Young Writers Society

[The curtain opens and a couple enters stage left. They are holding hands and the girl, Emily, laughs slightly at something her partner, Tyler, said. They stop just left of center stage in what appears to be a park.]

Tyler: You know, I really like this.
Emily: [Smiling but confused] Like…what?
Tyler: Us.
Emily: Really? [Grabs Tyler’s hands and strokes them gently] I didn’t think you were one of those kinds of people.
Tyler: [Friendly/Sarcastic third person tone] Tyler [Moves hands out of Emily’s and towards his chest] has many characteristics.
Emily: [Laughing] So Emily Sees.

[The lights go out on stage left and reappear on stage right where another girl, Jen, walks on with her friend, Will. Jen appears exasperated and collapses on a park bench, mentally exhausted. Will sits down next to her and rubs her back.]

Will: [Quietly, filled with pity] How you doing?
Jen: [Clenches jaw and turns her head aggressively towards him from its previously dormant phase, angry.] How do you think I’m doing?
[Will sits quietly, with no response.]
Jen: [Sighs after a few seconds] Sorry, you didn’t deserve that. [Puts a hand to her head] Everything just hurts so much.
Will: I understand.
[They sit quietly for a few seconds.]
Jen: I mean, how could he do that?
Will: He doesn’t deserve you.
Jen: [After a moment] I know. I keep telling myself that, but for some reason I can’t help but wonder what she has that I don’t. [Pause] I’m a relatively good person…right?
Will: [Puts arm around Jen in a purely platonic/friend way] Yes. You’re smart, funny, and beautiful. Tyler’s just too…stupid to realize it.
Jen: Will…
Will: I mean it. If I weren’t gay…
Jen: [interrupts him, laughing] WILL!
Will: [Chuckles] Okay, okay, I’ll stop. [More serious] But, what I will say is that you’re going to be alright.
Jen: [Pause] To be honest, I’m not so sure.

[Will once again wraps his left arm around Jen and rubs her shoulder, comforting her.]
[Lights go out on stage right and reappear on stage left, where Tyler and Emily have moved farther left and set up a picnic. Emily sets down the Cokes and they sit down, enjoying each other’s company.]

Emily: [Looking around at the scenery] This place is beautiful.
Tyler: You’re beautiful.
Emily: [Laughs loudly and playfully hits his shoulder] Shut up!
Tyler: [Laughs] What? It’s true…
Emily: [Calms down and gets more serious] What made you choose me, anyways?
Tyler: What inspired that?
Emily: [Shying away] I don’t know…
Tyler: [Grabbing her hand and looking deep into her eyes] You’re smart, cute, funny…
Emily: [Shyly laughs] Thanks…
Tyler: [Takes a sip of his drink] What?
Emily: What, what?
Tyler: What did you expect me to say?
Emily: [Smiles and shortly laughs] I didn’t exactly have any expectations…
Tyler: [Smiles, fake insulted] And what is that supposed to mean?
Emily: [Mysteriously] Nothing…
Tyler: [Runs his hand through her hair] You are insane; you know that, right?
Emily: [Laughs] I’ve been told that once or twice…
Tyler: [Smiles] Yeah, me too.
Emily: Really? [Sarcastic] And who would say to that to the fabulous Tyler?
Tyler: [Laughs, but sort of uncomfortable] Jen…
Emily: Jen..? Like in my English class Jen?
Tyler: Yeah.
Emily: [Pauses] Are you okay? You seem, I don’t know, like weird…
Tyler: Yeah, I’m fine.
Emily: [Newly uncomfortable and sort of insecure] I didn’t even know you guys were friends.
Tyler: We’re not.
Emily: [Awkwardly] Oh, okay.

[They each take a bite of their sandwiches and the lights go out once again. The lights reappear on stage right, where Will is standing up next to an incessantly depressed Jen, who is still sitting dormant on the park bench.]

Will: [Leans one hand on the end of the bench] I have an idea.
Jen: What?
Will: [Desperately trying to be optimistic for Jen’s sake] Lets go for a walk.
Jen: Will, I appreciate the effort, but it took you long enough to even get me out of my house. [Sighs] Everything reminds me of Tyler.
Will: [Pause] He really isn’t worth it Jen, you…
Jen: [Interrupting Will] Just stop it already! I know! [She brings her hands to her face and stands up, angry.] You don’t understand!
Will: [Stands up, upset and full of pity] Jen…
Jen: [Interrupting Will again] Will…[Calming down] He’s the first guy I could ever open up to.
Will: I know what you’re saying.
Jen: [Nicely] But I don’t think you do. It’s so hard for me to show my true self to anyone. He really understood. And then he…
Will: [Completing Jen’s sentence] Broke your heart.
Jen: [Nods] And didn’t even realize he was doing it.
Will: [Pause] Did he know?
Jen: Know what?
Will: How you felt.
Jen: Eventually. I told him after I found out about Emily.
Will: [Sadly curious] Well, what did he say?
Jen: [Sits back down on the bench and looks straight forward] That we were never going to be together.
Will: [Sits next to her] Harsh…
Jen: No, no, he didn’t say it like it sounded. When we talked more about it, he said that he valued me more as a friend. [Sadly sighs] To be honest, I don’t think I mean as much to him as he does to me.
Will: I doubt that that’s right.
Jen: [Knowingly] It is. I was just his pet, if that.
Will: [Exasperated] Jen…
Jen: I just take things more seriously than him. What kills me the most though, is that he really is a large part of my life and I’m, [Pauses] I’m virtually nothing to him.

[Will gives up on cheering up Jen and they both sit at opposite ends of the bench, staring straight ahead. The lights go out on stage right and reappear on stage left where Emily and Tyler have left their picnic to return to the same place in the park where they were introduced. Emily is facing stage right with her back to Tyler, looking at the nature. They’re back to their flirtatious moods.]

Tyler: [Comes up behind Emily and wraps himself around her waist.] This has been a really good day.
Emily: [Turns to him, so they are now standing in the front, more right side of stage left] It really has.
Tyler: Only because you were here.
Emily: [Smiles] You really need to stop with these cheesy lines.
Tyler: [Laughs] Oh, you know you like it.

[Emily shakes her head at him laughingly. They continue to talk, but the audience can no longer hear them because for the first time the lights have turned on for both sides of the stage. The audience sees both Will and Jen sitting on the bench and Tyler and Emily flirtatiously talking to one another. Both settings are in the park.]

Jen: You know, he’s with Emily now.
Will: I know, you’ve said it quite often.

[Neither Jen nor Will look at Emily and Tyler. Even though the scenes have merged, the couples are not in the same place. Emily and Tyler continue to hold hands facing each other, happily flirting.]

Jen: She’s really pretty.
Will: Yeah.
Jen: And like the “clever, witty smart.” She does worse than me in school but she’s naturally smarter.
Will: [Pointlessly speaking] Yeah.
Jen: [Continuing on] And she’s in his friend group. [Pauses and sadly speaks] She’s good for him; they’re good for each other.
Will: [Turns towards Jen] Are you alright?
Jen: No, but I’m trying.
Will: [Puts his arm around Jen] What’s holding you back?
Jen: The trait from Hell.
Will: [Squeezes her shoulder] And that is?
Jen: Hope.
Will: [Pause] That’s not such a bad trait to have.

[Long pause. She turns stands up and walks towards front stage. She talks as she faces the audience and proceeds to move onto stage left, crossing Emily and standing next to Tyler. Tyler and Emily are still facing each other giggling and flirting, holding hands. Although Jen is directly next to Tyler, it is as if nothing has changed. Will continues to sit on the bench looking straight forward, also as if nothing has changed.]

Jen: [Gently strokes Tyler’s face all while Tyler and Emily continue as if nothing is happening.] It’s that tiny inkling of hope. [Runs fingers through Tyler’s hair and faces the audience, taking a few steps forward.] You can tell yourself nothing will happen, but the more you continue to think and hope, the more pathetic it all becomes.

[At this point, Emily and Tyler embrace and romantically kiss. Jen still stands forward towards the audience. Jen doesn’t look at what’s going on but seems to know never-the-less.]

Jen: We all just need to realize that some things aren’t meant to be.

[The lights go out on the scene. They leave Will still sitting on the bench, facing forward, Emily and Tyler holding hands looking into each other’s eyes, and Jen facing forward staring out into the audience.]

Hello, mayonnaise! I've never critiqued a script before, so I'm not sure how helpful this will be...

Is this a standalone scene, or is it part of a play? I'd like to see what happened before. If you added more before, though, you'd have to change this scene a bit, take out some of the background stuff because we'd already know.

If there's not more before, I'd like to know more about after. MORE!! Somewhere!

I think your dialogue is REALLY good. Especially the - what are they called? directions? the stuff in brackets, I mean. Anyway, the emotions are really good & I could picture everything.

Also, it's really interesting at the end, the way Jen goes over but Tyler & Emily can't tell. That's what makes this a good script, I think, because you can picture the scene & it couldn't be expressed the same way in a story.

Jen: I mean, how could he do that?
Will: He doesn’t deserve you.

Okay, at the beginning, when Jen says this, I'm thinking Tyler cheated on her or something. But we learn later that he didn't really do anything to her, right? Like maybe they got kind of close & Jen thought they were together but Tyler just shyed away? What exactly happened?

Jen: And like the “clever, witty smart.” She does worse than me in school but she’s naturally smarter.

This is like the only line in here that's not completely clear. I think it would be okay if it were reworded.

Bravo!
-Rachel

Thank you! I'll work on trying to clear up a few things. I really appreciate the response (:

HI there!

I'm pretty new to this site and I've been looking at some of the scripts, and I really love yours! I like acting, and if I were given the opportunity to play Jen I would totally take it!

The one thing that annoyed me was the spacing. It got quite difficult to read, so maybe it would be better if you put a blank line between each character's dialogue? Any also Put their names in All caps, or stage directions in italics, just so it's a bit clearer.

I also thought Tyler and Emily could be doing something while Jen's talking, but I'm sure that if it were to be performed, they wouldn't just sit there.

I really loved having the two separate scenes that merged into one.

Hope this helps a little!

hopefully this is easier to read

Well, I'm late in commenting, but I relate to this play so much, so I have to comment somehow.

You basically touched every feeling we bipolar and hormonal teens face in every day senarios that happen worldwide. And I think the idea where she's describing hope and Jen is left out of the picture though she's directly in it, it has hidden meaning.

And in these kinds of plays, I'm happy to see you have both senarios happening at the same time. It seems more accurate in a way.

The only thing I think needs to be highlighted more is the relationship between the characters in different scenes. How are the girls connected? The boys? We know how Tyler and Jen have to do with each other, but we don't know Will's connection to Tyler. Those are the only points I think need to be stronger.

Continue writing, because I could not stop reading and I'd love to see a continued plot!

Love this.
I'm a sucker for these relationship pieces, when you put people in difficult situations and see how they react.
This is done in a extraordinary amount of detail you can really see it played out.
The characters seem three dimensional and detailed, real, well done.
My only problem is the flow. It stutters in places.
Also you leave a lot of unanswered questions, it leaves us unfulfilled.
Beside that good job

Hey!

I'm really new to this site, and this is my first review and all, but I was in a couple of plays, so hopefully I can be of at least a little help.

First and foremost, I adore the script. You've got serious talent, and maybe in a little while consider taking it to the next level!

Secondly, I agree with some of the previous feedback. This play could be a tad more active. Instead of the couples just sitting, maybe have them do an activity or hobby instead, or have them in a different setting. But I really love this play, it's awesome!

I had no idea what was going on. As in a general theme of things. But as far as short term goes, yeah I could understand and see the actions. If you made this into a play, or someone did I think it would be very good. Sure it isn’t perfect. It’s close. And good for what I’ve read.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Thats so sad! It reminds me of something that happened to me! Its so sweet! And sad at the same time oh my God! Awesome job!

Keep up the awesome work!

-Irish

Okay, maybe I just didn't find this mind blowing because I cant wallow for something so small for so long. Have you read the Book Thief by Markus Zusack? The entire book is sad, but you aren't physically sad, becuase you aren't reading a sad narrator, so your sad for the character, not for he writing, only the writing in poems should give off an aura, the writing in stories and scripts should just be good, scratch that, it should be brilliant. That's the difference between sad characters and sad narrator. I know this is a play, and there shouldn't be a narrator per say, but theres a tone, or aura, that isnt pleasing to read. But i think you should spend more time developing the characters relationship, because, that's what the entire script is based on. Even though its quite clear, there needs to be more of a individual, unique, aspect to each person...
Edit and Perfect and Continue

I really relate with the story cause i am currently in Tyler's position. I like the way Tyler showed remorse when mentioning Jens name it shows that he still has empathy towards her and would not want to see her hurt which is always true in a case like this.
I also enjoyed the character Will he was persistent.