Young Writers Society

TAKEN DOWN FOR REVISION
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Thank you for all the feedback

Another attempt of the begining of a snail paced story on a moon orbiting a gas giant

That was very interesting. First off, have mercy on our eyes and break off the paragraphs. The begining was a bit telly, and I was almost getting bored, but then you brought in the character. He sounds more like a teen than anything, with the whole "worlds can jump for all I care" attitude. I don't know him too well yet, so I can't say that for certain. It's a bit daring, choosing a main character which is older. But I liked it. Pm me for the next chapter, or if you have any questions. All in all, a very good, interesting peice.
Ofir

13/09/2009

I'll let this story sleep for a week, then I'll look at it again, edit, and send it to some magazine or other. So, anyone who can read sci-fi without action or adventure and still enjoy it - please give constructive (or deconstructive) feedback.

Couple of errors and strangely worded sentences.

like migrating bird

Perhaps 'Birds' is the word you were looking for.

Phenomena of this gargantuan proportions does

Replace 'this' with 'such' and 'does' with 'do'.

patterns of movement and change, which was all probably just multidimensional Brownian movement

Movement may have been mentioned too many times, also the use of 'Brownian movement' and later on 'Loki years'. You establish Loki is a planet, but you give us a piece of information 'loki years' which means nothing to us. Use the 'loki years' somewhere after you have established that its the name of a planet.

pieces of a hypothetical former moon

If they know that these craters were made from a former moon, why would it be hypothetical? You also repeat hypothetical in the same sentence too many times, the word also feels like the wrong one to use for this situation, describing how the craters were formed.

mysterious planetoid

It loses its mystery when you know its name .

Loki was the stop-over, where they would

Suggestion: replace comma with full stop and change 'where' to 'Here'. Helps to keep an even flow from sentence to sentence. Also this ensures the majority of that paragraph is not just one sentence rolling on. Please check to see if some of those commas are even necessary.

or even any active leasure in a day like this

Change to Leisure.

the "Amazonia" crater

Why use the "" if you have already established Amazonia as a location? Remove the "", they are not needed.

these enhanced vegetables

To go with the 'like a fairytale character' use enchanted instead of enhanced. Gives it nearly the same meaning but with a more fairytale feel.

inner processes

What of?

We are 30 light minutes away...Please expect us within two Earth hours

Do we already know the ratio between this world and Earth? What difference is there between Loki hours and Earth hours?

radio

By the time he received a radio signal from a ship 30 light minutes away, the ship would have already arrived and have been there for a while. Over the huge depths of space, radio signals do not travel quickly.

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Stopping at this point. Opening was not much of a hook, needs a bit of work catching the readers eyes. The paragraphs are too small, join some of them together. Minimum of three sentences in each, although four is better. This changes when it comes to, say, dialogue where its a new line for each character.

I felt that this new world was info dumped onto me. Sometimes errors do spoil it for me, unless the rest of the content is solid, then these errors are merely side notes to look out for. I also remember reading somewhere in the 'Rules' posts that each post should contain a maximum of around 1700 words.

Yo Dubaian,
thank you for the detailed feedback, concerning wording and paragraphs. And the wordcount - I had complitely missed the point with the story being too big. Perhaps it should be moved somewhere elese?

Stylewise, a quick defence concerning some problem points which you have highlighted, but behind which lie not only lack of attention and internal logic:

"You establish Loki is a planet, but you give us a piece of information 'loki years' which means nothing to us. Use the 'loki years' somewhere after you have established that its the name of a planet." - Now this was supposed to be a subtle suspence builder. 'Loki is the scandinavian pagan god of trickery - what does a Loki year mean?' At least this is what I hoped would be happening inside the reader's head.


If they know that these craters were made from a former moon, why would it be hypothetical? - It's a well developed theory, but just a theory. Its hypothetical. The elements of any theory, do not make it less hypothetical merely by existing, by being invented by the theorizer. The destroyed moon is part of a theory, there is no guarantee it ever really existed.

You also repeat hypothetical in the same sentence too many times, the word also feels like the wrong one to use for this situation, describing how the craters were formed.
It is the description of an unproven theory of the genesis of the bodies which in the past have made the craters. The word 'hypothetical' is used three times as a stylistic wink at the reader, but again I seem to baffle, instead of producing a grin.

mysterious planetoid

It loses its mystery when you know its name . - its name is not stated anywhere. Perhaps the confusion stems from it being a 'Phaetonic theory' - a refrence to the curious theory of the... hehe... hypothetical planet, which hypothetically had been between Mars and Jupiter, before hypothetically being destroyed and turned into what is today the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phaeton_(h ... cal_planet)

these enhanced vegetables

To go with the 'like a fairytale character' use enchanted instead of enhanced. Gives it nearly the same meaning but with a more fairytale feel. - thank you, I see what what you mean, but not for me no. There seems to vibrate a slight ring of pathos behind 'enchanted' in this context. The time of feeling tiny like a fairytale character is not necessarily an idyllic time of enchantment, certainly not in Frederic's case, just a refrence to describe his initial surrealist feelings, before adapting to the situation on Loki.

inner processes

What of? - I feel I have to show the whole part in question.

"In moments like this, 'tomorrow' and 'yesterday' disappeared, as did 'I did good' and 'I did bad'. The very 'I' retreated to the background of the inner processes, and merely watched, balanced in a curious state of distanced melancholic euphoria." - The watching and evaluating 'I' of us humans is not the sole process inside our brains and nervious systems, and when it retreats, it does not leave a mental and emotional vacuum. Other processes continue happening. Other inner mechanisms continue functioning. Thus, when Frederic's 'I' retreated, it merged with the other inner processes, which work parallel to the working of the 'I'. Like when I think "I am afraid" - the 'I' has seen and evaluated an inner process - fear. And so on.

We are 30 light minutes away...Please expect us within two Earth hours

Do we already know the ratio between this world and Earth? - hehe, kinda, kinda, obviously Earth time is used a standard, like the centimeter and the inch are used as standards of space, but the precise ratio would be, how you say it, needless infodump.

By the time he received a radio signal from a ship 30 light minutes away, the ship would have already arrived and have been there for a while. Over the huge depths of space, radio signals do not travel quickly. - hehe, kinda, kinda, perhaps they have super futuristic special radiowaves or something. Heh.

Anyway, thanx again, concerning the Arizona and 'Arizona' too

Hey, great story! Really interesting, reminded me a little of Doris Lessing's sci fi. I really like the start, I like how throughout the story there is this weird "fireworks" display going on. The tobacco is a nice touch, though if I was alone on a planet I'd probably get some marijuana happening, I'm guessing tomatoes as large as houses would make for some pretty interesting trips...
I think you should go in for some more character development of the junior "soldats," at the moment they're all pretty indistinguishable.
Also maybe expand a little on the whole "other world insanity," that was a fascinating concept, I wanted to know more.
But most importantly, that was a fantastic story, the sort of sci fi I like.