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Runner



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369 Reviews



Gender: Male
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Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:55 am
Conrad Rice says...



Running. The slapping sound that dirty white sneakers make when they strike wet pavement. The cold feeling that I get when the rain hits my hands and face. The fire in my lungs and heart, burning for oxygen. The lack of any feeling in my legs, the buzzing in my ears, the pain in my side. These are all familiar to me. For five years, they have been my closest friends.

The buildings tower above me, reaching up into a dark, grey sky. I run at their feet, an ant among giants. My breath is hot and ragged, leaving behind momentary bursts of fog wherever I pass. My throat is dry and nasty. I want to stop; not just stop for a breath, but stop running and just stand. But I know that if I do, the next breath I hear won’t be mine, and it won’t be human. So all I do is slow down a little.

I drift back as I run, putting myself on autopilot in a sense. I learned how to do this a while ago, before running became essential for survival. Someone called it meditation once, but he’s dead now, and anyway, he was wrong. Meditation is what funny men in robes do to get enlightened. This, this is the way I escape. The pain in my body fades away, and my motions are someone else’s. Only my mind is left.

I think about a man who lived a while back, long before the world went south. His name was Prefontaine. He was my idol, when I could stop running after two miles and collect a prize. He was good, better than me. I don’t know his exact times, or all the records he set. There are some things that a girl just knows.

He didn’t even have to run. He could have done anything in the world but run. And yet that was what he did. He went out and punished himself, going that extra mile. What I do every day for survival, Prefontaine did for fun. All this pain, every aching muscle, every frazzled nerve, was his pleasure. It’s a little hard for me to grasp.

My body hears something. I come rushing back, trying to determine a source. The first thing I do is look back over my shoulder. To tell the truth, I probably don’t even have to do that.

Shadows move behind me in the rain. But they aren’t really shadows. Shadows do not breathe. Shadows do not growl. And above all, shadows do not have eyes. These do. Horrible yellow eyes that pierce through the sheets of rain. The race is on.

I double my pace. There’s no way I’m going to let them get me that easily. If these things want me, want to eat me up like they did all of my family, my friends, everyone else, they’re going to have to really hoof it. Because I’ll die of exhaustion, hunger, thirst, anything before I let them lay one paw on me.

It’s a real race now. My legs are pumping hard, like organic pistons. I’m gasping for my breaths, acutely aware that one of them could be my last. I’m running wild-eyed and reckless. The course takes me through stores, around rubble. Above all though, I do not look back. You never look back at your opponents. You do that, deep inside you lose hope. And right now, hope is all I’ve got to run on.

The street is coming up to a river. I can hear the raging waters over my breath. The rain has let up. Ahead of me I can see a bridge that once spanned the troubled current. But even from here, it’s obvious that it’s broken in half. How badly? No clue.

They’re sounding closer now. A lot closer. I trick myself into thinking otherwise and rush ahead. The ruins of an elder time fall behind me. The monsters are still there. They always have been. Always will be, unless I fall.

Now I’m on the bridge. Someone appears, standing by the gap. I nearly stop, but instincts override my mind and I keep on. As I get closer I find I can see through him. He’s not real, not physically. But I don’t think he’s quite inconsequential.

I don’t recognize the face. It may be God, though I’ve never really seen what he looks like. It could be my mind’s idea of Prefontaine. Though I always pictured him looking much brighter. But it doesn’t matter who they are. They’re telling me all I need to know. “Keep running.”

The monsters won’t follow me over the gap. They hate water. They won’t even risk falling in it. If I can make it, it will be two days of walking before they catch up again. Of course, I don’t plan on walking. I’ve forgotten how.

Twenty more feet. The man who’s not there is still there. He’s cheering me on, towards the finish line. My opponents are still behind me, still coming on. All of a sudden I’m there. The gap is before me. I leap. I sail into the air over the dark, aquatic abyss. I feel the breeze rushing past me, the upward rise. But what really gets me is how it feels without any ground beneath my feet. Time creeps in those precious moments. I could fly. And in a sense I do. Right across the finish line.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.
  





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Tue Jul 15, 2008 2:14 am
Lethero says...



The cold feeling that I get when the rain hits my hands and face.


Switch hands and face around, it sounds much better that way.


Besides that one thing, I found nothing wrong with your story. It sounds good and kept me wanting to read on. If you need someone to review your story all you have to do is ask. Keep writing.

Boon the Werewolf
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Integrity First
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*Lethero*
  





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Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:03 am
mikedb1492 says...



Wow, that was pretty good. Great job. You descriptions were good and so were the thoughts. I usually don't like any works when it's in present tense, but I actually enjoyed this one. I guess when someone unexperienced tries it it sounds bad, but you pulled it off really well. Anway I'm glad I read it, and I'm sorry I can't give you any tips.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  





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Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:41 am
Curlyqpride says...



wow, this was really poetic in a way!

All the sentences lace together, and I could not only visualize everything that went on in the story, but also, i could 'feel' it, which makes it even more fantastic.

It builded up and never stop, and from this I can tell you are an amazing writer :) -Curly
Hello! I go by Curly!

I only give positive reviews because I don't like to give critism for some strange reason. :) If you would like a little sunshine in your story, please PM me!
  





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Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:17 pm
JFW1415 says...



*Glee* You never have short pieces, Con! My stuck-on-vacation-mode brain thanks you.

So, here comes the much delayed but promised critique!

Nit-Picks

I want to stop;

Why's he want to stop if they're his best friends? Maybe say 'For five years, they were my closest friends' to hint that something changed.

There are some things that a girl just knows.

The last bit really confused me at first, since you had just said she didn't know lots of things – I didn't realize you were referring to earlier.

All this pain, every aching muscle, every frazzled nerve,

I'd ditch this comma.

Shadows do not breathe. Shadows do not growl. And above all, shadows do not have eyes.

I'd turn all those 'do not's into 'don't's, just to make it smoother.

You do that, deep inside you lose hope.

I'd ditch the 'deep inside' or reword it so 'you lose hope' comes first.

They’re sounding closer now.

'They sound closer now.'

But it doesn’t matter who they are. They’re telling me all I need to know. “Keep running.”

They? Isn't it one person?

Overall Comments

I don't even know what to say, Con. I really really liked it, but maybe set up a bit more atmosphere? (The first things you notice – temperature, indoors/outdoors, people, night/day, etc.) Give us the feeling that it's deserted. You did a bit, but a little more expansion on that would be wonderful.

Oh, and the MC sounds like a boy, so the 'there are some things a girl just knows' thew me off. Either ditch that sentence, make it say 'boy,' or rework the whole piece, but I have no suggestions on the last bit - I still can't do that. O.o

And why was she running even before she saw them - wouldn't she want to save her energy?

*Gold star*

PM me for anything, 'kay?

~JFW1415
  





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Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:33 am
Syte says...



I liked it. It was written well. The descriptions were good, but at the same time they didn't slow things down. The entire time I was reading this I really felt like I was in a rush. Not rushing through the story, mind you, but the rush you get when adrenaline's pumping. I didn't see any mistakes as I read this piece. Good job!
  





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Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:50 pm
Autumn.Breeze. says...



I absolutely LOVE how you approached this story. The way you wrote it really described you character and made her feel real. Like every word spoken is as if your describing a piece that brings us closer to the character. I also like how you brought up stuff from the beginning from the story and brought it back later of in the story. Like the "Prefontaine" part. It made me go, "oh! I know this!" and made me feel more in tuned with the story.

The only thing I have to question would be in the third paragraph:
This, this is the way I escape.

The wording is a little odd. I mean, it helps creates your character more but it's too odd to be used. I say reword it if you can but if not, it won't be too big of a deal.
  





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Mon Jul 28, 2008 5:07 am
Tatra says...



I really like this story. The title drew me in, though that's partly because I watch Stargate Atlantis, but the story grabbed me and dragged me through the story.

I don't often like present tense, but I liked it in this story. It seemed to fit in, adding on to the apprehension of the piece. Part of the reason it thrusts people into the story. I also like how it combines with the ending to leave the question of survival unknown. With the present tense and the way the story just cuts off, you really don't know if the runner has survived or not. I like that.

Someone called it meditation once, but he’s dead now, [s]and[/s] anyway, he was wrong. Meditation is what funny men in robes do to get enlightened.

I would cut the first sentence off after the strike through, and connect the remainder to the second sentence. I think that it would flow better. I liked the mention of the mentor, and how the runner could have thought that it was meditation at some point in time, but now it's only about escape. Or, it could be that it was a method of escape before the runner really had to use it. That's the fun of your story as a short story. :D

I don’t know his exact times, or all the records he set. There are some things that a girl just knows.

Two things with this. If he was her idol, how come she didn't know his times or records? I get that the runner has something else on her mind now, but I would think that she would have memorized those details. Then, I'm with JFW, I thought that the runner was a boy. And, in fact, I never even noticed that sentence until she pointed it out. I think that this story would work just as well without any gender, speaking from a short story point of view.

I like the imagery that sneaks through her narrative, and the vague descriptions of the monsters chasing her. I think that this story does marvelous as a short story, but it would also be interesting to see how it translates into a longer story. There's a lot of history behind this universe, and the present in this universe sounds very interesting. I would leave this part intact if you do continue it though, it's just perfect.

Well, I think I've rambled enough about how much I like this story, so good luck with your writing!
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

- Incubus
  





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Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:06 am
magician847 says...



to start off with, it sounded like a regular day's jog in a park somewhere, but when the shadows and chase came into play it picked up a darker background, and sounds like it could even be like a cutseen in a videogame or somethink, A grade work dude!
  





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Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:07 pm
Cold And Broken Halleluja says...



I really liked how at the beginning, it seems she is running for the sake of running and then at the end of the second paragraph we realize she is running for her own survival. It was very interesting to the point where I really wish it was longer. :)

I do not really see any part you could improve on, save for this:

You do that, and deep inside you lose hope.


Perhaps it would sound better this way. Overall, it was a very descriptive piece. Congrats.
"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb." -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Help me get that second star! If you need a review, just send me a PM. (Keep it PG, please. Except for violence... I can handle that. ^^ )
  








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