Young Writers Society

A/N: This is for lucyy’s contest. I picked the meadow scene from Twilight (an icky book [sorry Twi-fans] but I intend to have my fun). So… Enjoy!

Characters:

~Bella = the psychotic girlfriend
~Edward = the sexy masochist
~Eliza (ME!) = the heroine
~Meyer = the terrible excuse for a novelist


Edward: Oh Bella! My pretty beautiful honey bunches of oats sweet-smelling Bella Bells Bonanza! Do you not see? I cannot be with you. You simply smell too amazing and I am a monstrous monster who wants to pull a Dracula and suck your blood. Also, I’m over-protective and masochistic.

Bella: (Completely ignores what Edward is saying because he is just too sparkly.) Oooooh, me likes the shiny thingies in your skin! I’m-a gonna get closer now ‘cause your sparkliness is distracting me from the fact that you want to eat me.

Edward: RAWR! (Runs away to hide behind a rock.) Do. Not. Come. Near. Me. I don’t want to hurt you.

Bella: Too bad! (Rushes over to Edward’s side and commences sickening cuddly-cuddliness.) I wuv you, Eddie-kins.

Edward: Oh noez! I am a beautifully sexy man-whore for being attracted to you in such a manner! I must run away and ask the Volturi to eat my soul! (Attempts to pull away but Bella’s attraction is simply too strong for him to resist so he leans in to kiss her instead.)

Eliza: (Poofs into the meadow in a cloud of purple smoke and looks around.) Um… Where exactly am I? I was snarfing down snickerdoodle cookies by the handful when all of a sudden I was pulled into this really cool sci-fi vortex thing. Totally Star Trek. Awesomeness. (Sees Edward and Bella making out.) Ew! Jesus Christ, get a room, will you? (Throws a rock at Bella’s head.)

Bella: (Turns around to give Eliza the evil-eye.) Owie! Ewaaaaaaard! That mean, unattractive other woman threw a rock at me!!! (Shrieks like some creepy thing from a movie.)

Eliza: Oh, suck it up, slut. I do not enjoy seeing people hump each other in meadows. I mean, I’m thirteen for God’s sake. I’m way too immature.

Edward: Let me handle this, Bella sweetie pie honey bunny. (Walks over to Eliza.) Hello there. Am I dazzling you? Dazzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle. (Does some weird Broadway jig and a cane and top-hat suddenly appear at his disposal [in, of course, a cloud of purple smoke].)

Eliza: (Backs away slowly and avoids eye contact.) You’re a loony, aren’t you? I recommend professional help. Keeps the crazies at bay. (Nods sagely.)

Edward: (Stops dancing and looks shocked and hurt.) B-b-but! You’re supposed to bow down to me and grovel at my feet and be totally dazzled!!! BELLA! She insulted me!!! Wah! (Cries like a pathetic baby, but since he can’t produce tears, his face just looks really scrunched up whilst animalistic wails emerge from his throat.)

Bella: Gasp! You made my Eddie-kins cry! Die bitch! (Throws herself at Eliza, who simply sidesteps and rolls her eyes. Bella proceeds to trip over air and break her arm.) Oooooowwww!!

Eliza: Oh boo-hoo. Just put a band-aid on it, you big baby. Or better yet, why don’t you get your ‘Eddie-kins’ to kiss it and make it better, huh?

Bella: (Blinks dumbly.) Did you just insult me? I can’t tell….

Eliza: Well, that’s not surprising.

Bella: Oh em gee! You did insult me! NOT NICE! Edward! I command you too eat her!

(Edward is too busy dropping to the floor in a twitching heap. He begins vomiting rainbows until he slowly withers away into an indecently ugly husk on the ground.)

Bella: (Stares in open-mouthed horror.) Oh noez! You killed him. I’m gonna be totally submissive and kill myself to show my undying obsession-slash-love-slash-weird-lust-thing for Edward. (Stabs herself with a comb.)

Meyer: (Appears in – obviously – a cloud of purple smoke.) Eliza! Gosh darn you! You killed my wonderfully lovely generically clichéd characters! Darn you to heck! (Waggles her finger Mom-style in Eliza’s face.)

Eliza: (Slaps Meyer’s hand away.) Oh, grow up. It won’t kill you to say God or damn or hell, you know.

Meyer: (Gasps and goes wide-eyed in shock.) But! Those are bad words! (Twitches spasmodically.)

Eliza: (Sighs.) Why are all the people here crazy? I mean really. Do they not have shrinks in fiction-land?

(Meyer commits suicide because she realizes how inferior her writing is. Since her job here is done, Eliza is sucked into another Star Trek vortex and returns home to her much-adored snickerdoodle cookies.)

That.....was......GREAT! It was so freakin hilarious, I cried from laughing so hard!

Exp, I'm going to attempt to do an actual critique here, but you should know that I was already LOLing at 'honey bunches of oats.'

A quick note: I don't know what the proper formatting is supposed to be for scripts but it might look a bit better if you bolded the names (or something?)...Time-consuming though. *shrug*

Bella: (Stares in open-mouthed horror.) Oh noez! You killed him. I’m gonna be totally submissive and kill myself to show my undying obsession-slash-love-slash-weird-lust-thing for Edward. (Stabs herself with a comb.)

Dude! This totally reminds me of Romeo and Juliet...except that obviously you can't compare Meyer to Shakespeare. Obviously. *cough*

Eliza: (Slaps Meyer’s hand away.) Oh, grow up. It won’t kill you to say God or damn or hell, you know.

Are swearwords appropriate for a girl who can't handle humping in a meadow? xD Kidding of course.

Okay, my serious attempt at that was a fail. So I will just tell you that it was awesome and wonderful and I loved it. Although I wish it was longer.

Keep on truckin'!
-Mars

Amusing. Okay, pretty funny. I have to admit - i think you've captured their personalities perfectly.

"I command you too eat her!"
Yes, i will be sad and point out you mixed "to" up with "too" on a spoof.

I promised to myself i would totally ignore the Twilight stuff, because everyone is annoyingly obsessed with it, but yours caught my eye and i kind of ... read it...

I agree with you on the point - well actually i agree with you on most points, but this one the most - that S.M plainly shows how she is not a true writer. Writers know when to end a story - she doesn't. Writers know not to be so cliched with their characters! And I'd better go before this turns into a rant ^^'

Great job!

~ EmmaJane ~

Pen, dear! This is awesome! As Mars, I will try to make an actual review, between my laughs.

Bella: Oh em gee! You did insult me! NOT NICE! Edward! I command you too eat her!

'too' should be 'to'. That's the only grammatical mistake I found.

Now, fun parts!

Eliza: (Backs away slowly and avoids eye contact.) You’re a loony, aren’t you? I recommend professional help. Keeps the crazies at bay. (Nods sagely.)

*laughs too hard*

Eliza: (Slaps Meyer’s hand away.) Oh, grow up. It won’t kill you to say God or damn or hell, you know.

*laughs even harder*
*faints from laughing too hard*

Amazingly done, my friend. I absolutely love this! (and I'm a Twilighter, not in an obsessive way)

*signs this smiling pretty hard*
*Kat*

Haha, bravo Skirt, even though I already read this. Technically I can't review because I already did. *Gasp!* And I think you took some of my advice, too!

Heya, Explosive_Pen, judging time is finally here!! I don't know if you're familiar with my reviewing techniques, but I'll tell you about them anyway . First off, I will go through the whole piece, making [comments/suggestion] and edits or extra addings-in, then I will go through the review with you at the end. I have never reviewed scripts before, so I probably won't edit much. Also, if I repeat anything that's already been said, I apologise, as I'm going to be looking at the previous reviews after I've reviewed this myself =D. Anyway, here we go (: ...

Explosive_Pen wrote:Characters:

~Bella = the psychotic girlfriend
~Edward = the sexy masochist
~Eliza (ME!) = the heroine
~Meyer = the terrible excuse for a novelist


Edward: Oh Bella! My pretty[comma] beautiful[comma honey bunches of oats sweet-smelling Bella Bells Bonanza! Do you not see? I cannot be with you. You simply smell too amazing and I am a monstrous monster who wants to pull a Dracula and suck your blood.[Brilliant!! ] Also, I’m over-protective and masochistic.

Bella: (Completely ignores what Edward is saying because he is just too sparkly.) [Do actions need to be in italics? I do not know, but I think it would look better, although it is time-consuming *shrugs* who knows =P ] Oooooh, me likes the shiny thingies in your skin! I’m-a gonna get closer now ‘cause your sparkliness is distracting me from the fact that you want to eat me.

Edward: RAWR! (Runs away to hide behind a rock.) Do. Not. Come. Near. Me. I don’t want to hurt you.

Bella: Too bad! (Rushes over to Edward’s side and commences sickening cuddly-cuddliness.) I wuv you, Eddie-kins.

Edward: Oh noez! I am a beautifully sexy man-whore for being attracted to you in such a manner! I must run away and ask the Volturi to eat my soul! (Attempts to pull away but Bella’s attraction is simply too strong for him to resist so he leans in to kiss her instead.)

Eliza: (Poofs into the meadow in a cloud of purple smoke and looks around.) Um… Where exactly am I? I was snarfing down snickerdoodle cookies by the handful when all of a sudden I was pulled into this really cool sci-fi vortex thing. Totally Star Trek. Awesomeness. (Sees Edward and Bella making out.) Ew! Jesus Christ, get a room, will you? (Throws a rock at Bella’s head.) [ ]

Bella: (Turns around to give Eliza the evil-eye.) Owie! Edwaaaaaaard! That mean, unattractive other woman threw a rock at me!!! (Shrieks like some creepy thing from a movie.)

Eliza: Oh, suck it up, slut. I do not enjoy seeing people hump each other in meadows. [Ha ha haaa (: ] I mean, I’m thirteen for God’s sake. I’m way too immature.

Edward: Let me handle this, Bella sweetie pie[comma] honey bunny. (Walks over to Eliza.) Hello there. Am I dazzling you? Dazzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle. (Does some weird Broadway jig and a cane and top-hat suddenly appear at his disposal [in, of course, a cloud of purple smoke].)

Eliza: (Backs away slowly and avoids eye contact.) You’re a loony, aren’t you? I recommend professional help. Keeps the crazies at bay. (Nods sagely.) [ ]

Edward: (Stops dancing and looks shocked and hurt.) B-b-but! You’re supposed to bow down to me and grovel at my feet and be totally dazzled!!! BELLA! She insulted me!!! Wah! (Cries like a pathetic baby, but since he can’t produce tears, his face just looks really scrunched up whilst animalistic wails emerge from his throat.)

Bella: Gasp! You made my Eddie-kins cry! Die bitch! (Throws herself at Eliza, who simply sidesteps and rolls her eyes. Bella proceeds to trip over air and break her arm.) Oooooowwww!!

Eliza: Oh boo-hoo. Just put a band-aid on it, you big baby. Or better yet, why don’t you get your ‘Eddie-kins’ to kiss it and make it better, huh?

Bella: (Blinks dumbly.) Did you just insult me? I can’t tell….

Eliza: Well, that’s not surprising.

Bella: Oh. Em. Gee! You did insult me! NOT NICE! Edward! I command you too eat her!

(Edward is too busy dropping to the floor in a twitching heap. He begins vomiting rainbows until he slowly withers away into an indecently ugly husk on the ground.)

Bella: (Stares in open-mouthed horror.) Oh noez! You killed him. I’m gonna be totally submissive and kill myself to show my undying obsession-slash-love-slash-weird-lust-thing for Edward. (Stabs herself with a comb.)

Meyer: (Appears in – obviously – a cloud of purple smoke.) Eliza! Gosh darn you! You killed my wonderfully[comma] lovely generically clichéd characters! Darn you to heck! (Waggles her finger Mom-style in Eliza’s face.)

Eliza: (Slaps Meyer’s hand away.) Oh, grow up. It won’t kill you to say God or damn or hell, you know.

Meyer: (Gasps and goes wide-eyed in shock.) But! Those are bad words! (Twitches spasmodically.)

Eliza: (Sighs.) Why are all the people here crazy? I mean really. Do they not have shrinks in fiction-land? [ ]

(Meyer commits suicide because she realizes how inferior her writing is. Since her job here is done, Eliza is sucked into another Star Trek vortex and returns home to her much-adored snickerdoodle cookies.)

The Review
Plot
Undeniably hilarious. Even though I am a Twi fan, I love reading the parodies for it as they are so funny, and yours definitely wasn't a disappointment - very funny. However, there wasn't many references (apart from your note at the start) to show that this is from the meadow scene - if you just mention some grass and trees, or something that refers to the meadow, to make that part clearer, then that would be great!! =D

Your MC
I loved her!! Totally funny and I loved the way in which she altered the story - great job!! (:

Descriptions
Even though there isn't much that can be covered in this department as it is a script, the actions used were descriptive and I could imagine the scene happening. All you needed was more references to the meadow, and that would be great!! (:

Overall
Very funny and totally fun to read!! =D Great job, Explosive_Pen, and finally, good luck with our final judging decisions!! =D

I hope you're having a great day, and Keep Writing!! (;
--Lucyy xx

Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!!

Oh my lord that was AMAZING! I am still laughing, this is pure genius.

~Hello there. Am I dazzling you? Dazzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle.~
This line practically made my guts explode from laughing.
This is pure genius! Thumbs up and a gold star for you darling!!

Well, that is it! Bye!

really funny. im still laughing. it was such an incredible spoof. you turned everything that the book did & said it almost the same way, and made it into something totally different, a laughing mockery!! ) amazinggggg

HHAHAHAHAHAQHAHAAHAHAHHAAH YES!! I love this site!! All of my friends are Twilight obsessed! I hate hate hate it!! This was sooo funny!!

Pen!! *snugs*

This was BRILLIANT! I love this and i showed my friend she broke down crying from laughter
my skool is not twilight obessed and I read it before it became a popularity thing
this was the perfect amplifcation of the ridiculousness of this book

Luv ya for this *still laughing*
K A M A S

Pen!! *snugs*

This was BRILLIANT! I love this and i showed my friend she broke down crying from laughter
my skool is not twilight obessed and I read it before it became a popularity thing
this was the perfect amplifcation of the ridiculousness of this book

Luv ya for this *still laughing*
K A M A S

I am a hge Twilight fan, BUUUT, Meyer also drives me insane. It took me two or three tries to get into the book and after trying before it was famous and getting about as far as Page 3, I only did to see what all the fuss was about. I do love it but this was a scene that annoyed me so much! I hate it how Bella's love for Edward is supposedly superior to the love that everyone else shares.

So, to sum up: I loved this, it was hysterical, well done.

Completely Magnificent ::Bows::

...I-I think I peed myself. *looks down* No, I'm serious. I really think I did. And alike others, I'm a Twilight fan. Of course, it's not the best book I've read... but I like your version so much better!

"Razzle dazzle."

I promptly laughed harder at this...

And I think I totally, and completely peed myself! Aha! This was so great. Make more - please!


A Very Amused
-R