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Young Writers Society


"Dream Self" episode 5, part 2



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Sat Nov 07, 2009 7:16 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



ACT 3

INT. DREAM KIM’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Kim screams and jumps away from the couch, whirling around to regard Tim with horror.


KIM:

What the hell-


TED:

(clicking his tongue)

Tsk, tsk, Kim… Language. Come on, sit down.


He pats the couch next to him.


KIM:

You’re… you’re supposed to be in my head! They put you in there!


TED:

Yeah…


He flops down upside-down on the couch, with his feet up on the wall and his head hanging down near the floor.


TED:

Remember how we got out in the first place? The cat set all that up. He opened the door. It lets me in and it lets me out. And now that I’m out, he’s closed it. So there’s no going back for me! I get to be with you forever!


He opens his arms as if to embrace her while still upside-down. Kim just backs away and looks for an exit.


TED:

Come on, Kim. I did it all for you!


He rolls down off the couch and stands up, still holding his arms out to her. A phone starts ringing somewhere. Ted comes closer and closer to Kim and she runs away from him, only to find herself cornered in a nook of the room.


TED:

Lost in your own house, Kim?


KIM:

Stay away from me!


She tries to dart past him, but he catches her and presses her up against the wall. He lays his palms against the wall on either side of her head and he leans his whole body in close.


TED:

Make me.


She struggles and tries to duck under his arm, but he catches her head and holds it against the wall with a hand against her forehead. He rests his chin just above his hand on her forehead and looks down at the top of her head.


TED:

It’s funny how big the inside of your head is and how important and dangerous it is and yet you on the outside are so little and fragile.


Kim, her face practically pressed to his neck, flinches as he draws in a deep breath. She bites her lip and punches him in the ribs. He sucks in a gasp and coughs, then grins and lowers his face to her level.


TED:

And weak… Really, what was that?


The phone continues to ring. Ted presses his face into Kim’s hair, whispering in her ear.


TED:

(huskily)

Come on. Show me what you’re made of.


The phone rings again and again. Kim closes her eyes and struggles as Ted moves still closer and breathes in her ear. She works her hands up between them, resting her palms on his chest. He closes his eyes and brings his face around to touch his forehead and nose to hers. Kim draws in a breath through her nose as he brings his lips towards hers. The phone continues to ring.


END OF ACT 3




ACT 4


INT. DREAM KIM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Kim is against the wall, with Ted draped over her. He is about to kiss her when she balls her hands into fists against his chest and shoves him away.


KIM:

Get away from me!


He stumbles back at the force of her shove, then straightens and faces her.


TED:

See, there are reasons I like you. Now come here.


He starts towards her again and she starts to run. The phone rings yet again and he looks around for it, exasperated. Kim tries to run past him, but then he turns and tackles her. They both fall to the ground.


INT. KIM’S HOUSE – KIM’S BEDROOM – DAY


Kim wakes in her own bed with a gasp, turning her head into her pillow and looking around wildly. Somewhere, the phone is ringing. Kim looks around, panicking.


KIM:

Hello?


There is no answer. The phone rings again. Kim relaxes a little and rubs her eyes, but is still looking around.


KIM:

That was weird.


A cat jumps up onto the bed. Kim flinches away, but the cat just purrs and rubs along her leg.


KIM:

Bubby?


The cat comes to sniff her nose, and then bunts its head against her cheek. Kim tentatively reaches for it and the cat purrs louder and curls up near her head. Kim strokes it a little more confidently, sighing in relief.


KIM:

How’re you doing, Bubby? No more eating before bed for me…



She sits up and shakes her head, grinning as if relieved and laughs at herself. The phone, which had stopped, begins to ring again and Kim groans.



KIM:

What?



She finds the phone under a basket of laundry and answers it.


KIM:

Hello?


NICK (over the phone):

Kim? It’s Nick. I didn’t wake you, did I?


Kim scratches her scalp and yawns, rubbing her neck.


KIM:

A little, yeah.


NICK (over the phone):

I’m so sorry.


KIM:

No, it’s fine. It’s fine.


She wanders through her house, looking for anything out of the ordinary.


INT. KIM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY



Kim pokes her head in and looks around, still holding the phone to her ear.


NICK (over the phone):

I was just calling to see if you were doing anything tomorrow night.


INT. KIM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY



Kim wanders through the room, looking under and around furniture.


KIM:

Tomorrow? I don’t think so…


INT. KIM’S HOUSE – GUEST BEDROOM – DAY


Everything is in perfect order. She stands in the doorway, breathing out in relief, but with her brow still furrowed in confusion.


NICK (over the phone):

Because I wanted to know if you wanted to maybe catch dinner and a movie with me.


Kim actually begins to pay full attention to the conversation.


KIM:

Um… Sure. That sounds nice, Nick.


INT. KIM’S HOUSE – KIM’S BEDROOM – DAY


NICK:

So does seven work for you?


KIM:

Seven sounds great.


NICK (over the phone):

Great. I’ll see you then. Bye.


KIM:

See you then. Bye, Nick.


She hands up the phone and grins happily.


KIM:

Didn’t he… Whatever.


She sets the phone down and rubs at her neck looking around.


KIM:

Weird.


She pulls her hand down the back of her neck and over her shoulder. She flinches as her hand touches her collar.


KIM:

Ow. What the…


INT. KIM’S HOUSE – MASTER BATHROOM – DAY


Kim looks in the mirror, pulling down the collar of her pajamas to look. On either side of her neck, there is a dark bruise. She regards them with horror.


KIM:

How –


TED (O.S.):

You know, I think the ducks could grow on me.


She whirls around. Ted is standing in the doorway, arms crossed, leaning on the doorjamb. He pulls a hand free and wiggles his fingers in a greeting wave.


TED:

Hi there.


END OF ACT 4
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Gender: Female
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Sat Dec 19, 2009 10:15 pm
Aina says...



Hi GryphonFledgling,
I just finished reading all five episodes in one go. I have no experience in critiquing scripts so I am going say something about the plot and characters in the entire series.

I was really sucked in by the plot. It has it's slower moments but I think they are necessary for the viewer to be able to take it all in. The problem is that this is only the case if the entire thing is shown in one go. So eg episode 3 would not be so good if shown on its own as episode 3, but it would work nicely if it were shown as chapters 9-12 in a movie.

I also got the impression of slight inconsistency concerning the genre (for lack of a better way of describing it). In the beginning the situation seems slightly hilarious with Ted commenting on Kim's duck-pyjama. Later towards the end it becomes obvious that Ted is actually a very scary and dangerous character.
In E1 Ted is scary because he is a mystery and he says he is her nightmare but in a humorous way. In E2 and E3 he is actually not so scary because you think he is doing good even if he is eating the other dreams. In E4 and especially E5 Ted looses all of his "niceness" and becomes very scary because one does not really understand what is going on. One only realize that Ted is actually up to no good and can be quite dangerous to Kim. You really do a great job of building tension there. It also becomes apparent that this is really horror in that part of the series and not comedy (that is what I meant by inconsistency concerning the genre). This is also what makes me believe that this would not really work as a series. You would simply loose the viewers attention if he/she had a break after eg E2. You leave him/her with the impression that this will be about hunting down one nightmare after the other. That is not a show I would want to continue to watch.

the change after E3 concerning "genre" also affects your character development. Not so much in E1, because your characters are new but in E2+E3 they seem very flat. You see no change in character and no hint at the fact that they are not really what they seem this only occurs in E4+E5 and perhaps the end of E3.

So to round it all off:
I think you have a really good script here. It needs a little more character development in E2+E3 then you don't need more action there, because the viewer also likes to have a break. But even then I sill would stick to my opinion that the entire series works mainly as a whole and not as single episodes.

I hope I could help!

Aina
"Do you choose the path you walk upon or does it choose you?" - Abhorsen by Garth Nix

(freely translated form the language I read it in)
  








There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley