe saying "The missing people"?

"Obviously, there was some sort of monster, which lived below the sand. Obviously it fed on living things, which it could call to itself – not only sensitive people, but also coyotes."

two things, maybe watch the obviously, and he doesn't seem to surprised by the monster, and it hasn't been mentioned before that there were lots of them, so maybe add in an element of fear. Oh, and sensitive might be the wrong word, maybe sensible?

So now for the rest: *sorry if this sounds blunt or harsh*

So, you have a good idea, and it made me want to finish, but to me thats all that you have. There is no plot. There are events that happen, but there is no driving force behind them. The characters, are flat, and I kind of find myself hating the thirteen year old kid for being so heartless when he realized he had killed all but twelve of the people he had grown up with.

the setting of the story is also interesting, and I understand leaving it so you don't know exactly what happened, all of my stories tend to be like that, but I think you went about it the wrong way. Instead of dumping this information on us and making us think that we are just missing something, give it to us in the characters thoughts, or in dialogue.

That leeds me to my next point. When you write play the game show not tell. Dont just dump information on us, show it to us. I have trouble with this myself, so heres an article. Its not the best, but its good for starting.

Right now I feel like this is little more than an outline, which is a shame. This idea has a lot of potential to really develop the characters and show how such a desolate person can influence a person and his emotions. If you ever do write more to it I would greatly enjoy reading it. Again, sorry if that was harsh.

sorry, i forgot something, or saw something. I read the other reviews and saw your last reply. I disagree with what you said about us imagining. Yes it is a good thing, but it is the writers job to paint us a picture that is not so detailed that we can't connect with it, but something that we can put a little of ourselves into.

You can not assume, as a writer, that your readers are going to be veteran readers of sci-fi, so you have to explain some things. For instance, all that you said about Billy, and how the town was organized by a mottly crew struggling for survival, that can not be assumed by us.

But mooooooooost importantly, the emotions. You can not make us assume what he is feeling. We have no previous experience of him, we can not see him, we have nothing to base it on, so he seems like an a**h***.

thats all I have to say, for now, if you have anything to say, or feel that I was too harsh PM me.

Hi there, I'm OxfordandOnyx and I just thought I might as well read and review your story! (:

Okay, so your opening line....

Due to some mix-up, an unimportant target like Dallas had received over eighty megatons during the war.

This already throws me off, you don't explain who or what Dallas is and you do not explain to the reader what 'eighty megatons' means. The first sentence of a story should hook and draw the reader in but this just confuses me.

Just because this is sci-fi does not mean it can be left unexplained.

Old Ben and his buddy Joe had gone foraging and had not returned. Nancy the soothsayer had left the village at night, never to return. And little Alice, only five years old, and without a hard bone in her body....

Again I am left confused!
Who are these new characters you have introduced? What is their relationship to the MC? Is their one?

Your main character comes across as bland. This is due to the lack of emotion he shows. Isn't he scared about anything (after all, he is only thirteen and he has been assigned a dangerous task by the mayor)? Is he feeling Mournful (his world is in ruins)? Sad? You should add some character description so we get an idea of what this boy looks like- this will also add a little more life to him. Also, maybe add a little background information, we want to know more about Jimmy. Where did he come from? Who were his parents? Why is he special?

Through most of the story it feels as if you are dictating Jimmy's action to us. "Jimmy did this... Jimmy did that" and again, as you do not throw any of Jimmy's opinions into the mix or break his actions up with dialogue for example, backing up what someone above me said, it does feel a little like a list.

You have a lot of build up but then the story falls flat, because it feels the ending is a little rushed.

Jimmy scratched his bald skull, and went to his hut to get a shovel.

The last line just leaves the reader asking more questions. Why is getting a shovel? To clear up the bodies? Explain this as some readers maybe just get confused!

Overall, you have a nice idea but to develop the story I suggest you add more description of characters and explain certain things such as, 'megatons'- you cannot expect reader to 'know' what you are talking about 100% of the time!

Keep writing, I do like the idea of the black water and your ideas sound very interesting!

OxfordandOnyx

Thanx to everyone for their reviews, especially for reminding me not to write numbers with... numbers It seems the reader of the Perished needs to feel the sand beneath the protagonists legs, to remember with him his parents, to hear the Mayor recount how the war went, and how the survivers survived. The protagonist should have if not stronger emotions, then at least flashbacks, and not the reader, but the author must fill in the blanks. Agreed, these are mighty blanks here But honestly, I have no drive to make this story come alive. I've been busy anyway, but in the coming days, I should finish the Wound of Morpheus, and then I'd be gratefull for any analysis and remarks, because after that I will polish it and try for a magazine maybe...
"...darn, a sand monster" indeed hahaha

It's a shame you aren't going to fix this up, because no reader should ever give up on their works. I really think you could create a nice story out of this if you just use it as a concept idea. Again, sorry for how harsh my first review was. Also, in your comment, are you going to try this for a magazine? Because I certainly hope not.