Young Writers Society

Everyone in the world can claim to be a part of a dysfunctional family. Not me, though. No, my family has proven far too many times to count that they are over-functional. Whether it’s random trips to various parts of the world for snowboarding training in the summer. Or, daily e-mails of the fascinating feats of all the family members. It’s each member of my generation’s goal in life to one up everyone else. So far, I’m losing. But everyone loves the underdog, right? Right?
“John started a Squash team at his college.” A team? For a vegetable? Ohhhhh-kayyyy. “And Christina started a Philosophy club at GA.” Maybe they could tell me where the sky starts. “Haven’t you heard? The sky starts where they are.” Okay, Penelope. “You watch too much Saturday Night Live.” I apologize for wasting my time on such humorous things instead of creating clubs that will change the past forever in the future. If you were in the philosophy club, that statement would make sense.
“Uncle Will and John are in California.” Must be starting the presidential campaign for 2046.
“Nick won’t be there. He has to go to Bermuda for the weekend.” Yeah, he’s being forced into it. The poor kid.
“John didn’t get into Yale.” Yes, finally failure! “He’s going to go to University of Illinois. He won a scholarship for a video contest.” What. “Yeah, he entered a video he made for fun of Abraham Lincoln and win.” Are you kidding me? What is this?
“Nick’s in the Little League World Series.” I’m pretty sure he’s not. “It’s probably just the championship for his town.” I did that too! What, because I’m Mary and not Nick or John, it’s just expected. Oh, that’s right, Mary has softball every day of her life. Who cares?
“Mom, how much are you against lying?” I asked carefully.
“Is that a trick question?”
“It wouldn’t really be lying.”
She gave me a funny look.
“At Aunt Denene’s super duper special surprise birthday party that no one is going to with the cake from oh holy Greenwich, can I talk about all the offers I’m getting from D1 schools? Please?”
“I’ve heard their endless voicemails. I forgot to tell you. The UCLA coach sent you a letter. It’s on the steps,” she said with a smirk, her eyes never leaving the road.
“Oh, not again. I’ve told them I don’t want to go there!”
“I was thinking Harvard might be good for you,” her voice lost the playful tone.
“We’re still kidding, right?”
“Well, now that you mention it…” she trailed off.
“Wait!” I screamed. “Pull in there! I need to buy my blonde wig and go-go boots. Just call me Elle Woods with a softball mitt.”
“As long as they’re pink. Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed."

Very funny! This was basically good, but it needs a little work....

My comments, etc. are in black.

Everyone in the world can claim to be a part of a dysfunctional family. Not me, though. No, my family has proven far too many times to count that they are over-functional. [This should probably say "overly-functional."] Whether it’s random trips to various parts of the world for snowboarding training in the summer, or daily [You cold probably do without the word "daily," but I'll leave that up to you.}e-mails of the fascinating feats of all the family members. It’s each member of my generation’s goal in life to one up everyone else [everyone else in your generation, or everyone else in the whole family? Maybe just say "It's the goal of each member of my family to one-up each other" or something like that.] . So far, I’m losing. But everyone loves the underdog, right? Right? [Haha.]

[This next paragraph would make more sense if you separated out the dialogue - like so:]

“John started a Squash team at his college.”

A team? For a vegetable? Ohhhhh-kayyyy. [Haha.]

“And Christina started a Philosophy club at GA.”

Maybe they could tell me where the sky starts.

“Haven’t you heard? The sky starts where they are.”

Okay, Penelope.

“You watch too much Saturday Night Live.”

I apologize for wasting my time on such humorous things instead of creating clubs that will change the past forever in the future. (If you were in the philosophy club, that statement would make sense.)

“Uncle Will and John are in California.”

Must be starting the presidential campaign for 2046.

“Nick won’t be there. He has to go to Bermuda for the weekend.”

Yeah, he’s being forced into it. The poor kid.

“John didn’t get into Yale.”

Yes! Finally, failure! [This is how I would do it, but it's a personal preference. Feel free to ignore if you prefer...]

“He’s going to go to University of Illinois. He won a scholarship for a video contest.”

What?

“Yeah, he entered a video he made for fun of Abraham Lincoln and win.”

Are you kidding me? What is this?

“Nick’s in the Little League World Series.”

I’m pretty sure he’s not.

“It’s probably just the championship for his town.”

I did that too! What, because I’m Mary and not Nick or John, it’s just expected? Oh, that’s right, Mary has softball every day of her life. Who cares?

[This last part kind of comes out of nowhere, and it's a little confusing. Why do you randomly ask your mom how much she's against lying? And why do you reply to "Is that a trick question" by saying "it wouldn't really be lying"? Or does this have to do with the next part, about offers from D1 schools? In which case, what does THAT have to do with lying? Try to clarify this last section somehow...]

“Mom, how much are you against lying?” I asked carefully.

“Is that a trick question?”

“It wouldn’t really be lying.”

She gave me a funny look.

“At Aunt Denene’s super duper special surprise birthday party that no one is going to with the cake from oh holy Greenwich, [should probably switch "with the cake from oh holy Greenwich" and "that no one is going to". By the way, why is no one going...? That's also a tad confusing.] can I talk about all the offers I’m getting from D1 schools? Please?”

“I’ve heard their endless voicemails. I forgot to tell you. The UCLA coach sent you a letter. It’s on the steps,” she said with a smirk, her eyes never leaving the road.

“Oh, not again. I’ve told them I don’t want to go there!”

“I was thinking Harvard might be good for you.” Her voice lost the playful tone.

“We’re still kidding, right?”

“Well, now that you mention it…” she trailed off.

“Wait!” I screamed. “Pull in there! [Pull in where? Or are you talking about stopping the conversation right there?]I need to buy my blonde wig and go-go boots. Just call me Elle Woods with a softball mitt.”

“As long as they’re pink. Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed." [I know where this is coming from, but it doesn't flow well with the rest... Since it's now you talking, even though this is a quote from Elle, you need to make the quote about something you're getting (ie, your go-go boots) or make it somehow relate more to you (pink softball mitt?) Due to the previous bit of dialogue, the reader will understand that this is another allusion to "Legally Blonde," even if it's not quite the real movie quote.]

I hope you found this helpful!

~Blue

Everyone in the world can claim to be a part of a dysfunctional family. Not me, though. No, my family has proven far too many times to count that they are overly-functional.

Whether it’s random trips to various parts of the world for snowboarding training in the summer. Or, daily e-mails of the fascinating feats of all the family members. It's weird the way you break these sentences up into fragments - it took me a couple tries to get what you were saying.

It’s each member of my generation’s goal in life to one up everyone else. So far, I’m losing. But everyone loves the underdog, right? Right? Ohh, I know how this feels...but it shows a lot about your character.

“John started a Squash team at his college.” A team? For a vegetable? Ohhhhh-kayyyy. “And Christina started a Philosophy club at GA.” Maybe they could tell me where the sky starts. “Haven’t you heard? The sky starts where they are.” Okay, Penelope. “You watch too much Saturday Night Live.” I apologize for wasting my time on such humorous things instead of creating clubs that will change the past forever in the future. If you were in the philosophy club, that statement would make sense. :LOL: This is really entertaining, I love your voice here; it shows a dry humor that adds a lot of voice (something a lot of people lack).

“Yeah, he entered a video he made for fun of Abraham Lincoln and won.” Are you kidding me? What is this?Watch your grammar!

Anyway, overall, this is an entertaining piece. I was kind of disappointed with where it ended though...I wanted to read more. But you have a good sense of character and a developed voice with a dry edge that works really well. There's something about this that's very likeable, and for that, good job.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver