Young Writers Society

Ok, I'm still kinda working on this, so I would like some advice to improve on it.

Act one scene one
Setting: The Jacobson Manor in Savannah, Georgia. The Manor has just been sold to James Harrison.
Time: May 20th, 1905. Evening
Scene 1

The stage is lit to reveal the living room of an old Manor. The new owner, JAMES,, enters stage right.
JAMES: (talking offstage) That’s it, bring it in here!
Two movers bring in a couch stage right. They set it down center stage. They exit stage right.
JAMES: Thank you, gentlemen!
Just then, JOHN, enters stage left, carrying a suitcase.
JOHN: Goodbye Mr. Harrison. I hope you enjoy your stay.
JAMES: Thank you Mr-?
JOHN: Smith, John Smith, sir.
JAMES: Ah, pleasure to meet you, John. (the two shake hands) Have everything you need?
JOHN: This is all my things, sir.
JAMES: (looks at the suitcase) That’s all? Where are you going to?
JOHN: Virginia. I’m going to stay with my niece, Elizabeth.
JAMES: I wish you luck on your journey.
JOHN: Thank you, sir.
Two movers enter stage left carrying an old dresser. One of them drops one side of the dresser.
JOHN: Be careful with that! (runs over to the dresser) it’s very valuable.
The movers exit stage right. JOHN constantly cleans the dust off the old dresser.
JOHN: (nervously) So, what are you going to do with this old place?
JAMES: I’m demolishing the place and building a restaurant on top.
JOHN: (in a small voice) Demolish?
JAMES: Oh I remember when we destroyed an old beauty in Connecticut! Hard to get down, but with some good work, she fell down to the ground! (laughs)
JOHN, shocked, slowly sits on the couch.
JOHN: (nervous) Do you have to destroy it? I mean it’s a gorgeous manor.
JAMES: Face it, old man. It’s the start of a new millennium. New things have to replace the old.
JOHN: (sigh) I’m sorry. Its just….. hard to see the old place get destroyed. I’ve been a servant here for fifty years, and now that I’m retiring, its just….. you know….
JAMES: Fifty years? I’ve never met anyone with quite a connection to a building.
JOHN: Ah, but even buildings have their history, locked away in their walls.
JAMES: (scoffs) This building is nothing compared to the manors I’ve bought in Boston or Connecticut or-
JOHN: Sure it isn’t the grandest building, but the events that occurred here would make those manors look like cottages.
Intrigued, JAMES walks over and sits next to JOHN.
JAMES: (interested) Can you explain these events to me?
JOHN: I would love to. Now picture this; the year is 1855. The manor was in its prime; (gestures toward the walls) the walls painted a gorgeous tan, and the finest furniture money could buy! And cotton fields stretching for at least a mile! Now, my story takes place at the beginning of summer, June 1st. The manor was especially beautiful during the summer.
JAMES: Its sounds quite grand. I’m begging to like this legend.
JOHN stands up
JOHN: (outraged) Legend!? Oh no, what I’m about to tell you isn’t a legend! Every single detail of this story is pure fact. And now, you will hear about these events exactly as I witnessed them many years ago.
Blackout
END OF SCENE

Comment please! And please try to be nice. This is my very first script and I'm only 13.

Hi, this is my first critique on a script so bear with me.

I like the way you built up to the story, but is the living room in a corner of the stage, or center stage? And if it is center, then will everything happen in the living room or will the set change with every new scene?

I really like how it is a servant who is telling the story as well, but where did the previous owner of the house go to?

You may want to add a bit more for James for his directions of his movements. But the detail you gave John was great.

Okay, I believe that I will be waiting for more of this script from you.

Keep writing!

Teddy

Why hello thar, I'm Light_Devil and I shall be your reviewer today. :p

Well, let's get to it then . . .

pandacary wrote:Just then, JOHN, enters stage left, carrying a suitcase.

The bit in red isn't entirely needed, seeing as this is a script. You could, however, replace it with a description - such as "abruptly".

JAMES: Ah, pleasure to meet you, John. (the two shake hands) Have everything you need?

Hmmm, 1905. Do you think they would casually be missing words in their sentences? I think not! XD It should be something like, "Have you everything you need?" or "Do you have everything you need?".

JAMES: I wish you luck on your journey.

I find it odd how James is just suddenly so accepting of the fact the butler only has one suitcase. I, personally, would still be in shock.

Two movers enter stage left carrying an old dresser. One of them drops one side of the dresser.

Left? Unless you're going for a comical moment, I think you should stick to the entrance being from the right, otherwise the audience/viewers will be confused.

JAMES: Oh I remember when we destroyed an old beauty in Connecticut! Hard to get down, but with some good work, she fell down to the ground! (laughs)

Just a little grammar for you. There should be a comma between the "Oh" and the "I". Okay?

JAMES: Face it, old man. It’s the start of a new millennium. New things have to replace the old.

I think millennium is a tad too long. Try for century.

JOHN: (sigh) I’m sorry. Its just….. hard to see the old place get destroyed. I’ve been a servant here for fifty years, and now that I’m retiring, its just….. you know….

Okay, in red, are ellipsis. The way they should look is either "..." or ". . .". Only ever three. No more. Please.

JAMES: Its sounds quite grand. I’m begging to like this legend.
JOHN stands up
JOHN: (outraged) Legend!? Oh no, what I’m about to tell you isn’t a legend! Every single detail of this story is pure fact. And now, you will hear about these events exactly as I witnessed them many years ago.

In my head legends are on the same level as myths. Very old and passed along through generations. I think the word "story" would suit more here. As it seems like an old man rambling about his past.

Overall:

I enjoyed this and it is very nicely put together. I especially liked the ending. However, please ensure you have commas in the right place (wherever there is natural pause, if you said it out loud), that you write ellipsis correctly and please describe the characters straight up. It should be directly under the information that you have up there, in a small paragraph each character.


Hoped this helped.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.