z

Young Writers Society


Bittersweet



User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 1
Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:14 pm
GuardianAngel says...



Your breathing is soft and sweet, muffled behind the blanket of your hand under the pillow and the warmth of my jacket. Your skin is pale and silky against the touch of my fingers. Your face is peaceful, content in an ever-loving way, in a calm that tangles itself with your sleeping mind.

I watch you in a quiet system of rises and falls. The dim light shines through the window shutters and makes lines across the floor in a slight alternating pattern. My eyes travel across the carpeted floor. I keep this image of you locked away in my mind. Deep in a hidden embrace mingling with my heart.

You shiver, but I stay locked in place. Frozen. I can’t take my eyes off of you. I find that the easiest thing to do is stare and amaze myself. Your skin is so pale that it reflects the warm light and your hair is spilling over the pillow like little waterfalls. Your arms are toned, light but strong. The muscles are outlined with thin sharp lines and shaded in by shadows etched along the curves.

You smile in a lazy sort of fashion and it makes my stomach ache for a moment. I twist my hands and a flash appears. The tilt of your head lessens as the bright light fades and your blue eyes pierce through mine. Light glances off the deep blue and twists with the whites of your eyes then fades to give a glazed look to those beautiful pools.

“Hey.” You mutter.

Your eyes are little mirrors reflecting to me the beauty that one person can hold so intensely to their heart, but that you dangle on the edge of caution. Your blue swirls distort the green of mine and blurs off the course to which I have tried to follow. I have but one wish and that is to capture your eyes in a frame so beautiful, yet so incompetent that the world would view them as belonging to a god.

You see, this thing is not associated with sadness. But rather smiles and sighs and soft words and the little things like that. It is associated with warmth and arms and calm and happiness and everything seemingly perfect in this dreary world. This thing has no name, yet compared to the most insignificant explanations. It is a lack of air and the ability to breathe.

It’s composed of the contrast from dark to light; it fades and flares and is the sweet dream and the hellish nightmare. It is everything you could ever want or need. It lingers on the air like a blown kiss and can pollute it with the most terrible of things. It glazes over the mind and takes control of the things placed in its way.

You have mastered this thing, claiming it in honor of all that you stand for. You breathe this thing into me and fill me with the amazing sense of weightlessness. You’re breaking me with it. Fighting against my eyes and yours with the same intent in mind.

Green and blue swirl and twist and spin and wage a silent war against the other. A pleasant war, nothing like the horrors of death and cold blood and murders, but a calm and composed war. It’s your favorite game to play; you enjoy the way I give up so easily. The way I can’t stop staring at you.

The light flashes and I have captured the face of an angel. Your lips are parted slightly and the pink of their slight curves is glossy in the light. Those enthralling blue eyes are closed and hidden from me to give the visage of sleeping. Your arm is curled under the pillow and your other arm is thrown over the comforter, searching for something to pull closer. My old tattered black jacked lay across your waist and your clothes are ruffled as though you rolled over. The creamy white skin of your arms shines along with the warm setting sun and you breathe in a calm manner. In and out, up and down. It bewitches me with the exact beauty of this picture.

It is the composition of that which is perfection and that which is destruction. You are breaking me in the most bittersweet of ways and I don’t care.
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 790
Reviews: 16
Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:59 pm
LisaMCooper says...



My old tattered black jacket lay across your waist and your clothes are ruffled as though you rolled over.


Did you mean jacket? :)


I loved this by the way. Besides that one minor spelling mistake, I found nothing to fix or critique. You paint beautiful images with your words and the sentence structure is absolutely wonderful. I would love to read more from you, you have a wonderful gift with words and putting them into sentences. Keep writing. :)

-Lisa Cooper
My DeviantART Page
My Shared YouTube Channel
[[Subscribe!]]

"You know who protected me back there? Fez."
"Well of course he did. He had to. He's Batman!"
  





User avatar
129 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 2564
Reviews: 129
Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:40 pm
Gracie says...



Hi there.

I'll start by saying that the language here is incredible. You paint great pictures with your words and that's a fantastic skill to have.

My one problem is that it does not realy go anywhere. It is less a story and more a display of your great writing skills. I recommend you try and make things just a bit more plot driven.

Besides that, fantastic.
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland
  





User avatar
498 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:55 pm
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

Like Gracie said, there's not really a plot in there. A conflict between them, or even a internal conflict in the MC... It's just like rambling about the person. Which by the way, is beautifully written. I think that's it's all you need, really. To make this story perfect, a little more plot would help. So, think about an event that could happen, or even, something that already happened and that the MC is thinking about, that you could incorporate into the story.

On the good side, your writing already has a lot of character, and your style is defined pretty well into the story, so all you've got to work on is the things mentioned above.

Good luck with the story! And keep writing of course. ;)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  








Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith