Young Writers Society

Act 1: Scene 1

(Scene fades in. Lily clangs up the front steps after a great date with Ricky. Molly is waiting to surprise her behind the front door.)

Lily- So, um, yeah... I had a great time tonight. (twists her hair and acts girlish.)
Ricky- Me too. (Ricky and Lily lean in and begin kissing eachother)
Molly- (Opens front door and they stop kissing abruptly. Molly is holding trash can with mischevious smile on her face.) Oops, sorry! I was just, taking out the trash. You're... Alex! Oh yes, Lily talks about you all the time! It is - it is so nice to meet you! Oh my gosh, you're totally handsomer in person!
Ricky- I'm Ricky.
Molly- Nope! Never heard of you! Now, don't worry, I'll leave you two to your peace! Wink wink, if you know what I mean. I see that lip gloss on your face "Ricky", don't think you're fooling anyone!
Lily- Oh-My-Gosh!!! Get out of here Molly! I am going to kill you! I never talk about Alex, I hate Alex!
Molly- Not what your diary says... (slinks back inside)
Sarah- (inside) Nice work Molly!
Molly- Thanks, and I'm sure Lily won't tell since she's not even supposed to be with a boy tonight. She's supposed to be studying with Christy at -
Anne- Molly.
Molly- ... Yeah Mom??
Anne- You are grounded. For one week. Understood?!
Molly- But Lily was wih Ricky!
(Lily storms in and slaps Molly)
Lily- Thanks a lot Molly! Now Rick will never, ever talk to me again! (falls into a chair.)
Anne- Upstairs Molly! Now! (Points to staircase.)
Molly- Lily dyes her hair!
Anne- Go!!

(Molly storms upstairs and turns on a Video Diary.)

Molly- Video Diary #1 - Saturday May 19, 2010. The purpose of this video diary is not only to get an A+++ on my science eperiment for class next year, but to prove the unfairness displayed in this very house. I have set up six of Dads old surveillance cameras around the house secretly to observe middle child passive agressive syndrome, which is not yet a legally certefied syndrome displayed by everyone except middle children. Symptoms include irritability, crankyness, stubborness, denial, migraines, and possible death. Please stay tuned. (Molly shuts off camera dramatically, and scene fades out)

Ok, this is an interesting story, not really my type, but interesting. But here's the deal. Your script format is OFF. Way off. Here's all the basics:

Lily- So, um, yeah... I had a great time tonight. (twists her hair and acts girlish.)

Let's start with the area in red. 'Acts girlish' is not an action. It is something that a person would say. The purpose of writing actions is not to say what you would say, it's just to describe vividly what is going on in this moment. Also, this whole section should even be here. Instead of what I've quoted above, it would be this:

(Lily twists her hair and looks up at Ricky, biting her lip)
LILY:
So, um, yeah... I had a great time tonight.

See? (The so-called 'girly' actions were just an example) Also, I did something with the dialog you might have noticed. What you're doing is a common mistake. Instead of this:

Ricky- I'm Ricky.

it would be this...

RICKY:
I'm Ricky.

Always make the name in capitals, with a colon after the name, then add an enter space and type the dialog below. Back to what I was saying about your actions, you can't have dialog and actions be in the same place. It just never works. You can't have this:

Molly- (Opens front door and they stop kissing abruptly. Molly is holding trash can with mischevious smile on her face.) Oops, sorry! I was just, taking out the trash. You're... Alex! Oh yes, Lily talks about you all the time! It is - it is so nice to meet you! Oh my gosh, you're totally handsomer in person!

That whole area in parentheses, and placed either above or below the dialog and character's name. Depending on how the actions take place. Look up proper script format on the internet, learn the basics, then you'll be writing a script properly.

Hola, so this is a good intro. First off, I definitely see this more as a script for a movie versus a play. It could almost be like a scripted documentary style movie.

Secondly, because there are so many characters introduced at first, I sort of advise doing a small bit about each of the characters. It was a little confusing. For example at first I didn't understand how Anne was the mom. I just would've thought it was the girl's roommate or something. Along with Sarah, was she always inside? How did she get there? If you set the scene up a bit more in the beginning I think that would answer that.

Thirdly, after Molly intrudes on Lilly's date it doesn't seem entirely realistic that Lilly would say "I never talk about Alex" etc. Would Lilly really want to talk about with Ricky standing right there? Or has Ricky left? He doesn't really say much. It's hard to tell. I think this situation needs to be developed a bit more.

Hope this helped!