Young Writers Society

The Obscured (Scene two)

(Eclipse walks towards the thicket of trees, stops, and looks around for a few moments)

ECLIPSE: Hello? Mist? Miasma? Oh, crap.

(Eclipse pulls a cell-phone from his pocket and punches in a number. He puts it up to his ear. The dial tone goes on without end, before Eclipse pushes a button on the front. He rubs his eyes, when there is a grunting noise. He looks up, and looks around. Then, there are several footsteps. Eclipse jogs towards the sound, and pulls a tree branch away, to reveal Miasma, clenching his shoulder)

ECLIPSE: Miasma!

(Eclipse holds out his hand, which Miasma takes. Eclipse pulls Miasma up onto his feet. He grunts in pain)

ECLIPSE: What happened?

MIASMA: They found us. The Agency.

ECLIPSE: No.

MIASMA: They must've been tracking us all this time. One of them infiltrated DFMR Central, and the other found us.

ECLIPSE: Where's Mist?

MIASMA: (Hesitating) I-I..

ECLIPSE: (Grabbing Miasma's arm) Where. Is. Mist?

MIASMA: He's...H-He's dead.

ECLIPSE: Oh no. But that means--

MIASMA: --The DFMR has fallen.

(The camera zooms in on Eclipse's face, and we cut to a house. After a few moments, Warren and H step in view of the camera, and they walk up to the door)

H: Do we really need to get rid of this one?

WARREN: Our orders were to terminate all of them, despite whether or not they even know about it.

H: Whatever. Just seems like a dumb move to me.

(Warren knocks on the door. A few minutes afterward, Ken Olson answers)

WARREN: Are you Kendrick Olson?

KEN: Yes, I am.

WARREN: I'm Leo Gould, this is Steven Harley, we're from the F.B.I. We'd like to ask you some questions.

KEN: Oh, um... okay, what's going on?

WARREN: Just a little mishap in your neighborhood, wanted to see if you knew anything about it. May we come in?

KEN: Okay.

(Ken holds the door back, and the two step inside. He shuts the door. Cut to Miasma and Eclipse, walking towards a gate)

ECLIPSE: We've got to hurry. There are probably agents there right now.

(They slip through a crevice in the gate, and walk past the camera. Cut to Warren, Ken, and H, talking)

WARREN: Tell me, young man, have you ever heard of the DFMR?

KEN: Uh... It rings a bell, but... no, not really.

WARREN: Interesting.

(Warren nods at H, then he pulls out a gun from his pocket, as does H. They stand up, and aim at Ken)

KEN: Whoa, whoa! What the hell?!

WARREN: It's too bad you were so nice, Ken.

(They cock their guns simultaneously, when H is shot in the hand. He drops his gun, and falls to the ground, clenching his hand in pain. Warren looks over his shoulder. Cut to Miasma and Eclipse, who is holding a gun)

ECLIPSE: Good morning.

Too little dialogue and awkward scene change.

Yes this is almost nothing BUT dialogue but every line of speech was short. It was choked before real meaning could be brought out of it. Not everything a person says has deep meaning, this isnt Shakespear, I get that, but still, everything read like an improv drama. Everything was losely close.

I dont know, this just.... diddnt grab too much of my attention.

The action scene at the end was interesting, I'd like to know exactly what this is for, I'll probably skim through Scene one to get a better grip on all this.

But from my perspective of an uninformed first time reader of your work, this was ... lacking.

Best wishes.