Young Writers Society

So, me and my friend have had to write this for our english assesment, (we have to act it out as well) It's suppose to show the change in one of the characters. It was also influenced by things what has been going on with friends and things.

The butterfly project
character names:
Chloe: Lissa (main girl)
Layla: Miss Cooper (Teacher)
Louise: Adrienne (Best friend)
Mollie: Charmaine (Bully)


Act 1 Scene 1

Detention

Charmaine sits doodling on her hands while Miss Cooper marks books. Adrienne & Lissa walk past the door.

Char: Hey EMO, gunna go slit your wrists?

Adrienne: Did you say sumat retard?

Char: Yeah I was talking to your suicidal freak friend, and you know I don't talk to trannys.

Addie: And I don't talk to Chinese takeawy's either Chow Mein. Come on Lissa. (Adie grabs Lissa's arm.)

Miss: (10 seconds late.) Charmaine! Head down now! It's detention not a free for all.

Act 1 Scene 2

Adrienne and Lissa are walking to the next lesson together.

Addie: Hey Lissa, you all right? You know Chow Mein don't know what she's on about.


Lissa: Yeah I know, it just gets to me.


Addie: Don't let it, you know it's in your past.


Lissa: But she's right, that stuffs true. I AM an EMO-

Addie: Shut up! I don't want to hear it. Tell Miss Cooper and all this can stop.

Lissa Come on, we've gotta get to art.

Act 1 Scene 3

Lissa knocks on Miss Cooper's door.

Lissa: Hey Miss, can I talk to you?

Miss: Sure come in, 1 sec while I answer this.

(Miss spends 10 minutes on the phone. Lissa looks around and fiddles nervously. Miss finaly puts the phone down.)

Miss: So what was it you wanted?

Lissa: Well it's about Charmaine.

Miss ah, Charmaine that awful girl I wish she would actualy do her work, I bet she has a good brain inside that head but
she doesn't show it, texting on that phone all lesson.

(Anouther student knocks on the door.)

Miss: Oh, wait a minute I just have to sort Daryl out. Here's your work for the day then you come in, on Tuesday and Wdenesday you go to Miss Way.

(Sends Daryl out.)

Miss: Aw poor Daryl broke his leg, falling out a tree I think, silly at his age I suppose but wait, were was I?

Lissa: (sighs) Charmaine.

Miss: Oh, I remember the first day she walked through my door, acting as bold as brass. Oh, wait what was it you wanted to say to me?

(The bell rings.)

Lissa: (disappointed) Doesn't matter Miss it wasn't important anyway.

Act 2 Scene 1

Young girl is walking when Charmaine passes by.

(Charmaine grabs the girls books.)

Char: Let go.

(Girl goes to pick them up.)

Char: Don't touch them either.

Act 2 Scene 2

Lissa is walking out of the office and Charmaine sees her.

Char: Oi, Emo! You ain't got your girlfriend here to protect you now have you?!

(Lissa ignores her and walks past.)

Char: Hey, I'm talking to you!

(She grabs Lissa's wristand she winces.)

Char: Wonder what you were doing last night, lets take a picture and show the world-

Lissa: Get away from me, you know nothing about me!

(Charmaine starts laughing)

Char: Of course you're so special and missunderstood aren't you? You all are-

Lissa: Don't talk to me like that! You're the one who makes out like they're the best in the world! I've done nowt to you yet
you still make life hard.

(Charmaine rolls her eyes.)

Lisaa: Seriously Charmaine my past is my past so don't bring it up, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Char: So you wanna fight then?

Lisaa: (rolls her eyes) No!

Char:Yeah... see ya freak. (she says uncertainly.)

Act 2 Scene 3

Lissa is standing getting books out her locker.

Char: Errrrrrm.... Lissa?

Lissa: What do you want?

Char: I just wantedto say...

Lissa: Yeah?

Char: I'm... sorry... I was wrong.

(walks of disgusted as Adie walks on and they swot knot each other. Lissa's laughing.)

Addie: What're you giggling at?

Lissa: Nothing, just Charmaine.

Addie: chow mein made you laugh?

Lissa: Yeah, she's alright actualy!

Addie: (Holds hands up in defeat and looks shocked.) Where's Lissa and what have you done with her?

Miss: Girls, get to class! (Girls walk of laughing.)


This is my friends script she emailed so I could print it off for her (Don't worry their all the same, it's just mines on my other laptop at my dads) so any mistakes, blame her xD

Hey there! I'm Ithy, and I'll be reviewing today (if you want it)

Anywho, I'll start off with what I liked. It was a very realistic script in that it accurately portrays high school attitudes and such. The characters seemed realistic and well thought out as well!

There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, but I won't dwell on them. Just proofread before handing in.

The scenes seemed to go by incredibly fast for me. Just as I was getting used to one setting, BAM it jumps to another and two lines later, another. Scene changes are fine, but when it's going to be presented, you'll find yourselves changing the scene more than you are acting and the audience might get a bit bored and you all will be out of breath by the end of it all. To improve on that, you can probably combine a few of the scenes and still get the same message across.

Sticking with the speed 'problem' for a lack of a better word, the change with the main character came across so quickly that I didn't even realize it happened when the scene was finished. And when I did find it, I was a bit confused as to what exactly you wanted the change to be. Perhaps you could make that a bit more clear (even if it's for the presentation itself).

Other than that, it was a well done script and I did thouroughly enjoy it! I hope you all do good on the presentation!!

Geronimo wrote:The butterfly project
character names:
Chloe: Lissa (main girl)
Layla: Miss Cooper (Teacher)
Louise: Adrienne (Best friend)
Mollie: Charmaine (Bully)


Act 1 Scene 1

Detention

Charmaine sits doodling on her hands while Miss Cooper marks books. Adrienne & Lissa walk past the door.

Char: Hey EMO, gunna go slit your wrists?

Adrienne: Did you say sumat retard?

Char: Yeah I was talking to your suicidal freak friend, and you know I don't talk to trannys.

Addie: And I don't talk to Chinese takeawy's either Chow Mein. Come on Lissa. (Adie grabs Lissa's arm.)

Miss: (10 seconds late.) Charmaine! Head down now! It's detention not a free for all.

Act 1 Scene 2

Adrienne and Lissa are walking to the next lesson together.

Addie: Hey Lissa, you all right? You know Chow Mein don't know what she's on about.


Lissa: Yeah I know, it just gets to me.


Addie: Don't let it, you know it's in your past.


Lissa: But she's right, that stuffs true. I AM an EMO-

Addie: Shut up! I don't want to hear it. Tell Miss Cooper and all this can stop.

Lissa Come on, we've gotta get to art.

Act 1 Scene 3

Lissa knocks on Miss Cooper's door.

Lissa: Hey Miss, can I talk to you?

Miss: Sure come in, 1 sec while I answer this.

(Miss spends 10 minutes on the phone. Lissa looks around and fiddles nervously. Miss finaly puts the phone down.)

Miss: So what was it you wanted?

Lissa: Well it's about Charmaine.

Miss ah, Charmaine that awful girl I wish she would actualy do her work, I bet she has a good brain inside that head but
she doesn't show it, texting on that phone all lesson.

(Anouther student knocks on the door.)

Miss: Oh, wait a minute I just have to sort Daryl out. Here's your work for the day then you come in, on Tuesday and Wdenesday you go to Miss Way.

(Sends Daryl out.)

Miss: Aw poor Daryl broke his leg, falling out a tree I think, silly at his age I suppose but wait, were was I?

Lissa: (sighs) Charmaine.

Miss: Oh, I remember the first day she walked through my door, acting as bold as brass. Oh, wait what was it you wanted to say to me?

(The bell rings.)

Lissa: (disappointed) Doesn't matter Miss it wasn't important anyway.

Act 2 Scene 1

Young girl is walking when Charmaine passes by.

(Charmaine grabs the girls books.)

Char: Let go.

(Girl goes to pick them up.)

Char: Don't touch them either.

Act 2 Scene 2

Lissa is walking out of the office and Charmaine sees her.

Char: Oi, Emo! You ain't got your girlfriend here to protect you now have you?!

(Lissa ignores her and walks past.)

Char: Hey, I'm talking to you!

(She grabs Lissa's wristand she winces.)

Char: Wonder what you were doing last night, lets take a picture and show the world-

Lissa: Get away from me, you know nothing about me!

(Charmaine starts laughing)

Char: Of course you're so special and missunderstood aren't you? You all are-

Lissa: Don't talk to me like that! You're the one who makes out like they're the best in the world! I've done nowt to you yet
you still make life hard.

(Charmaine rolls her eyes.)

Lisaa: Seriously Charmaine my past is my past so don't bring it up, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Char: So you wanna fight then?

Lisaa: (rolls her eyes) No!

Char:Yeah... see ya freak. (she says uncertainly.)

Act 2 Scene 3

Lissa is standing getting books out her locker.

Char: Errrrrrm.... Lissa?

Lissa: What do you want?

Char: I just wantedto say...

Lissa: Yeah?

Char: I'm... sorry... I was wrong.

(walks of disgusted as Adie walks on and they swot knot each other. Lissa's laughing.)

Addie: What're you giggling at?

Lissa: Nothing, just Charmaine.

Addie: chow mein made you laugh?

Lissa: Yeah, she's alright actualy!

Addie: (Holds hands up in defeat and looks shocked.) Where's Lissa and what have you done with her?

Miss: Girls, get to class! (Girls walk of laughing.)

Geronimo, cute play. The idea relays a social scene I can relate to, though never experienced myself directly and the flow of events is certainly modern. Now my question for you, neverminding this is a school project, what particular hopes do you have with this piece? Would you like...to simply do the school assignment? To improve in scriptwriting/playwriting? This is an important question in considering my following review.

All of the characters achieve a purpose, but they're momentary. Vocal emissions of a single state of being: a can of drying paint, but the paint is neither burning or exploding or corroding or warping beyond the bends of time itself. There is little to no interesting dramatic development in the paint that makes me compelled to watch events unfold. While you may have a purpose in being real to your experiences, truly dig deeper. What makes the conflict between your characters? What drives the teacher's actions? I don't want to be met with what I expect, hit me with character growth and development I don't expect that is believable as it is jarring.

Another thing, look at the length of your acts and scenes. Far too much is happening in too little a period of time. This is a bit too hurried and rushed for an audience to truly take in what they are seeing or even for actors to comfortably fill their roles.