Young Writers Society

“Hey, Kass, what’s up?” I asked as we crossed to the towering red door of the high school, pushing it with all my might and heading down long hall.

“I was only guessing, Kass!” I only rolled my eyes before turning to continue our sedate plod down the hall. I hadn’t noticed the sea of students flowing around us,

“Thanks, Kass,” I sighed.

“Kass!”

“Kass…”

It irks me how often you are using the narrator's best friend's name at the end of almost everything she tells her.

The story is also very dragged out and boring. If you were to cut it much shorter and stop over-elaborating on everything it has the potential to be a whole lot better.

Hey!
First of all I just want to express how awesome your story is. I don't have much to say - all the other critiquers pretty much raked it up.

I was a little confused as to the whole scent thing. Are these humans, or vampires? Are we not supposed to know yet? Because humans wouldn't be able to smell like that.
Also, Kassie's whole reaction to the schedule thing (particularly if she's a vampire) was really extreme. I mean, seriously. Screeching and crunching up desks with her fingers? Sounds a little insane to me.

“Girls!” Jonesy roared, grabbing us and hauling us to his chest. The beautiful smell disappeared the second he smushed our faces into his smelly shirt that, like the rest of him, reeked of stale body odor and grime. His tall, lanky figure held powerful muscles - our own were far too weak to battle against, though we were trying.

“Did you shower in your own puke this morning, Jonesy?” Kass wrinkled her nose with distaste, not even trying to struggle against his iron grip anymore. He smiled to reveal his crooked teeth with his cheeks folding up into numerous wrinkles, his eyes disappearing entirely.

“No, didn’t have time.”

“To puke? Wow, what a first. What’d you use? The sweat scraped off from under your moms boobs or what?”

Kassie snapped.

“Hey, her boob sweat is a personal issue I prefer not to be discussed outside the family.”

“Wow, sorry.”

“Don’t be, baby,” he leaned right down to whisper something in her ear that made her writhe wildly, her brown eyes wide with terror. He ignored her, clutching her closer, squeezing me at the same time.

Haha... okay, this whole exchange was hilarious and very realistic. I've witnessed almost identical conversations between other friends, so kudos on that. However, I was a little confused as to whether he was a friendly giant, so to speak, with an odor problem? Or are they afraid of him as you make it sound in the end?

Okay... that's all I have. I'm off to chapter two. Nice job!
Cheerio,
MademoiselleKool

Aw Ash.. it's were, with us being all writers and such...

Aw thanks! This ^ is all brilliant! When I do more crtis I'll donate more... I'm falling behind lately.

New Years Reso right there.

I'm physically unable to tell a short story as well.

First, a few nitpicks that I don't think have been already pointed out:

“We do? Aw, I hate that horrid, rapid-fire voice of hers. Gives me the creeps!”

Comma after horrid and "rapid-fire" is hyphenated. You always put a comma when you're listing adjectives that describe the same noun.

I hadn’t noticed the sea of students flowing around us, as if they were terrified of touching us, like we were a virus.

"...as if terrified of touching us, ..." doesn't make any sense by itself. Adding "they were" to it makes it a legit clause. Also, although it is correct, I don't suggest putting in two clauses at the end.

"...as if... like we were a virus." Make the last one, "like we were a virus," into its own sentence.

I hadn't noticed the sea of students flowing around us, as if they were terrified of touching us. We were like a virus to them.

Obviously, that lame attempt is just to demonstrate. If you want to continue the oceanic metaphor, try finding out what the name of some underwater virus is (nothing extreme, of course) and using it. Meh, it might work

I’d lived in Raymond for eight years, and the last time there’d been a new kid at school I was in fifth grade.

Comma where indicated - compound sentence.

A voice boomed behind us, and we automatically jumped forward in unison, away from the lurking danger, away from the sour odor dispersing the beautiful one, our eyes searching for escape.

Comma where indicated - compound sentence.

“To puke? Wow, what a first. What’d you use? The sweat scraped off from under your moms boobs or what?”

Kassie snapped.

This should be on one line because "Kassie snapped." was originally meant to be right after her quote, right?

“Ellen Johnson, I see we’re assessing the class already, are we?”

State that the teacher is talking here. You put so much detail into the previous paragraph, I had forgotten it was supposed to be here. Distracted a little. Just put in the *insert name, insert verb, period* after the quote.

I cringed back into my seat. [s]and,[/s] Before anybody could actually dig a dagger into my head, I dropped it onto my hands and groaned quietly.

I'd start a new sentence where indicated; that way it's not too wordy for one sentence and doesn't have too many clauses in it.

“Your schedules are final, and you will need permission from your parents and your teacher before moving any classes.”

Comma, compound sentence.

Not only do schedules either stir or deter the storm cloud that is your future, but they outline your friends, or lack of, your end of year grade, good or bad, and whose parties you’re going to attend.

Take out the "but" here, it is unnecessary.

We were lucky to be graced with his mere presence, and due to the constant classes with him, Kassie had dated him all during freshmen year and most of my sophomore year too, but now they were close friends.

Commas - first for the compound sentence, second for the introductory phrase. However, this entire sentence is way too wordy; separate it into at least two sentences somewhere, and it will flow much better.

“Is that all?” I gasped, leaning back in my chair to breathe a sigh of relief. So it wasn’t her teachers, it was indeed just a bad classroom location.”

Random quotation mark at the end?

Behind me Thalia was giggling into her hand, Jared was still glaring ahead, Melanie’s shoulders were shaking with silent laughter, and the remaining students joined in with a splutter of laughter

Period at the end

'Machine gun Gracey'

You've been hyphenating so far; put it in here, too.

I couldn’t help but join in when I realized how Kassie – always queen bee with expensive high heels, wearing the latest fashions, and never-had-a-problem-with-school-so-I’ll-just-breeze-through, was about to be ‘de-throned’.

There needs to be a dash here instead of a comma; you put in a dash at first to set off a phrase, you need a second dash where you finish it.

“I doubt it,” my voice faltering;

This isn't a "sentence" here.

"I doubt it," I replied, my voice faltering;

You need your subject-verb inserted here.

drop her down to Maths in practice,

Don't capitalise "Maths"

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Mkay, this was hilariously entertaining. Compound sentences don't like you that much, though, lmao. Just remember to put in your commas where they are needed. Great job

Hi niccy!

I'm off to read chapter 2 like you requested (sorry for the ridiculously long wait).
This was very intriguing! I really enjoy your description and dialogue. I laughed quite a few times.

There was absolutely nothing here to critique! Except for this:

“Is that all?” I gasped, leaning back in my chair to breathe a sigh of relief. So it wasn’t her teachers, it was indeed just a bad classroom location.”

Remove the last quotation mark.

Nice job! Gold star.
Prepare for a thorough review on the next chapter!


*anti-pop

This is amazing, and I only found one typo:
“Is that all?” I gasped, leaning back in my chair to breathe a sigh of relief. So it wasn’t her teachers, it was indeed just a bad classroom location." (extra ")
Other than that, I LOVED IT!!!!!! Wonderful!