Young Writers Society

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Hey Alpha! I must say, this piece has a load of potential. I love the way you foreshadowed with the man in the movie theatre, and then threw in the surprise at the end, with the crazy dude being a wolf.

However, there are a few things that could be improved.

First of all, I think you should read the Rules. At YWS, we like to spread the love, which means having two reviews done for every work you post. Now, onto the real stuff.

Show, don't tell! Nearly every writer ever has heard that phrase. And it's important to show the reader what's happening, instead of simply telling us everything. Don't simply tell us, I did this. Then I did that. Instead, give us the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and feel of everything. This way, we'll be able to really get into to your story.

Like, for example, when your narrator discovers he's growing fur.

When I took off my shirt, I looked into the mirror then screamed. My chest and face was covered with hair, it almost looked like fur. I reached for my electric razor and shaved most of it off.

He screams, but after that, it's like growing fur is ho-hum. And the same with the raw meat. These things are completely abnormal and disturbing, especially when you lose control of yourself, and you have no idea what's happening. You can't just tell us what happened and go on--especially when what's happening is so weird. I think the narrator needs to feel more, be more freaked out, etc.

Only tell us what really matters. Some of what's written is extraneous info--that is, it doesn't have anything to do with the story. We don't need to know or care that the theatre was almost totally full if he stays until everyone is gone anyway. We don't care that he's a Facebook addict, or that his bathroom is seven steps away, you know? Only give us the things that matter.

The beginning was really sort of weird. I met this guy! He screamed at me! Then I got grounded! I think this should be done in a more subtle way. As in, maybe the man whispers, and then the narrator notices his red eyes and screams, and runs away. And the man just fades into the background. Right now, it's way to dramatic and almost laughable.

And, one more tiny thing: In the last bit, when he's jumping out the window. How does he know what he looks like? He hasn't seen himself in a mirror, or anything, so I think it would be sufficient to say something like, I felt like a real wolf instead of a full on description.

Okay! I hope this wasn't too harsh--it's only because I think this piece could be really great with some editing. And, anyway, 95 per cent of writing is rewriting. Welcome to YWS, and PM me if anything here was confusing, or you have any other questions!

-Mars

Ooh! Lovely improvements, Zakku. And (eep) it's Friday the thirteenth in three days!
DO NOT GO TO THE MOVIES.
So! Anyway, I did notice a few little errors that I think you'll catch after you read this again. Most of it was tense mix-ups, which can be tricky, and there might have been a spelling typo or two. I won't pick them all out now, but if you want me to, just say the word. But like I said, I think you'll catch them.

Yes. Really nice improvements, I think, I'm glad you took out some unneeded info, and it reads so much better now! Because we can actually get into the story instead of constantly thinking "And why is he telling us that?" So, yeah, good job! And I like that you gave us some more emotion about the character while he's changing.
I know it's a short story, but have you thought about continuing it?
Anyway, nice job. I look forward to more of your work.

Heya

I just wanted to suggest somthing about your work, i have no problems with the way you wrote it i just think that you had some good moments to really kick it up with some suspense, have some slower moments and let the transformation occur gradually, this means that you can draw out the horror of this poor boy and make it a little more painful and slow, have the parents almost find out, make him go to school and do some strange stuff there, use the main plot device of this peice to your advantage and use it to d=create some more tension.

ARCAUS

I think this is a really good idea for a story though i also think it needs a little work. There were some parts that i felt you could have made bigger, added more description maybe. Lines such as
"Freaked out," could have been changed. Maybe he rubs his eyes or cleans the mirror just to see if it's really happening.
"I threw the tooth brush to the floor and ran to my room. Rage suddenly came over me and I began to feel pain in my back and appendages."
This was good although it feels like there is something missing between "I ran to my room." and "Rage suddenly came over me"
"When I was on the window sill, I had transformed into something very different. My legs were hind, fur covered my entire body, and I had claw, pointed teeth, and ears. I had blood red eyes and a hunched back."
The beginning of this doesn't seem to flow right and how did he know his eyes were red, maybe he sees his reflection, I'm not sure.
"One of them spoke to me in a language of his own and I understood this language."
I think maybe you over-used the word 'language'.
Apart from that i think this story was very good, hope to read more of your work.

This was very good, Zakku. Interesting concept. However, I feel that you're telling too much. Describe a bit, use metaphors and similes. The way this is going, it's kind of flat, if you know what I mean. Spice it up a bit. For example:

Since I didn't have anything better to do, I decided to see a movie.

Perhaps add a bit of dialogue, like the MC telling his parents that he wants to go see a movie. These kind of things can improve your writing style and keep people interested. On the other hand, don't over-describe anything. That'll be really dull, and like Mars mentioned, it's unnecessary.

into my air

Methinks you mean 'ear'.

Other than that, this was okay. Try to develop this a bit more, and you'll have a good story in your hands. This could easily be expanded into a longer story, possible making a novella. At the very least, this could serve as a prologue. But anyway, I'm straying from the point. Good work with this. Polish it, spice it up, and it'll be lovely.

Wow, new version
The movie theater is a strange place for the creepy man to appear, but it's ok, with the darkness and all. Lame horror movie... it's definitely "The Happening" x3

The next morning, I rolled over in my bed and looked at my alarm clock, 11:00. Then I got out of bed, grabbed some clothes from my dresser, and went to the bathroom. I took my shirt off and still half awake, moved my hand swiftly across my face. It felt rough and fluffy, and then I rubbed my chest, which felt the same. Then I looked up into the mirror and saw the cause of these feelings. My face and chest were covered in large amounts of hair.

Interesting way of putting it, but I'd think that while standing in front of the mirror he would have seen the fur before feeling it? Maybe he should feel his face before he's in the bathroom?

Hair doesn't grow overnight, at least I don't think it does.

Some tense confusion here, or at least just minor tense confusion... should be "didn't think".
Ha, the raw meat part is awesome

After a dinner (which included salad and other vegetarian items), I went to the bathroom again to brush my teeth. I began brushing and I noticed that when the bristles moved across my teeth, it wasn't smooth brushing. It felt like there were gaps in between my teeth. I looked into the mirror and saw that my teeth were spikey!

Another part where I think he should've seen the reflection first? The wording is just sorta... off.
The part where he destroys the room is cool, but sorta undescriptive :S
Awesome how the creepy guy ends up being a wolf at the end of the story, but I must admit that the ending was really abrupt. Besides the abruptness of it, awesome story =D

Hi,
I read you short werewolf story and found it rather predictable. For a start there was no surprise about him becoming a werewolf because of the title and what the man in the cinema said. As for the actual transformation it was textbook, exactly the same as in every other book or film, there was nothing new, exciting and different about it. I also felt as though it was written in a rather dull way, not very exciting but some other person has already gone into more detail abut it.
To improve I suggest you...
- give it a more mysterious title, a hint,
- Have the man in the cinema say some thing more like a riddle,
- make it more exciting, re-order some of your sentences and use more exciting vocab,
- add a new feature to the transformation, something different, new and exciting,

If you do some more work on it I'm sure this can become amazing piece! Are you going to enter it into the short story about werewolves competition?
Also could you please review some of my work, be warned the prologue is rather dull.

Even though the piece is really good and funny, I think it should be a little longer and a bit more descriptive. Yet, even if this was the worste peice in the world (which it isn't!) I love werewolves and, therefore, love any story or tale about them. Anyway, bravo!