7/10 It's full of action, a great way of starting a story, but it didn't poke out much interest. It was good, though
My line: The sky remained as a dark, magnetic swirl, reminding me of the times Anita and me would eat popcorn while we watched black and white television static.
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8/10, I would say. I'd put a comma after sometimes, I think that a pause after that word would make the reader shiver a bit more :3 (Without the comma after wonderedm that is)
For every story, there's an end.
(yes that's the first sentence, huh)
• previously ChildOfNowhere - they/them - literary fantasy with a fairytale flavour
6/10. It pulls me in because I'm like, "Well, that's different," but then I'm like, "Wait, not so much. I wrote something that went back and forward in time with a character that was on hallucinogenic drugs." But I like making things hard for myself, and so the simplicity of the line is good in its own way.
Jacksin Pelley sat in the corner of a bathroom, a room trashed in the midst of repair.
7/10. It gives a sense that it could have both a physical and emotional meaning - and I love the different way of spelling "Jacksin"!
She was the oxygen that most found necessary; he was the molecule of carbon that made her fatal.
"My hobbies include editing my life story, hiding behind metaphors, and trying to convince my shadows that I am someone worth following." - Rudy Francisco
It's definitely a cliche. But I would probably continue reading due to the fact that it gets to the point, and now I want to know "what's on?"
So I'll say a 7 out of 10.
Okay... Chapter One of my story is mainly a prologue, but I call it "chapter one," so it's not written the way I would normally write, and the main character (in the prologue, in the past) is very stuck up and oblivious = not very bright. Here it is.
Two months ago, I would’ve gladly listened to an eternity’s worth of Mr. Brady’s political organization lectures, as long as it meant that I would never have to experience again what would shortly follow.
there is specificity in the first half of the sentence and it leads the way into the rest of the story. but there's no action so as a reader I don't get the feeling that there's a lot going on when I walk in.
Once upon a time, in a quiet house in a pleasant little neighborhood, there lived a little boy whose parents were cannibals.
First you will awake in disbelief, then in sadness and grief and when you wake the last time, the forest you've been looking for will turn out to be right in the middle of your chest.
10/10 The grammar is impeccable and it's always nice to see a reference to cannibals to help show our modern society that we need to accept cannibalism.
What is love?
The course skin of a thousand elephants sewn together to make one leather wallet.
Gender:
Points: 515
Reviews: 7