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Mon Aug 13, 2007 3:46 am
Incandescence says...



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Last edited by Incandescence on Mon Apr 27, 2009 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Aug 14, 2007 1:56 am
PerforatedxHearts says...



Good start.

Thank God your grammar is basically impeccable [I hope I'm using the right word], and you've already established your characters nicely.

What stands out about this story, one of Cosmo/Politan's great characteristics is the dialogue. Very real, very natural and it doesn't sound forced. But it doesn't bore the reader.

The only thing you forgot, and I'm guessing that it's just a typing mistake, is this:

"So what?" I ask, walking into . "Maybe I'm into that."


Where's she walking into?

So far, so good.
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
  





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Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:22 am
Riedawriter23 says...



Lol, this sounds awesome already. Great character developement, I already want to know more about them.

"You're just jealous," I laugh, standing up to leave.

"I bet you offer him one threesome and he finds another guy."

"So what?" I ask, walking into . "Maybe I'm into that."

**LOL, my favorite part.
Tell me when you've written more!

~Rieda
I love, love.
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The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein