Young Writers Society

*This post has been deleted*

Why hello thar. I am Light_Devil, aka Azrael or LD, and I shall be your reviewer for today.

And commence!

Vasticity wrote: (We open to the main titles. Then we cut to Derek Hanson, sitting on his couch, watching television. There is a knock. Derek turns off the TV, sits up, and walks to the door next to his couch. He opens the door, and a man hands him a package)

First off, if this is a proper script, we would need some information of the characters in this scene, where it is set (as in the room/place) and also the time that this is set in. The whole "main title" thing is not needed at all.

MAN:

Derek Hanson?

There doesn't need to be a whole enter after the person's part.

DEREK:
Yeah, that's me.

This looks considerably better.

(The man hands Derek a clipboard and a pen. Derek scribbles something on the end, and hands the board back. Derek shuts the door, and sits back down.

Uhh, wait, he signed for the package, but the package is nowhere to be seen.

We fade out to black, and open back to a computer screen.

This is a script, not story-telling time. Don't use "we", "I" or even "us". A script is completely third person writing.

WARREN:
Is he asleep yet? We can't make a move unless he is.

"Unless he is", isn't something that I would suspect a agent or something along those lines would say. Maybe "if he isn't" would be correct for this situation.

(We cut to Derek, sleeping in his bed. There is a bump. Derek rustles a little, but stays asleep.

"Rustles" is a sound. Not an action.

WARREN:
Whew.. Got it.

No way in hell would an agent (trained for these matters) speak. Honestly.

(There is suddenly a gunshot, and Warren drops the disc, his hand bloody. He screams in pain, then pulls out a pistol and scans the room. The camera looks over the room. We cut back to Warren. He lowers his gun, and puts it back in his holster

Name confusion. I think you mean Derek, not Warren. Also, even if that were the case, this still makes no sense. Who was shot in the hand?!

WARREN:
Thanks for your cooperation.

If it was, in fact, Warren who was shot, why would he say this?

(Warren opens the front door, and walks out, leaving a bewildered Derek behind. We cut to Warren, walking away from the house. A man suddenly tackles him. The two roll on the ground. The Attacker punches Warren multiple times. Warren tosses him off and wipes the blood from his nose. The two stand up from the ground. Warren draws his gun, as does the attacker. The attacker fires first at Warren's feet. Warren dodges, loses his balance, and falls over. The attacker pulls him to his feet, and punches him once more. Warren goes limp. The Attacker drops him on the ground, rummages around his pocket, and pulls out the disc. We cut to Derek, coming out from his house towards the attacker)

Big block of text. Immense. And painful. Perhaps in this was fitted into actions underneath each person's name it would look better. Such as:

WARREN:
(Opens the front door, and walks out. He walks away from the house.

(A man suddenly tackles him. The two roll on the ground.)

ATTACKER:
(Punches WARREN multiple times.)

WARREN:
(Tosses him off and wipes the blood from his nose.)

(The two stand up from the ground and draw their guns.)

ATTACKER:
(Fires first at WARREN's feet.)

WARREN:
(Dodges, loses his balance, and falls over.)

ATTACKER:
(Pulls WARREN to his feet, and punches him once more.)

WARREN:
(Goes limp.)

ATTACKER:
(Drops WARREN on the ground, rummages around his pocket, and pulls out the disc.)

DEREK:
(Comes out from his house towards ATTACKER.)

Do you see how much easier that is to read? Also, it would also be easier to recognise the names if you were to change them ALL to capitals.

The camera swerves around, and we see Warren, aiming his pistol at Derek. He quickly gets up, and puts the gun against Derek's head)

Inconsistency. First it's camera, then it's us. Please choose one. Seeing as the fact the camera is correct - choose the camera. Also, in red, this sounds very slow - like I could see him just picking himself up and not springing up as was what your intended purpose was.

WARREN:
How do you know my orders, Eclipse? How could you have any knowledge of such a thing.

CLICHE!

Overall

Okay, seeing as this is a script and not a story I would like to say a few things. You need to put all information in, however trivial, however plot-spoiling it may seem; it needs to be in there.

Also, this isn't one scene. Scenes are exactly was they sound. One scene. One place. This has people running onto the street. Not exactly the same scene, is it?

And, I do say, the Agent is horrible, cliche and just clumsy! This is terribly over-weakening the enemy. Even with the help of another agent it is still more than likely that the protagonist will win!

Onto the plot. Derek seems very bland, very normal. I don't like him. He asks to many questions that are the same, doesn't have much of a mind and doesn't have a personality that I can at all relate too. However, I like Eclipse. He's pretty cool.

So, this has uncomplicated characters and a poorly designed (not written) together script, but it has an excellent plot line underneath all of this and I hope, that after reading this, you edit it accordingly and your script design will match your wonderful imagination.

Hoped this helped. XD

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.