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Svae Me (FanFic of Maximum Ride)



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Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:30 am
purpleunicorn39 says...



Max's POV
I ran into my room crying. my head hurt and so did my heart. i had seen Fang kissing another girl at school. I though Fang loved me but I guess he didn't. I flopped down on my bed and burried my face in my pillow and cryed.
10 minutes later i heard my door open. I knew who it was but I dodn't want to talk to them. Fang sat down on my bed next to me and started stroking my hair.
"Max? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Fang said quietly. I shook my head as best i could with my face still burried in my pillow. "Max, look at me."
i looked up and starred daggers at him. Then I saw a little face appear in the door way. It was Angel she took one look at me and rushed down stares to get the others. A few minutes later my room was filled with the whole flock, Angel, Gazzy, Nudge, Iggy, and Fang.
"Max what's wrong?" Angel asked in a small voice.
"I..I..I saw Fang....." I satred to say but my voice broke. " I saw him kissing another girl at school today." Iggy punched Fang in the arm.
"Dude!" Iggy yelled"
"What?" Fang said rubbing his arm.
"Max loves you." Iggy said gesturing to me.Fang turned and looked at me.
"Max? You love me?" Fang asked. I swiped at the mascara running under my eyes.
"Well....I did but now I'm not sure." I said looking and the ground.

Tell me if I should continue or just ditche the whole idea all together. :D
  





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Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:41 am
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dogs says...



Helloooo Purpleunicorn! Dogs here with your review today! Ok so this is a really great Idea, this story has lots of potential but there are a few kinks. I have never read Maximum Ride but I know the general story line. The biggest thing you have to be careful of when writing this is not falling into the junior writing trap. Well there are two traps really. One of them is the all action and no plot or just sappy love story which drive me insane. It it's going to be a love story at least make it somewhat realistic, I'm just referring to all love stories not particularly this one which does incorporate love I do presume.

The other trap and more important one is rushing the plot line. Rushing the plot line is very common with young writers and I am guilty of it myself. When writing it is essential to you lots of description, but not so much description that you writing is dripping with it and it's really hard to read, thats the problem I had with the scarlet letter (a short very descriptive book). Finding that perfect balance is very difficult.

So building off of the not rushing the plot line theme: Really one of the few problems I see with this writing is that you rush the plot line when there is soooo much potential to make this stronger. I can understand if this is just writing what is on your mind and not an actual story but still. If I were to write this it would be at least 2-3 pages just from your short "taster" you've given us.

All of the best writers have somewhat of a poetic air to the book or piece. Lots of metaphors and similes. One of my favorite books ever is the Great Gatsby which I highly suggest you read because it is packed with such brilliant imagery it is basically poetry, which is more my forte. Anywho, you need to add more imagery, for example talk about how Max's heart felt. Talk about how her eyes are pink and swollen from sobbing. Talk about how she was choking on breaths from her sobs. Talk about the sound of her crying. And those are things he need to add into just the first paragraph. You can extend that paragraph into an entire page.

Another important descriptive possibility is adding in the imagery of Fang kissing another girl. Have Max describe what actually happened, how Fang's lips locked with whomever he was kissing. Maybe show us how much Max likes Fang by having her describe her describe the perfection of his face or his lips. Which feeds into when Fang strokes her hair, talk about how perfect his hands feel or smooth or whatever.

Now the next part of your writing is where you get a big character let down from Max from a writing point of view. The second most important thing behind plot-line and description is having strong characters to back up your plot line. Thats why I love the Great Gatsby sooo much because the characters are so fantastic and are layered so well. I assume Max is a strong hearted woman that dosn't take crap from anyone. (just a total guess) and me guessing to what your characters are like is a huge red flag to you because it shows you that me, the reader, that you aren't making your characters clear enough if that makes sense.

And the rest of this part kinda falls apart a bit because everyone just comes in and Max says that fang was kissing another girl at school. That is a prime example of rushing the plot line and bad supporting of your characters. The reaction was as momentous as it really should have been.

And then finally, the last part about Max loving Fang. Yikes, personally I don't like it because firstly it rushes the plot line soooo hard core. Secondly because it is incredibly cheesy. And thirdly because of how un-realistic it is. I really really really reallllly suggest that you just re write that last part entirely and don't talk about how Max love's Fang but more so just like. Love is a strong word and in this case out of context because you have never supported that Max really loves Fang.

So those are the big things I really was able to point out. There are some more small things but I'll leave them be, also go over your grammar and capitalizing your i's. Sometimes the spelling for this thing doesn't work so you should copy and paste your writing into word and then use that spell check to correct your writing. P.M me if you have any more questions. Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:00 am
dasiamari says...



Instead of a review I have a question. A suggestion really. Your title, would that be Svae or Save?
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  








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