Well, I fucked up.
Again.
As I watch Emma rush to the doors, I can't seem to move my feet. Inside my head I'm the hero friend running after her to apologize for everything, and to tell her all my secrets.
But I don't. I can't. Why can't I?
I was never meant to have friends. Honestly I was probably never meant to be liked, like my mother. I could say that I just snapped at Emma when I said those things about Sawyer. But in truth, I kind of meant it. They've known each other about a week. They've slept together once or twice. That doesn't mean love. That doesn't mean she's special. Not to Sawyer.
Part of me knows that Emma could be Sawyers savior, but I still couldn't stop myself from doing the one thing I do best.
I throw people's drama in their face so they ignore mine.
Dammit!
I kick the row of lockers tears filling my eyes. I head for the doors after Emma. When I step outside into the warm air I see her crying collapsed in Declan's arms. After a moment Declan's eyes find mine, and he holds my stare for a long time. My stomach flips, and I feel like I might throw up.
Why do I care so much about what that damn book nerd thinks?
A tear falls from my eye, and I mouth I'm sorry before running back inside. Ive never been able to keep friends for long, but I can't stop the hurt that I feel every time I realize it's my fault.
I quickly walk down the hall towards Nick's office where I know he is on his lunch break right now. I walk in shutting and locking the door behind me. He rises to his feet startled, and I rush to him where he embraces me.
"Hey is everything okay?" He grabs my face.
"I'm fine. I just needed to get-" He quickly interrupts me by kissing me gently at first then fiercely. I push him off of me taking a step back. "That's... not what I meant." He steps towards me grabbing my hand.
"I was just trying to make you feel better." He wraps his other hand around my waist pulling my head to his. I push him again.
"That is not what's going to make me feel better right now!" He grips my wrist hard against the bruises from the last time he grabbed me this way.
"Be quiet." He snarls through a clenched jaw. "Do you know what would happen if someone heard you?" I look up at him his eyes dark.
"You're- You're hurting me."
"I could go to jail, and you'd be deemed a slut." His grip tightens when his voice becomes softer. "I can't let that happen. Because I love you." He whispers in my ear. I close my eyes as he kisses me again realeasing my wrist as he does so.
My mind is racing so fast with thoughts of Emma, Declan and Nick that I almost miss the soft sound of a click outside the office window. But before I can react, my mind is taken back to all the things I've done and said.
It's all my fault. It will be all my fault.
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After the lunch bell rings, I slowly leave Nick's office with our usual routine just in case someone is around to see or hear us.
"Thanks Mr. Anderson for the help. I'm sorry to keep taking up your lunches like this but hopefully this will help get my grade up."
"Of course. Always happy to help a student." I slightly smile pulling away from the doorway. As I walk down the hallway I self consciously pull my blazer past my wrist so it's hidden. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, or even realized he did it. I just need to be more careful next time.
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After school, I ride with Dylan back to her house explaining the whole situation about Emma. As we sit on her couch, I can see her face working through the situation.
"Yeah, you kind of fucked up Claire." She says simply. I hide my face in my hands.
"I know." I moan.
"I mean you can't blame her. The hair change is a little extreme and unexpected to say the least. Its not her fault for caring about you."
"That's the problem. She cares and she shouldn't. In my experience it always seems like people care, but they actually don't."
"Are you kidding me Claire? Now you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Believe it or not people are allowed to actually care about you. You've been in Gossip Girls anti-trust circle for to long." She sighs. "Why would you say that to her? Of all things you know how hard it's been with everyone and their mother on her ass about this. Not to mention her dealing with her feelings as well."
"I just...snapped." I explain. "Plus I thought in some sick way I was helping her. But now I see that all I did was hurt her, and myself."
"Claire-"
"I wish I could take it back." I interrupt. "It's just...I've never been good at this whole friend thing, and I usually screw it up. My problem is I can't help but be brutally honest sometimes, and my filter just goes away. Everything has been a little difficult lately and I lost sight of what other people were going through. I mean I haven't even asked how you've been lately with all this big red shit Gossip Girl has thrown on you!" I explain.
"I'll be fine, but right now I'm curious to know what's wrong with you Claire? I mean you have been acting kind of weird lately." She says placing a hand on my shoulder. Just then, the door swing open, and Dylan and I turn towards to door to see a sweaty Declan get home from practice. "Hey bro." She waves. He looks at us a moment (particularly me) before nodding to Dylan and walking away to go shower.
"That was weird." Dylan says.
"He's probably pissed at me." I say.
"Him too? Are you sure everything's okay with you right now?
"It doesn't matter. Honestly it's-it's nothing. My concern is more about Emma right now."
"Then why don't you just tell her all that? Tell her everything you told me. I know she'd understand, and probably forgive you." She grabs her phone. "How about we try to get some lunch later this week. Give her some time to think before you guys talk."
"I'd doubt she'd do it if she heard I was gonna be here."
"Never know unless you try." She smiles. "By the way you're spending the night."
"Do I have a choice?" I ask.
"Of course not." She says, and I smile.
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