Young Writers Society

PROLOGUE
"Lindsey!"
"In a minute mom"
"You said that five minutes ago, now come on its almost 10:30 you need to get to bed, you have school tomorrow"
"Exactly, that's why i have to be prepared, its the first day of senior year i can't let my readers down" Okay. Lindsey think. You can do this. A paragraph more to go.
"you'll do fine, you always do fine, now go to bed, what good is the paper going to be if you're too tired to get any work done?" mom says.
"ah...ready. come on, you're a reporter yourself you know what its like... just five more minutes... please?" i ask.
"fine but i expect to see you in bed in the next five minutes." Its how it plays out, every night...Of course we both know how its going to end.
"Yes, mom. Thanks." i win. i always win. Five minutes later, i remain true to my word, i'm ready for bed and the paper's ready for publishing. I brush my teeth and peep into mom's room to say goodnight. The bedroom light is off but the bedside lamp is own. Mom's reading sitting comfortably on her bed. its all she ever does lately... since dad died. I pretend to be surprised she's awake and ask what she's doing up so late. "Just reading this great book i found, you would love it" she says. but we both know she's lying, she's looking at dad's pictures again. "Cool, maybe you can lend it to me later" i say walking into the room. She closes the book and says "maybe, you're always so busy" She quickly regrets it then gets this apologetic look on her face but i smile reassuringly and say "its not my fault i was born with a reporter's blood". She smiles and we both know what she's thinking, she doesn't have to say it out loud. I sit beside her and hold her hand "Its going to be okay mom" She smiles "i know, just be careful". "You know i will, i always am."
She gets a crazy look in her eyes and i know she thinks she'll lose me too, i just don't know how to reassure her. "So how about a bedtime story?" Mom laughs that great laugh of hers. I miss it sometimes. "Thanks, but i'm not five" I laugh too "I was talking about me, silly" "Well you're not five either" I laugh again. "okay, so how about you tell me about the family who bought the house on the mountain."
"I should have guessed that's where you were leading with this" Mom says
"Mom, come on, that's what everyone's talking about, and we both know I'm going to get asked about it, i have to tell them something"
"Sweetie, sometimes people just need to mind their own business, and when i say people i mean this town" She gets that look again, she's still bitter about the rumors spread when dad died. "Please? you have to admit, someone buying the house where multiple murders took place is quite mysterious...i just need something"
"well you know what your dad always used to say... some mysteries need to remain a mystery because-"
"once you lose the mystery you lose the magic" i finish
"Exactly"
I smile at her. She's probably right but i can't help it. I need to know. Dad always said it run in the family, like we couldn't live without knowing everything...its what got him killed.

Hi Lindsay! Thanks for requesting, and welcome to YWS by the way!

Oh, and remember, next time you request a review from anyone here, please remember to give us reviewers the link as it will save us a lot of time from searching through your posts! But no worries; let us start now!

Here's how it works: I will first nitpick some mistakes or things that I don't like, then I'll point out the things that I did like in the story.

"Exactly, that's why i have to be prepared, its the first day of senior year i can't let my readers down" Okay. Lindsey think. You can do this. A paragraph more to go.

Thoughts should be italicised. Also, "i" should be "I".

The bedroom light is off but the bedside lamp is own.

What? The bedside lamp is own? What?

its all she ever does lately... since dad died.

"It's", not "its".

She quickly regrets it then gets this apologetic look on her face but i smile reassuringly and say "its not my fault i was born with a reporter's blood".

Blood is not countable. Also, this sentence is just too long! Try rewriting it.

"So how about a bedtime story?" Mom laughs that great laugh of hers. I miss it sometimes. "Thanks, but i'm not five" I laugh too

Wait --- who's talking again? Another thing --- I noticed that you don't really use commas or periods often, even when it's the end of a sentence. Please (I just cannot stress this enough!) use punctuation.

"I was talking about me, silly" "Well you're not five either" I laugh again.

Enter when a new person's speaking, like this:

"I was talking about me, silly!"

"Well, you're not five either!" I laugh again.

Overall, I find this a bit interesting. It's not enough to pull me in, for me to continue reading, but it's a pretty good start! Actually, the only things I found wrong with this prologue was the lack of punctuation and how you didn't capitalise the start of every sentence. Remember, spellcheck is your best friend as a writer. Always --- and I mean always --- run through your work through a word processor.

Anywho, I would love to read this if you expanded it a bit more! PM me if you have any questions or if you want me to review anything else. I promise I'll read your script soon, and never forget to keep writing!

~iceprincess =]

Thanks! I'll make the changes soon or right now. But thanks a lot for the help!