Young Writers Society

hey this my first script and i actually want to see it as a movie that would mean the world to me!


SCENE ONE! (The classroom)

Teacher- (the teacher is very angry at Dinah because of the school project) Dinah you've had 3 weeks to do this project!

Dinah- I know but...um um well I don't really know I'll get it in I swear!

Stella- Oh shut-up DD seriously!

Dinah- (looks at Stella) Only my friends call me that

Stella- So nobody calls you DD...

Dinah- My mom does!

Stella- (Sarcasticlly) Yeah Taylor! Until your dad left!

Dinah- (sad) Yeah, until then. (gets a flashback)

FLASHBACK

Younger Dinah- Mommy, wheres daddy? I can't find him.

Taylor- (sat on the sofa)He left

Younger Dinah- (gets very sad at those words coming out of her mouth and hitting her n the face) Oh, does he not love us anymore?

Taylor- (she turned her hed very slowly to look at Dinah's red face) You can't stop loving some one you either never loved them or you'll always love them.

Younger Dinah- (Dinah ran upstairs banging on every step she ran into her room slamming the door as hard as she could) That's not fair!!

END OF FLASHBACK

Teacher-(the teacher was very annoyed at Dinah's lack of attention) Dinah, Dinah, DINAH!!!

Dinah- (as Dinah came back to reality she saw how red her teacher's was) Oh hi erm...How long was I out?

Teacher- about 5 minutes now pay attention!

Dinah-[Te teacher made Dinah very nervous) Oh I'm sorry

Teacher- Uh-huh of course you are.

Stella- (whispers to Dinah) Seriously you have to concentrate more otherwise you won't get your dream job then again you won't get it even if you did concentrate!

Dinah- (She had put her head in her hands and on the top of her desk as she cried silently)

???- [S/he has been watching Dinah's every move every second of every minute of every day]

SCENE 2 (Dinah has just got home from a rough day at school)

Dinah- (Dinah walked in with a face full of anger) Mom! Mommy!

(There was nothing to be heard)

Dinah- (Dinah shouted louder) MOM! (she saw a note on living room table so she went to go and see what it was) ooh a note!

Note Says:
Dinah,
I 've gone out to the supermarket for something
Taylor, I mean Mom

Dinah- (Dinah sighed and shook her head dissapointed)typical! no, i love you or just plain mom or mommy!

Taylor- (Taylor walked in the living room with a plain exspession on her face as soon as she saw Dinah shaking her head she felt angry but tried to calm herself) Hello Dinah

Dinah- Hello Mommy. Or should I say Taylor (Lool=ks at her and saw an angry exspession on her face so she ran upstairs into her room not making a sound)

Taylor- Bye Dinah (She walked off into the kitchen with all the shopping bags still with an angry exspession on her face as she mumbles) Stupid Girl!

I'm going to be very harsh here... and I'm sorry for this... it was pretty bad. You don't use punctuation, you don't capatalize, LOTS of spelling errors. There are plotholes, your characters are bland, over-used and unrealistic, and I'm also not sure whether this is a comedy or a fantasy. Let me start off. #1 mistake:

Dinah- A 17-year old girl who had lots of friends until her father left and her mom abandened her. She still lives with her mom but she is quite scared of her. Taylor- Dinah's mom is called Taylor and she doesn't get along with her very often so she leaves the house quite alot to go drinking with her friends. She's neer been there for Dinah

Never include your characters. You need to let the story develop and let the reader figure out the types of characters they are. The other problem is, 'Her father left, her mom left, her mom came back and now is evil and is a drinker...' YadaYada. Over-used, once again. Everyone is tired of this plot. #2: Your scenes are too short. Scenes need to be at least 4 or 5 pages long, depending on the action happening. #3:

perthetic!

Perthetic? it's pathetic, miss. #4:

Dinah- Mom I'm nothing like dad I never lef infact I've done everything for YOU AND HIME YOU WORTHLESS BOYFRIEND (realises she's shouting) ummm...

Whoa! Total mood swing. You need to ease into your moods in a script. You can't have someone be happy and lovey-dovey and suddenly shouting at the camera, saying obscene things. #5:

SCENE 3 (Dinah is talking to herself while driving in her car)
Dinah- stupid life stupid me i hate me it's all my fault my daddy left and i HATE ITSO MUCH!!! (sees a white light and then...CRASH BANG WALLOP)

Ok, first of all, this is the shortest scene in the world. And, CRASH BANG WALLOP? Don't include sound effects. You should have written, 'There is a screeching noise, and the camera cuts to the car flipping in mid-air and crashing into the ground. Fade out to black.' Just an example.
#6:

Dinah- (wakes up) what the hell is going on Nick- BOO!!! Dinah- (screams and ponches him in the nose) Nick- (Holds his nose) OWWW what was that for!?

Ok, don't include slapstick if you want to make a serious script. And some angel this guy is, screaming BOO in her face right as she wakes up. There are a lot of problems, basically. But you can improve, and I like where you're going with this. Keep writing, improve on things that I've told you about, and you'll succeed.

no offense but im 13, no im not perfect nobody is but i did my best and my sister checked and we are NOT that close and she actually liked it. And also i thought it went pretty well but obviously not :'( never mind!

bekah
xx

I don't mean to offend, I was just telling you what was wrong and what was right. I like it. You're taking an interesting turn on a traditional story, but there are just some things you need to work out.

okii dokii



Ive edited it a little like ive extended scene 1 and done part of scene 2

Leza here! ^^

Okay...this is good for a first time script. I liked the idea, and while Vast is right about the characters and all that, it wasn't bad either. My advice to you is to read some good play scripts - Eugene O'Neill, or George Bernard Shaw. You did well by putting away the descriptions. However, it is common to put up a list of names, and their relevance to the story, so you can try like this:

Dinah - Main character of the story
Taylor - Dinah's mother

On the other hand, try and make the characters a little more mobile. Give Dinah a fidget while she's talking to Stella, or make her face go red in anger. Or something. Let your characters DO things - don't let the reader figure it out for themselves, because they can't.

All in all, a well written script for a first-timer. Hope my review was helpful!

Robyn.

Needs work! But i can see this becoming something real if you get your story out of her dad left blah blah and her mom is now alchoholic. Yeah we do not feel bad anymore. Get something new in there and fresh!

@Icubed i never sed that her moms an alchoholic o don't presume that she is ok...

bekah
xx