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Young Writers Society


There's Something About Jerry



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
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Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:41 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Part Two
Still in my work uniform I made my way to Barnes and Nobles. I needed someone to talk to; my friends. And I don’t mean books were my friends. I mean the nobodies who sat in the comfy chairs reading books they weren’t going to buy. As well as the impressionable employees trying to get through college.

These people were my refugee. And today I needed them most of all.

I saw Sarah putting up a new display of Meg Cabot books. When she saw me she smiled , she had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

“ Hey girl, I thought you were working.”

“ I was… but it’s a long story.”

“ Well, get back there and relax. We got some more Indian.”

I thought that was funny because she knew I didn’t smoke. And yet my friends constantly acted like they wouldn’t care if I started to. But I know they would once Steve caught me taking a puff and he gave me this long and very painful lecture.

And don’t ask me why my friends have this fascination with Indian drugs…because honestly I don’t know. Perhaps they think its more spiritual then sinful. It wasn’t weed, and it certainly wasn’t Opium. They had it shipped from a tribe in Colorado and no one was sure if it was bad for your health or not. Some pipes had Tobacco and others had something called Catlinite or Pipestone.

I walked into the back room past the green curtain. I saw Steven , Mickey ,and Alex all sitting on the blue couch. The “back” was a crowded storage area. Behind the cough was a bookshelf with everyone’s favorite books. And there was a television , a PS2 , as well as a DVD player with all our favorite movie’s.

Steve was very…how to describe him? Studious? Intelligent but very engaging, anyone would love to talk to him. He always wore a suit and he never failed to amuse me. He was in college to become a lawyer. And he was kind of cute, but not the type of way where I’d have a crush on him. I wouldn’t exactly call it brotherly love…it was more the friend you simply couldn’t have. And something you’d never really try to have. I mean he’s twenty years old for starters.

Mickey herself… she was just awesome. She was kind of a tomboy, and she was a skater for another thing. She wore beanies, long shirts and baggy shorts. Her hair was long and curly. She dressed normal sometimes but usually she was just Mickey, not Machala [ when ever she has to dress up we call her by her real name]. Mickey was good at giving advice and she always made us laugh. At nineteen she was half way through junior college but most of her time was spent trying to be a pro skater.

Then there was Alex he worked at Barnes and Nobles with Sarah. He, like me was African American. I guess he was on his lunch break or had just finished a shift. Either way you could always find him stuffing his face into a burger or sandwich. He aspired to be a Food Champion and a chef. At twenty-one Alex had fifteen titles from years of competing. As well as trophies for baking competitions, but most of all he wanted to make the perfect Chili for the Dellmans Ultimate Chili Challenge.

When everyone saw me come in they smiled and hugged me. Steve seemed happy to see me as if Mick and Alex had made him go nuts for the last hour.

“ Haven’t seen you in a while chica.” Mickey said moving over so I could sit beside her.

Steve set down his small little bound book which had no title and made me think it was something he had written. “ Yes, not since last Monday anything knew with you?”

“Are they still making those Pizza Reef pizzas so greasy?” Alex asked.

I laughed taking the cookie from the coffee table, just as Mickey lighted her Pipe.

“Well…there’s some stuff going on I wouldn’t call it new though. And yes Alex they are still greasy.”

Steve nodded, picking his book back up and Alex made a gesture of approval, “ Yes! That’s going to be an awesome lawsuit, you don’t tell Pedro but Steve and I going are to get him fired.”

I laughed, “ You guys really do love me!” Even though I would totally want to see Pedro yell at Lola a few more dozen times.

“Why aren’t you at work Cordelia?” Steve asked as if he just barely noticed my attire.

“Long story and no energy to tell it.” I say just as I smell the smoke from Mickey’s pipe.

“Ah, the life of a teenage girl…” I could tell Steve was somewhere else now, and deep into his thoughts.

“You guys are lucky to be out of high school.”

Mickey started to choke on her pipe, “ I don’t think so! High school was the best time of my life. Well, you know, once I found the right kind of friends.”

Alex laughed, “Who the dead beats and the pot head skaters?”

Mickey threw a cookie at him, “ Don’t call them that! They weren’t dead beats…”

I giggled as Alex got the cookie off the floor and considered eating it.

Just then Sarah came in to take her lunch break. She smiled at me as she got her pipe ready, and Alex got up to clock back in.

“So Cordelia, are you going to tell us what’s got you here three hours early?”

I smile, “ Nope!”

Mickey got an impatient look, “ Come on, you now you want to tell us…it’s either about a boy or that loser of a friend of yours.”

When she said that I flinched, how did she know so perfectly well? Mickey was way to good at giving advice.

“Ah , a flinch! Come on tell us Delilah.” Mickey although she didn’t look like it; was very wise. And she was always calling me Delilah.

I sighed, “ Okay fine. She ditched me…Lola and I aren’t friends anymore.” I explained to them the whole situation and even about the food court incident.

“She’s an idiot and one day she’ll realize she needs you more than you need her. Then you’ll be way to cool for her. Just watch.”

Sarah nodded her head, “ Yeah, what comes around goes around; that’s what she gets for being a little back stabber.”

Steve set his book down on the table. “ I find it funny the way she accuses you of homosexuality. Has she ever come out to you?”

I felt dizzy at that moment, “ Hey I just remembered I need to find this book for English class.” I quickly walk out the room as I hear Mickey’s booming laughter.




[Also see Part 1, and Part 1 cont.]
  





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Sun Feb 17, 2008 6:19 pm
Aly_Tobias says...



I saw Sarah putting up a new display of Meg Cabot books. When she saw me she smiled , she had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes.


This is a bit disjointed. It would be better if you cleaned it up and made it maybe a little more descriptive.

I walked into the back room past the green curtain. I saw Steven , Mickey ,and Alex all sitting on the blue couch. The “back” was a crowded storage area. Behind the cough was a bookshelf with everyone’s favorite books. And there was a television , a PS2 , as well as a DVD player with all our favorite movie’s.


Typo right there. I believe you meant "couch".

Steve was very…how to describe him? Studious? Intelligent but very engaging, anyone would love to talk to him. He always wore a suit and he never failed to amuse me. He was in college to become a lawyer. And he was kind of cute, but not the type of way where I’d have a crush on him. I wouldn’t exactly call it brotherly love…it was more the friend you simply couldn’t have. And something you’d never really try to have. I mean he’s twenty years old for starters.


You could make this a little smoother. Try combining some of the sentences and the "He was in college to become a lawyer" kind of came out of nowhere; it doesn't fit with the other sentences before it.

She dressed normal sometimes but usually she was just Mickey, not Machala [ when ever she has to dress up we call her by her real name].


You have an extra space between your "when" and the opening bracket.

Then there was Alex he worked at Barnes and Nobles with Sarah.


It would be better if there was a comma after Alex's name so that the sentence would flow better.

He, like me was African American.


You could either rephrase this sentence to make more sense or put another comma after "me".

Steve seemed happy to see me as if Mick and Alex had made him go nuts for the last hour.


I think you mean "Mickey" there.

“ Yes, not since last Monday anything knew with you?”


There should be another comma after "Monday", or you could put a period and make another sentence.

I laughed taking the cookie from the coffee table, just as Mickey lighted her Pipe.


I believe this is supposed to be "lit".

Alex laughed, “Who the dead beats and the pot head skaters?”


That dailogue is messed up. Either add a comma after "who" or put another "?" mark.

“ Come on, you now you want to tell us…it’s either about a boy or that loser of a friend of yours.”


It should be "know" instead of "now".

“Ah , a flinch! Come on tell us Delilah.” Mickey although she didn’t look like it; was very wise. And she was always calling me Delilah.


First, there's an extra space between "ah" and the comma. Also there should be a comma after Mikey's name. Not to mention the semicolon is unnnecissary. It would be better if you changed the semicolon into a comma, then put a semicolon to join the last sentence to it so that it reads, "Mickey, although she didn't look like it, was very wise; and she always was calling me Delilah." See what I mean? It flows better that way.

Steve set his book down on the table. “ I find it funny the way she accuses you of homosexuality. Has she ever come out to you?”


I think you mean "come onto you" instead of "come out to you". A bit of a funny twist too, accusing Lola of being lesbian.

I felt dizzy at that moment, “ Hey I just remembered I need to find this book for English class.” I quickly walk out the room as I hear Mickey’s booming laughter.


Rephrase the beginning of this sentence so it makes a little more sense please. Also you have another extra space between the opening quotation mark and "Hey".
Crime of the century....[yet to be committed]
  








“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken