Young Writers Society

*The new version is here: topic60138.html*

Ah. That's quite a name you've got there, Eclipse. Did a package of mine get sent to your house or something?

That is just awkward. How about, "Ah, that's"

ECLIPSE:

This has nothing to do with that. Can I speak to you privately for a moment? You never know when they might be watching.

You still have entire enter spaces between the names and dialogue. Didn't Light_Devil! tell you about how wrong that was? I guess I'll just clarify it.

KEN:

It's a CD or DVD of some sort.

ECLIPSE:

Wrong. It is a highly technilogically advanced device that can hold one thing: memories.

That line was pretty cheesy, and you misspelled that big "t word" the proper spelling is, "technologically" Another issue is that the first period could very easily be a comma, thus you'd have to lowercase the "I" in it.

ECLIPSE:

Yes, do you understand me?

Edited, but I left your giant enter space. I'll let you fix that. *Throws head back and laughs like a mad man*

ECLIPSE:

You are, of course, aware of what the CIA is?

I believe that first comma should be omitted. Shoot it down!

KEN:

Yeah, okay, that makes perfect sense.

KEN:

I don't really understand the reasoning for anything that's going on right now.

The word, "really" made the guy sound really unprofessional.

ECLIPSE:

(Ignoring Ken's sarcasm)

You see, the CIA is a very tight-wound association. They like to keep things that they do under wraps. Notice how you rarely hear news about them. But say an worker of theirs quit. They could tell everything that they had seen, all the information they had obtained, to officials in the press. Their operation would suffer a complete downfall. So, they invented a machine that could literally remove memories from your brain, and be put onto a disc, such as this.

Big block of dialogue. Found a little mistake where you should change, "an" to "a" Look at the blue.

ECLIPSE:

Well, you have to be a highly regarded person to be in the CIA. What if the person that you were going to hire didn't have what you wanted? You could take out his memories, and put some other ones in. That new worker would be turned into, for example, Kendrick Olson. Anyhow, you worked at the CIA a few months ago. But, through some dispute, you threatened to quit. You knew a lot. They couldn't let you leave. So they initiated the procedure on you. And--

Seriously? The guy who is supposed to be like a genius would use that word in that manner?

KEN:

Wait, wait. If they took out my memories, where did the memories I have now come from?

The repeated "wait" doesn't work for me, sorry.

Closing comments:
I would have covered everything, but I am very tired and was about to pass out on my keyboard.

I did not feel much attachment for the characters. Most of the dialogue was cheesy to me. And the whole brainwashing by secret government agencies has been done to death. I haven't read your original as it was deleted, so I can't do any comparing and contrasting here.

-

Well, I fixed certain elements that were wrong with the script, but here's what I didn't.

You still have entire enter spaces between the names and dialogue.

Yeah, my script-writing device does that for some reason. I've tried to fix it on YWS, but it won't let me.

Seriously? The guy who is supposed to be like a genius would use that word in that manner?

Um... was he supposed to be a genius? I could have sword he was just a guy helping Ken.

Big block of dialogue.

Well, I need to explain the story, don't I? This isn't a book, and you'll see, when it is filmed, that it was a lot shorter than you realize.

I did not feel much attachment for the characters.

well, it's one scene, so there hasn't been much character development. I wasn't expecting anybody to.

And the whole brainwashing by secret government agencies has been done to death.

If you know anything about writing movies at all, you would know that the plot, no matter how cheesy or overused it has been, you can still make it good by your actors and writing skills.

If you know anything about writing movies at all, you would know that the plot, no matter how cheesy or overused it has been, you can still make it good by your actors and writing skills.

As far as I know it's only worked every so often. Avatar is an example of this. Chock full of cliches, but it still over threw many cinema giants. Heck, it took Titanic's crown of highest world wide movie grossing. But, of course not many people are looking for an involved plot now and days.

-Good day to you sir.

but most people making the movies are in it for the money and fame. I'm not really like that. It's kind of sad what's happening to the condition of movies. I grew up seeing Hollywood fall from its peak of movie-making.

Didn't we all?

Sorry if I sounded mean in my review of your work. Life hasn't been nice to me, plus I was feeling rather drowsy at the time that I was reading it. I'm usually functioning on around four hours of sleep.

sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

*Sigh*