Born a Peach, Die a Hero
By Amanda Greene, Jenna Hurlburt, and Jason Hurlburt
Scene 1
(Juliet's castle underneath her window)
(Narrator enters)
Narrator- Our story begins at the end of a story that you've probably heard before. We begin on a cloudy spring evening, where two lovers are making their escape.
(Narrator moves to the side of the stage)
(Romeo enters and goes to Juliet's window, knocks)
Romeo-(whispers) Juliet! Psst! Juliet!
(Juliet opens window, Romeo helps Juliet out of window)
Romeo- Quick! We have to make it to the church before dawn!
Juliet- Where are we going?
(Romeo rolls eyes and sighs)
Romeo- Just come on!
Juliet- OK!
(run off stage)
Scene 2
(At their castle, one year later)
Juliet- Oh, Romeo! We just got married!
Romeo- You've said that three times today, and we've been married for a year!
Juliet- We've been married for a year? I thought that we've been married for twelve months!
Romeo- That's what I've been trying to tell you!
Juliet- Really?
(Romeo opens his mouth to reply, but baby starts crying)
Juliet- Duty calls. (exits)
Romeo-(Sits in chair) Oy.
(Juliet comes in holding baby, and singing out of tune, shaking baby to the beat)
Juliet- Twinkle, twinkle, little Star, how I wonder what you are. (Freezes) Oh my gosh! It's a bee!
Romeo- Don't worry, you're not allergic to bees.
Juliet-(Flinging baby over the balcony) I'm allergic to bees!
(Romeo stands up, knocking chair over)
Romeo- Juliet! Look what you've done!
(Both run over to balcony)
Romeo- You dropped Baby Zane!
Scene 3
(Forest by the river at the base of the castle)
(Peter and Iola enter)
Peter- See any more clover, Iola?
Iola- (shaking head) Woof. (Looks up, eyes widen as she sees the baby falling) RAARF!
Peter- What's the --- (Baby lands in basket on Peter's back) Oof! (Peter falls on his face, face lands in mud. Lifts his head, which is covered in mud) Stuuuuuupid Turtledoves.
Iola- (pointing at a clump of clovers) Woof! Woof!
Peter- Come on, Iola, we're going home. I've had enough turtledoves for today. (Looks at the sky and shakes his fist) When I get my sight back, I'll get you!
(Peter and Iola start to exit)
Peter- Brainless feather-balls! Always meddling in my affairs. A poor old man can't even take a walk without being bombarded.
(Both exit)
Scene 4
(Hermit's cottage)
(Hermit is emptying basket, and pulls out the baby)
Peter- That's the biggest peach I ever saw!
(Narrator goes to the center of the stage)
Narrator- Note: He's blind.
(Narrator goes back to the side of the stage)
Peter- (putting baby in pantry) Better save this for breakfast. (Shuts pantry)
(Peter goes to sit down, baby starts crying)
Peter- Oh No! It's the Turtledoves! Take cover! Go, go, go!
(Dives under the table grabbing bowl to put on head, and a spoon as a weapon)
Peter- (coming out from underneath the table) Shh! Iola! They're in the pantry! They're after the peach! We must save the peach! Charge!
(Jumps into the pantry)
Peter- (inside pantry) Hmmm. No Turtledoves in here, but what SMELLS? Oh no. They rotted the peach! Where is it? I've got to see how much damage they did.... Yup. It's definitely the peach.
(Baby cries)
Peter- Wait a minute, peaches don't cry! Holy Kanole! It's a baby!
(Steps out with baby)
Peter- Whoo! You smell! Let's change you.
(Attempts to change diaper)
Peter- Oh! I give up! (plops diaper on Baby's head)
(Iola fixes as Peter prepares bottle)
(Peter picks up Iola and feeds her the bottle)
Peter- Umph! You've been power eating! Did you eat my peach?
Baby- Turtledove!
Peter- (looking around anxiously) Where?!?
Scene 5
(Forest)
Narrator- Fourteen years later. (Back to the side of the stage)
(Giorgio enters carrying basket)
Giorgio- Hi. I'm Giorgio. I'm different than the other boys. Part because I was raised by a hermit named Peter. Yeah, Peter's really eccentric.
(Peter enters, pats Giorgio on the back)
Peter- I remember when you were just a little peach.
Giorgio- Yes, I know.
(Peter exits)
(Minotaur sneaks up behind & starts eating food from basket)
Giorgio- I'm fourteen. My favorite food is peaches-- I guess it's Peter's favorite too. I—ah, well, umm, when I grow up, I want to be... Promise not to tell? It's kinda embarrassing. I want to be a... well, I want to be... Oh, fine! I want to be a Ballet Dancer.
(Minotaur looks at Giorgio like he's crazy)
Giorgio- Other than that, I'm fairly normal, well, maybe not. But, hey, that's nos my fault. Is it ever anyone's fault to be born a peach? Don't answer that.
(Minotaur finishes eating and runs away)
Giorgio- I had better get going. I gotta get these grapes home before Peter finds them---
Peter- Giorgio! Where are my grapes-- I mean, uh, drapes! Where are the drapes?
Giorgio- Oh no, he's been spying on me! I always wondered how he did that, seeing that he's blind.
Peter- I can still hear!
Giorgio- Barely!
Peter- What?
Giorgio- Never mind, I'm coming (exits).
Scene 6
(Forest)
Narrator- four years later (back to side of stage)
(Forest Ranger walks through, accidentally dropping his sword)
(Minotaur enters, sits down to eat grapes)
(Giorgio enters with boar spear)
Giorgio-Hi! Remember me? I'm the peach, I mean Giorgio. Oh man. Peter's rubbing off on me. As you can probably guess, I'm hunting. Boar to be exact. (trips over the Minotaur's foot) Whoa!
(Minotaur scrambles to his feet)
Minotaur- Join us.
Giorgio- Who's us?
Minotaur- The Dark Side. (Cheerfully) We have crumpets and tea! (toughly again) So, you wanna join? Registration's free.
Giorgio- No thanks.
Minotaur- Big mistake. Get ready to meet your maker, (pulls out a big spoon) Oops. Wrong utensil. (Pulls out battle ax) I am your maker! The Crumpet Maker!
(Minotaur charges)
Giorgio- What?
Minotaur- (Stops, battle ax breaks) You know, the Crumpet Maker, I'm the one who makes the crumpets for the Dark Side Tea Parties. But I don't prepare the tea. Bob does that.
(Forest Ranger enters to get sword, hides behind tree when he sees minotaur)
Giorgio- What?
Minotaur- Oh never mind.(Charges)
(Giorgio throws boar spear, boar spear glances off Minotaur's coat, minotaur hits Giorgio as he runs by, sending Giorgio sprawling in the dust. Minotaur turns and charges again. Giorgio finds Forest Ranger's sword, and holds it up just in time. Minotaur falls on sword, and Giorgio scrambles out of the way.)
Giorgio- Holy Cow! Er, more of, Holy Minotaur! (Exits)
Forest Ranger- Oh my Gosh! Just wait till the Boys hear about this! (Exits)
Scene 7
(Town)
(Giorgio, Iola and Peter are walking through the town)
(People are whispering)
(Kids run up to him)
Kid 1- Whoa! You're the Peach, right?
Kid 2- Sorry, he's partially blind.
Peter- (Shaking Kid 1's hand) Pleased to meet you! (Whispers in boy's ear) You may not notice, but I'm blind too. That's why I wear these awesome specks.
Kid 1- Cool.
Kid 2- But, you're Giorgio, aren't you? Yes, you are! I know you are! You killed the Minotaur! C'mon, Teddy. We gotta go before the Peach Fair is over. Later, Minotaur Slayer!
Peter- Peaches! Giorgio, I'm going with them!
(Peter and two kids exit, Mack enters)
Giorgio- Hey, Mack. What's up?
Mack- Dude! As if you didn't know! You're a Celebrity! Uh oh. Don't look now, but it's the King! Sorry, man, but I gotta go.
(Mack exits)
(King, Princess, Lady in Waiting, and Soldiers enter)
King- Are you Giorgio the Minotaur Slayer?
Giorgio- Yes.
King- On behalf of my daughter, Princess Chanda (Princess giggles and waves at Giorgio), I would like to extend an invitation to you to come to dinner with us. And dinner starts now, so we better get going!
(Princess giggles, and all exit)
(Half Time [optional])
Scene 8
(In palace at dinner table)
(Seating- LIW(Lady in waiting), Giorgio, Princess, Knight, King)
(Eating)
Princess- (Starts humming, “Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hott Like Me”)
Giorgio- (To LIW) Hi, I'm Giorgio, The Minotaur Slayer
LIW- (Smiling) I'm Alysse.
Giorgio- (Smiling back) I---
Princess Chanda- And I'm Chanda. Now that we're all acquainted, you can start paying attention to more important things, like me!
Knight- What about me?
Princess- And that's Sir Antonio. Anyways, let's talk about me. Won't that be nice?
Giorgio- Umm, I guess.
Sir Antonio- (standing up) That's it! I hereby challenge you, Giorgio the Minotaur Slayer, to a duel!
Scene 9
(Courtyard)
(Duel begins)
Sir Antonio- The Princess is mine!
Giorgio- You can have her! I don't want her!
Sir Antonio- Don't be a coward! Fight like a man, Cow Slayer!
Giorgio- I'm not a coward! I don't even like her!
Sir Antonio- (Flinging sword aside) What?! Well in that case, what are we doing here?
(Shake hands )
Sir Antonio-(Turning to Chanda) Dear Chanda, will you marry me?
Chanda- (Sweetly) Hmm, let me think. No! (Slaps him)
Sir Antonio- But...but...but...
Chanda- No!
Person From Crowd- Hey, don't I know you?
Giorgio- Me?
Person- Yes you! You look like my son. Romeo, I thought you retired from acting after Shakespeare's play!
Giorgio- I'm not Romeo! I'm Giorgio.
Person- Oh. I see. Then you must be my Grandson! Quick! We must go tell your parents!
Giorgio- Parents? Who are my parents?
Grampa- Romeo and Juliet, of course!
Giorgio- I thought they died.
Grampa- No, no! That was the play!
Giorgio- Oh.
Grampa- Come on!
(Giorgio and Grampa exit)
Scene 10
(Romeo and Juliet's castle)
(Romeo and Juliet sitting already)
Juliet- I miss Baby Zane.
Romeo- You've said that eighty-five times in the last hour!
Juliet- It's all your fault! If you hadn't dropped him, he'd still be here.
Romeo- My fault? You're the one who threw him over the balcony!
Juliet- You said I was allergic to bees!
Romeo- No, I said you weren't allergic to bees!
Juliet- I am so!
(Grampa and Giorgio enter)
Grampa- Romeo! Juliet! You'll never believe who I found!
Juliet- The Plumber? Because we've been waiting for him for an hour.
Grampa- No, you silly! Baby Zane!
Romeo- Good gracious! It's him! Don't he look just like me, Juliet?
Juliet- What's a Zane? And where's the plumber? Is he the plumber? I don't think so. He doesn't have a plunger. And if he wants to work in the bathroom in my house, he has to have a plunger.
Giorgio- I'm not the plumber! I'm Giorgio.
Juliet- What's a Giorgio?
Romeo- (totally ignoring Juliet) No, son. Your name is Zane.
Juliet- What's a Zane?
Giorgio- I don't like that name, Zane I mean. Can't I just stay Giorgio?
Juliet- Excuse me! But Ieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... I forget. But, who the heck is this guy?
Romeo- Juliet! Our son has returned!
Juliet- I thought I was allergic to bees, then he died, or was it me? Romeo, which one of us died? Oh, I do hope they served lemonade at my funeral! Did they, Romeo?
Romeo- You didn't die, Juliet, that was the play!
Juliet- But I was pale and cold!
Romeo- There wasn't any heat in the building.
Juliet- But why was I pale?
Romeo- It was foundation.
Juliet- Foundation! It must've been a lot! That's gonna give me tons of pimples!
Romeo- But that was three years--- Oh, never mind! Come! We must proclaim the news from door to door!
Juliet- I can't go out in public with all these pimples!
Romeo- Juliet, you don't have any pimples!
Juliet- (pointing to in between her eyes) But there was a big red one right there this morning!
Romeo- No, that was a spider.
Juliet- I had a spider on me! Get it off! Get it off!
Romeo- It's gone now!
Juliet- But why didn't you tell me earlier?
Romeo- Because I didn't--- Oh, never mind! Let's just go.
Juliet- Where are we going?
Romeo- To the Palace!
(All exit)
Scene 11
(At the palace dining room)
(Room is empty)
(Peter peeks in)
Peter- Iola! I smell peach cobbler!
(Iola peeks in too)
Peter- Let's feast!
(Peter and Iola enter and start to eat)
Peter- Wait! I have the strange sensation we're being watched!
(Peter waves to audience, and walks to center stage)
Peter- Hi. I'm Peter. If you haven't noticed, I've been here the whole time. Well, not here in this particular spot, but in the play. You may not know this, but I'm blind, I'm a hermit, I love peaches, and I hate turtledoves. Oh, and did I tell you that I love peaches? Because I do. My foster son was once a peach. First, he was a turtledove, and then he was a peach, and then he was a rotted peach, and then he was a baby, then a minotaur killer, and finally, he was a plumber! They're off celebrating “Zane's” (Quote signs with fingers) return, him and his new family, I mean. And he doesn't care about me anymore. He just gave me this “I Love You” card with a peach on it! After all I've ever done for him, he can only find the decency to send me a modest card. Sure, it's got a peach on it, and it has a peach-smelling scratchy sticker on it, but still! (Starts crying) Oh, I miss him so much!
(Minotaur enters, Iola exits)
Minotaur- Join us.
Peter- Who's us? And who are you?
Minotaur- The Dark Side, and I'm a Minotaur. My name is James Copenhagen Gerald Morningbright Mark Lucas Dayspring...
Peter- Okay, Okay, I get the point.
Minotaur- We have crumpets and tea! So, you wanna join? Registration's free.
Peter- Hmm. May I have a moment to speak with my muses?
Minotaur- Okay, I guess. (Walks to side of the stage)
Peter- (To audience) Should I? They do have crumpets. But then, I don't like tea either. Oh, dear.
Minotaur- (Walking back to center stage) Time's up.
Peter- Time?!?! Who's that? Is he going to fall down soon? I hope he doesn't fall on me or Iola! Wait! Where's Iola?! Iola! Sorry Mr. Minotaur, but I have to find my dog! (Starts walking off stage) Iola! Where are you! (Exits)
Minotaur- Nothing can come between a man and his dog, or in his case, peaches! (Exits)
(Narrator walks to center stage)
Narrator- Peter went back to party with Giorgio and his family after he found Iola. Giorgio married Alysse, and they had seventeen children, Peter named them all after various deserts containing peaches. Surprise you? Luckily, Giorgio and Alysse gave them decent names instead of using the names Peter suggested. We hope you enjoyed our play, and didn't laugh too hard, it's supposed to be a tragedy, right?
(Exits)
(Curtain closes)
` (Minotaur skips in with a big sign that says)
(The End)
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