Young Writers Society

Breathing shallowly, Alex made as little noise as possible, and tried not to look down at rushing river far below.

Her hiding place was a small ledge that jutted out of the cliff, she clung to the side of it, knowing that if those two men didn't leave soon, she wouldn't have the strength to keep herself from falling, and dying.

What were they talking about anyway? She wondered, and took the opportunity to listen in on their conversation. But she couldn't make out the words, and finally pondered her predicament.

The elf, the one she had stolen from, was clearly trying to seek revenge. Evil elf. A bit of meat? Please, that wasn't much to get excited about...he must be after something else, she decided, but preferred not to take any chances.

The other man, the human one, had no reason to follow her, but he did. She couldn't understand. Why would anyone follow her unless it was for some evil purpose?

Months of living alone with barely enough food had eroded any sense of someone having any kindness.

She couldn't think anymore, she had to focus on keeping herself glued closely to the cliff ledge. Her arms ached terribly. She couldn't hold on much longer. What were they doing up there?

Quote:
Breathing shallowly, Alex made as little noise as possible, and tried not to look down at rushing river far below.
I'm not sure, but I think the sentence is a little too complex... I had to reread it.

quote:
Her hiding place was a small ledge that jutted out of the cliff, she clung to the side of it, knowing that if those two men didn't leave soon, she wouldn't have the strength to keep herself from falling, and dying.
Again, the same. OWuldn't it be easier if you wrote two or three sentences? I was a bit lost here...

quote:
The elf, the one she had stolen from, was clearly trying to seek revenge
What did she steel from him?

quote:
he must be after something else, she decided, but preferred not to take any chances.
Capital 'he'

I liked the ending, though I have to add that the piece was VERY short.

elein,

This is in storybook, *laughs a little* this is the second page. But thanks for the critique!

Sorry I don't have alot of time to see what has been done. I didn't realise there was a second page. I'm just going to not write in this story book anymore, I cannot keep up. You can still use my character if you want.


Sorry,
Jearjioe

Uh...jearjio, she's on the rocks ledge hidden from their view. Not on a stump. But that's ok ...could you change it though? I mean, it's kind of lame for her to be sitting--on a stump.

umm yeah I never left the tree to talk Jearjioe you might wanna change that too

Aro jumoed out of the tree and patted Zelles on the back. "It's good to see you Zelles. But i don't think this is th etime for joyful conversations. We have a young girl holding on to the edge of a cliff below us." Aro extended a hand to the girl and smiled at her kindly. "Theivery is not worth your life M'lady, may I help you?"....


(You decide MissPriss, do you take my hand or not?)

But we're not trying to gang up on you jearjio.

After all, this is only your first post in this storybook.

Yeah dude sorry. I did sound kinda mean...... Well, cya tomorrow tuesday in school

((Ah. But you DID jump out of the tree. See?))

blackwings_angel wrote: "Hello Zelles,"Aro said smoothly jumping out of the tree. "What are you doing out here? And why have you trapped this youth between a cliff and a warrior. If I was her I would choose runnig to the right."

Alex glared at the presumptuous elf and climbed onto level ground with little difficulty.

"I see you two know each other," she said icily, staring fixedly into Aro's eyes. She folded her arms on her chest in a interrogative way.

"How is it that you come to enjoy stalking female humans?" She now glaring at both of them.

"Stalking, now don't jump to conclusions miss. I simply saw your fire smoke and went to investigate. These are uneasy times so none of us can be to carful," Said Zelles. He Bows, "I I'm sorry if I startled you miss. Zelles the White Knight at your service."
"Wow, very good Zelles, like a real gentalmen," said Aro in a silly voice.
"Under normal conditions a would pound your face in, but we are in the presence of a lady." Zelles turned toward the woman. "May we help you?"

((You guys, I have this feeling that this isn't really going anywhere, is there a way to make the plot more interesting?))

What were they doing? She wondered. If she didn't know better she would have thought they were fighting over her, but of course, she knew better.

"You can leave me alone, and find some stupid maiden in distress to occupy your dashing knightly services," Replied Alexandria coolly, and she walked away.

"Ah-"Aro said, "I am not looking for any ordinary maiden. I was on my way to the Terran forest, near Derag. Along my travels I stumbled along a fortune teller named Zemora. She told me of a maiden. Hungry and alone, scarred and hurt. I don't see any scars," Aro eyed her carefully. She was quite beautiful. "But, you must be the one. We need to start our walk. Mount Valor is a long way ahead of us." He grabbed Alex's wrist and started walking north. Alex didn't budge. "Girl,- I mean-" Aro paused in search of words. "What is your name? Well whatever your name is we have to go before the new moon. We can rest if you want, seeing how you were hungry enough to become a thief, you normally are not a thief, are you?."

"Aro, what are you doing. Try to explain things first. Then we can decide what to do next."

Aro took in a deep breath. "The fortune teller told me that you," He nodded towards Zelles, "-and I would run into a-" He paused for a moment, "Queen of sorts," and nodded to Alex. "Or at least one of the royal blood, the last of the royal blood. We must bring her to the truth, and keep her kingdom out of the hands of-" Aro once again paused this time afraid of what might happen if he told the the truth,"- him ."
Aro bowed lowly for Alex. "M'lady, what shall we do?" Aro smiled, at the girl, the look on her face was priceless.