Young Writers Society

Okay, this is a play that I have been working on for 2 years and was finally completed in time for a Writer's Craft assignment. My teacher and theatre company seem to like it, so I would like to share it and get some more opinions because you can never have enough! On a side note, this play is being presented in my theatre company (Stage 1) on the 19-21 of August 2010 with me portraying the role of Yakov. It is very exciting!!

CHARACTERS:
YAKOV: Male. A Russian immigrant and Boris’s brother. Has a bad fake Russian accent
BORIS: Male. A Russian immigrant and Yakov’s brother. Has a bad fake Russian accent
GLORIA: Female. A cafeteria worker
DMITRI: Male. Disgraced English speaking member of the Vory
TATIANA: Female. An assassin and McDonald’s manager
INT.2: Male/Female. Interviews Yakov

Settings: Park / GLORIA’s house

(Opens with BORIS and YAKOV on opposite ends of the stage. They are being interviewed by a person sitting opposite them. Both BORIS and YAKOV have very bad fake Russian accents. They should be the ONLY ones with accents. This particular scene is fast.)

TATIANA: Boris, what makes you think you are right for this company?

BORIS: I am a hard worker. I love to work!

TATIANA: Really. (Jots something down on a clipboard)

BORIS: Yes, really!... Well, no actually…But I really need the money!

INT.2: Yakov, have you ever worked in the service industry?

YAKOV: That depends on what you mean by ‘service’.

INT.2: Customers.

YAKOV: No.

INT.2: What did you think I meant?

BORIS: – And why do you keep calling this a ‘company’ anyway? –

YAKOV: Have you ever heard of the Vory?

BORIS: – Is a McDonalds! Is a fast food place! –

INT.2: Are you threatening me?

BORIS: – Hardly ‘company’ material –

YAKOV: Threatening… Depends. Will it help me?

INT.2: No.

YAKOV: Then no. Is not a threat. Is a fact. I can kill you with my bare hands.

BORIS: – I think this is going great, don’t you?

TATIANA: Uhhh… What?

BORIS: Oh, hold that thought –

YAKOV: (Answering his phone) Hello?

BORIS: (On his phone) Yakov!

YAKOV: Boris!

BORIS: How is your interview going?

YAKOV: I’m in the middle of it. Can I call you back?

TATIANA: Boris?

BORIS: Me too! I just wanted to check-up. I love these New American cell phones!

TATIANA: Boris?

BORIS: (To TATIANA) Hold on! (To YAKOV) Okay, I will call back later!

YAKOV: Sounds good. I will be seeing you! (Hangs up) Sorry about that. Was my brother.

BORIS: (Hangs up) And what did you want to say that was so important?

TATIANA: Get out. (Drops clipboard)

INT.2: (Same time) Get out.

BORIS: I will get it!

TATIANA: No, don’t worry about –

BORIS: I insist. (They both go for it and knock heads. BORIS recovers first and grabs the pencil. He swings around knocking out TATIANA)

INT.2: Just go.

(YAKOV and BORIS are stunned for two completely different reasons. BORIS sneaks off and YAKOV walks to a park bench on center stage. TATIANA and 2 exit with chairs.)

YAKOV: Nothing. Five interviews and nothing. Does not get any more pathetic than that.

(GLORIA enters and sits beside him)

GLORIA: (Noticing YAKOV’s disposition which isn’t hidden very well by YAKOV) Bad day?

YAKOV: Who? Me?

GLORIA: Yeah, you! Who else could I be talking to?

YAKOV: Well nobody I guess.

GLORIA: So?

YAKOV: So…

GLORIA: Rough day?

YAKOV: Oh, that. I guess you could say that it has been a rough week.

GLORIA: Wanna talk about it?

YAKOV: Not really.

GLORIA: It might help.

YAKOV: I do not even know you.

GLORIA: I’m Gloria. (Holds out her hand)

YAKOV: (Tentatively taking it) Uhh… Yakov.

GLORIA: There, now I know you. Are you ever going to tell me what’s wrong?

YAKOV: I will pass thanks.

GLORIA: Oh, come on! How am I ever going to help if I don’t know what’s up.

YAKOV: Fine. I guess you can say that I am… (Finding the right word and failing) Not able to find a job.

GLORIA: I see. Well, I was the same way until I found my calling.

YAKOV: Calling? I do not understand.

GLORIA: You’re not from here, are you?

YAKOV: I moved here from Russia.

GLORIA: Why?

YAKOV: One thing at a time. Now, about the ‘calling’ thing you were saying.

GLORIA: Oh, right. Calling or what I’m meant to do.

YAKOV: Oh. And what is that. For you I mean.

GLORIA: Cooking in a high school cafeteria!

YAKOV: Are you any good?

GLORIA: Well of course I am! Don’t believe me? Come with me back to my place, I’ll cook you something.

YAKOV: What about the calling?

GLORIA: Huh?

YAKOV: High school caf..uhh you know.

GLORIA: My shift ended. I was just enjoying the view before heading home. Come on, it’s no trouble!

YAKOV: I do not know…

GLORIA: It’ll be fun! It’ll get your mind off of this rotten week of yours!

YAKOV: I am waiting for someone…

GLORIA: Call him on the way and get him to meet us there. The more the merrier!

YAKOV: Merrier?

GLORIA: Come on! (She drags him off)

(BORIS enters)

BORIS: Yakov? Huh, and I thought I was late. (Phone rings. He jumps and realizes what it is. He answers) Hello? – Yakov! Where are you, I am at the park waiting – Who? – Gloria? – A cook. I see what is going on, Yakov you sly dog you! – Oh – Okay, I’ll meet you there and she had better be pretty – No, no, I will find a way – See you soon!

(DMITRI enters as he hangs up)

BORIS: New American friend!

DMITRI: What? New American?

BORIS: Yes! You!

DMITRI: Well, actually I’m –

BORIS: It does not matter, what matters is that I need a ride somewhere. Do you know a way?

DMITRI: I actually own a taxi business. I’m heading there right now, it’s not far.

BORIS: Taxi?

DMITRI: Not from here I see.

BORIS: That much I thought was obvious; now tell me what a New American taxi is.

DMITRI: For a price, it’ll take you where you need to go.

BORIS: Oh, of course! We call it something different where I am from. New American money is an issue, however...

DMITRI: Looking for a job then? I think we can talk. I’ve been needing some extra help.

BORIS: Perfect! I am your man!

DMITRI: (Phone rings) Go on ahead, I’ll catch up. (BORIS exits. DMITRI’s Demeanor changes as he answers) Hello? – Who? – Yakov? Look, you know that he might recognize - Yes, of course, but do you remember what - No, it was not my fault! - Sorry. - I won't do it again, but you know that Yakov - Yes of course. I will get him. - Yes, alive. - Ok. (Hangs up) Yakov is here? This may be my chance. Finally, revenge will be mine! (Laughs maniacally)

BORIS: (Offstage) Is your car?

DMITRI: No wait! (Crash sounds) I didn’t take a car.

BORIS: (Offstage) I can fix! (DMITRI exits)

(Scene changes to GLORIA’s house. She and YAKOV are sitting at a table. A giant vat of… Something… is on the ground nearby)

YAKOV: Boris will be here. We can just eat now and he can eat when he gets here. Is his own fault!

GLORIA: Not until everyone is here. So, why did you guys immigrate here anyways?

YAKOV: Not important. Land of opportunity you know.

GLORIA: Oh. (Pause) Kicked out?

YAKOV: No! Why do you insist on knowing everything! Curiosity killed the cat I hear.

GLORIA: I just want to know more about you. (awkward pause) So were you or what?

YAKOV: I will tell if you would stop insisting on knowing everything.

GLORIA: I promise.

YAKOV: Okay. How to begin... uh... Do you know of the Vory?

GLORIA: You mean the Russian Mafia? I’ve only heard rumours. Are you being chased?

YAKOV: In a way, but is beyond that.

GLORIA: I’m listening.

YAKOV: I was part of the Vory.

GLORIA: Really? Did you have to kill?

YAKOV: Yes, but I did not enjoy it.

GLORIA: So you got out.

YAKOV: Yes, but there is more to it than that and with the way Vory operates, it was not so easy.

GLORIA: What’s the reason then?

YAKOV: Is not important. I went to Boris. Partly because he had told me of a new world away from everything else, but because he was the only person left that would take me. The only person who had not given up on me. He called the place ‘New America’.

GLORIA: New America?

YAKOV: Canada. He calls it New America for reasons I could only guess. Is hard to know how his mind works. Trust me, you will go crazy if you try. I initially turned him down, but when I left the Vory, it all changed and I reconsidered knowing that they would have trouble tracking me. Is great in that way, but we are more likely to be killed by starvation now. I should have known. He made this place look great. We have been here for two weeks and I have not seen anything ‘great’. Boris holds out hope. I guess I could admire that if I was not so busy starving... Can we eat now?

GLORIA: Not until everyone is here. Plus, give this place a chance. It grows on you.

YAKOV: I’m sure.

GLORIA: No, really it does! I’ll let you help me out at the school and stay here until you see that! Just give it a chance!

YAKOV: Really? Thanks Gloria.

GLORIA: No problem. You can start work tomorrow.

(BORIS bursts in)

BORIS: Guess what New American woman… And brother!

GLORIA: What?

BORIS: I have gotten New American job!

GLORIA: Good work!

YAKOV: Gloria, this is my brother, Boris.

BORIS: Nice to meet you! Tell me, Yakov, any luck?

YAKOV: Yes, actually.

BORIS: Good work! I knew you could! Where?

GLORIA: He’s working with me.

BORIS: Doing what?

YAKOV: Cooking.

BORIS: Ha! Never thought you would be doing that, eh? From killing to cooking in two weeks. Must be a new record or something. Gloria, my brother Yakov was a part of –

YAKOV: She knows.

BORIS: Oh.

YAKOV: And do not be telling everyone! Incognito, remember?

BORIS: Remember? I do not even know what it means!

YAKOV: Keep it a secret.

BORIS: Fine, whatever! Guess what I am doing?

GLORIA: You’ve got us.

BORIS: Come on, guess!

GLORIA: I don’t know, uhhh… Salesman?

BORIS: Close, taxi driver!

YAKOV: How is that close? Know what, it does not matter, you cannot drive!

BORIS: Of course I can!

GLORIA: (Looking out of the window) How did you get here?

BORIS: Dropped off by new boss.

GLORIA: No cab?

BORIS: I crashed it!

YAKOV: Of course.

GLORIA: You still have a job?

BORIS: Why not?

YAKOV: You crashed a car!

BORIS: So?

YAKOV: Whatever. Can we eat now?

GLORIA: Yes, of course! (She opens the vat. BORIS and YAKOV recoil at the smell)

BORIS: What is that?!

GLORIA: (Oblivious) Dinner!

YAKOV: Maybe you should try it before you insult her. She worked hard for this.

BORIS: Why don’t you?!

YAKOV: I know how we can solve this. Rock, paper, scissors.

BORIS: You are on!

GLORIA: There’ll be enough for all of us; you don’t need to fight over it!

YAKOV: We are fighting over the privilege of being the first one to try it. Now come on, Boris, let us get this over with!

BORIS: Bring it, Yakov!

(They have a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. BORIS wins)

BORIS: Ha!

GLORIA: Great! Now you can be the first one to try my mystery meat! Bet you can’t guess what’s in it!

BORIS: Wait, no. I do not think it was fair, uhh… Best two out of three!

YAKOV: No, I think it was plenty fair. You won Boris, now claim your prize.

BORIS: Okay…

(GLORIA puts the vat down near BORIS. He smells it and almost falls over. He puts a finger into it and tastes it. He promptly faints)

YAKOV: He okay?

GLORIA: Oh, he’ll be fine. Some people just aren’t used to the spices.

End Part 1.

Heh, I remember taking Writer's Craft. Good old Ontario high schools.

This is a pretty solid piece. Some funny stuff -- I had lots of fun reading Boris & Yakov in my head with fake Russian accents. Some of the humour isn't entirely apparent if you read it plainly; obviously a great deal of the comedy depends on the ability of your actors to deliver these lines with impeccable comic timing.

A few notes:

- Some brief formatting things, although I am not entirely familiar with play format. Instead of switching names for INT. 1, I would encourage you to call her Tatiana throughout. I understand wanting to keep the consistency of "Interviewer 1" and "Interviewer 2", but it's unnecessarily muddling for her to changes names mid-play.

I would also suggest that you clarify the fake Russian accents in the character notes as opposed to placing it in the first scene. Since the fake Russian accents were only specified once the play had started, I thought that the characters were purposely adopting fake accents for this particular scene and would be switching into other accents later on. Also wondering, what sort of accent does Dmitri have? It's not super relevant right now, but it will likely be important once your play is read by actors. The gag is that Boris & Yakov have silly accents, right? Or do you want all of the Russian characters to have awful accents? (It makes more sense for the latter to be true, since Dmitri seems to have been on Russian soil for long enough to have a Russian accent of some sort, bad fake one or not.)

Also, when Yakov sneaks away during the Tatiana/Dmitri argument. I would suggest specifying exactly which line he sneaks away at. Obviously the actors can take liberties once they're performing, but for the sake of the play's clarity, I can't see why you wouldn't be specific.

- I really loved the idea of having the Russian accents purposely awful -- it sort of neatly solves the real-life issues of people / actors not researching the nuances of an accent, and it's also a funny quirk to the story. A few notes on this, though. I find the dialogue to be fairly inconsistent in its mannerisms. Some of it can be excused, because I can give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you were planning for some of it to be wildly inconsistent. But not all of those inconsistencies are forgivable. Sometimes you have the characters talking in full, perfect English sentences and sometimes -- well, sometimes there's this:

BORIS: Guess what New American woman… And brother! 

I would encourage you to go back and clean up their language. And by that I mean, be more consistent. Occasionally they forget their articles, and occasionally they speak perfect, fluent English. If you want them to forget their articles, go back and chop out "the" in their sentences. Make their English more sloppy.

Another thing, about the "New America". It's supposed to be a running gag but sometimes it runs a little too far, to the point of being forced upon the audience rather than funny. Stuff like:

BORIS: Do not be like that! You know I need this New American job so I can make New American money which I could use to fish New American car out of New American water and start to live the New American dream…New America!!! 

or,

BORIS: I am pretty sure it starts with a New American ‘B’... 

It's just overkill, and stops being funny at these two points. I can see how the ridiculousness of the first example might actually be funny, but I suspect this would only work if you erased the instances of "New America" that happen immediately before and after this speech. If you don't hear the New America thing for a bit, bringing it back with that lengthy, overdrawn speech might work as a gag, maybe?

I'm not sure if or how you could fix the second example, though. I would just take out the "New American" there.

Finally, I'm wondering about the fakeness of the Russian accents, and how / where you can take it. You're playing with breaking the fourth wall a little, but the problem is that your audience can't read your stage directions, in which you clarify that the accents are purposely awful. You run the risk of them thinking the actors are just bad at what they do. I also suspect that you can develop this joke further, and make the audience more aware of the facade. An example of this would be if Boris stopped talking in his fake Russian accent, spoke two two lines of eloquent English in a perfect Canadian accent. The actor playing Yakov points out (dropping his Yakov persona) that he's lost his accent, and they do a bit with them playing "themselves". A shoddy example, but you get the idea.

As of right now, though, there's no real guarantee that your audience will be in on the joke, short of someone pointing out the ludicrousness of their accents. And again, I really think you have the ability to develop this into something more complex and funny.

- In terms of content, the only two things that really stick out at me are developing Gloria's first conversation with Yakov & Dmitri's first phone conversation, in which he learns his mission. First, the Gloria thing: I should note again that I'm as familiar with plays as I should be. My background is more screenplays, but I imagine there's a little more leeway in plays to stretch the imagination. Having said that, the first Gloria/Yakov interaction just strikes me as off. I can't believe that Gloria takes an interest in him so fast, with no apparent reason (there doesn't seem to be an attraction, or at least, not one explicitly shown), and then rapidly invites him over to hang out. Again, no romantic undertones, no ulterior motives except apparently her desire to help Yakov out. I think your play would be stronger if there was a more clear reason for Gloria to want to help Yakov -- as opposed to right now, where she just seems to be a prop to support the forward movement of the play.

The easiest way to give her another motive would be to suggest some kind of romantic interest in him, or at least have her be somewhat attracted to him. (I also imagine that's one of the easier situations to mine comedy from, if/when necessary.) Obviously there are other reasons, too, and I encourage you to go with whatever you think suits your characters, but right now it seems a bit too ludicrous that she plunks down on a bench, says a few lines to him, and is immediately willing to let him into her life so completely.

I also think that you could use the phone conversation to more clearly indicate Dmitri's motives. I know you go back and have him talk to Tatiana, explaining his goals and his reasons, but I think you can start to develop that much more clearly in the phone conversation. The only really useful thing we get (as an audience) from the phone conversation is that Dmitri knows Yakov -- but there are no sinister undertones, so for all we know, Yakov is being thrown a party. I think you can go back and make that conversation more menacing. If you want to save the he-wants-to-kill-Yakov reveal till later in the script, that's fine -- but I think we need to know that Dmitri has Plans for him, some sort of Scary Plans. If for no other reason, then because we need more of a hint that something more is going on far earlier in the script. The introduction of Tatiana & Dmitri feels like it's a tad bit too late. Again, the phone conversation only needs to hint. That would be enough for now.

- As a final note, I couldn't help notice the tragic lack of comments for this, and I have a suggestion as to what might (maybe possibly) help. I know that at the time I was reading this, I would've preferred if this were broken into more readable, smaller chunks. You'll notice that many of the scripts are broken into pieces -- "Between (1)" "Between (2)", "Atomization (1)", etc., and I imagine that's because some readers are daunted by length. It sort of feels like you have to sit down and finish it in one go -- which I didn't mind, but that's me. It may help readability if you split this into two or three or more parts. It's really a shame you haven't gotten more feedback yet.

Anyway -- good stuff, some really solid reading, and I can imagine it will translate very well to stage. I love all of the technique you've put into this; those two years have really paid off. Good luck with the show, and with this play in general!

It's comments like that that makes me wish I found this website earlier! Thank you so much for your time on the review! Obviously I can't change much for this presentation in terms of lines, but I can play around with some of the ideas for later audiences. I was actually hoping to see if I can't get it to a publisher. I have heard of one local one, but before I go through with it, I want to improve it as much as possible and this helps a lot.

Luckily with the type of company I work with, the actor's and the director were able to fill in the blanks I overlooked in the script themselves when it comes to motivation and why they are doing what they are doing.

You are probably right with the length. I scrolled through it again, and saw that it looked pretty daunting for a casual reader. I am still figuring things out at the moment, but I will probably end up splitting it when I go through some improvements.