What Not To Do (1)

Mrs. Bakes slid the white sheet of paper upside down on my desk as she breezed down the rows distributing tests. I cautiously flipped over the paper, nervous to discover my fate. The small red C- on the top of the page burned my eyes. Disappointment welled up in my lungs as let out a long sigh. Chemistry became my new reason to inflict pain upon myself.

I sat for the rest of the period silent, with my eyes focused on my test. Mrs. Bakes new lecture turned into a steady hum in my ears. C- spelt out failure. And piled on with everything else, my conscious was plagued with worry and anxiety. My chest became heavy and my throat kept choking up. I felt angry at myself because I was so emotional over a bad grade, creating a painful clash. The best part was, my feelings were silent, leaving me with the gratitude of knowing that nobody was aware of the war inside me.

When the bell rang I bolted out. Passing periods were seven minutes long, which meant I had just enough time. After dumping my things off at my locker I went into the bathroom on the south end of campus, which guaranteed me privacy. Quickly locking myself into a stall I took a safety pin out of my back pocket and rolled up my sleeve. Taking the pin I began to make quick slashing scratches on the bottom of my forearm. After several scratches I finally saw blood, which informed me that it did hurt even though pain wasn't the word I would have used to describe the feeling.

My feelings improved afterwards. With a lighter conscious I wiped off the blood and strolled back to my next class. Still, nobody knew what I did ... or why.

Next period was English, which included Mr. Sansa. Since I was running late to class, I knew that Mr. Sansa wouldn't let me escape without making a scene. I reluctantly walked into the classroom, and awaited his reaction.

"Miss. Sharps how nice of you to grace us with your presence." He was about to finish with another remark before something caught his eye. While I was rapidly shuffling around to get into my seat I knew he had noticed something. I had forgotten to roll my sleeve back down. Panic swept over me within seconds, leaving me paralyzed in the middle of the room with my secret exposed to the world, or at least third period English. "What happened?" He questioned.

"Oh I had yard work yesterday. Those blackberry bushes can be troublesome..." It was a classic and very overused excuse, but it usually worked.

But I knew deep down inside that Mr. Sansa knew that those scratches were intentional.

This is well written, however, more details could be added. We are barely introduced to the MC, and all we know is that she isn't the greatest at Chemistry, and that she uses self injury as a way of letting out her emotions. That being said, you should probably warn the reader about details such as this, as it is either offensive, or can act as a trigger to this kind of behavior. I, myself, can relate well to the MC, as I used to do this same thing. But there are probably a lot of users on YWS that aren't familiar with this sort of emotional release, and won't, or choose not to, understand this. Maybe you could add how the MC is feeling more often, rather than just saying that she was going to now inflict pain on herself because of a lousy grade on a Chem. test. And, the "cutting" wouldn't normally (at least in my case, as well as my friends) be triggered by just a lousy grade. There would have to be stressful, and emotional things that lead up to that, causing an overload.

Putting that aside, I only noticed two little things:

possibleintrovert wrote:"Miss. Sharps, how nice of you to grace us with your presence."

1. The period after "Miss" causes it to look like the end of one sentence, like this: "Miss. [pause] Sharps..." The period isn't needed here, and isn't usually needed after abbreviations for: Ms, Miss, Mr, or Mrs .

2. I've added a comma. I thought it worked better that way.

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Any who, I enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to reading more.
Good luck,
Wildest.

Oh, I get it, it was all a dream! Wonderful!

Hey Possible, HP here!

Before I get to the meat of the review, I just wanted to say that you have good potential. Also, your writing is nice, if not as structured as it could be.

First off, your main character seems flat. You tell us what she is feeling, but you don't make us as the readers feel. A good way to remedy this is not just to tell us how, tell us why. We want to get to know her, we want to be able to understand, at least to a degree, why she does things.

Now on to the grammar, punctuation, etc.

Mrs. Bakes slid the white sheet of paper upside down on my desk as she breezed down the rows (,) distributing tests.

One thing that some people have trouble with are commas. Whenever you are unsure about whether or not to use a comma, read the sentence out loud and see where you pause. Wherever you would naturally pause, that is where the comma should be. In this particular sentence, it should be between 'rows' and 'distributing'.

Disappointment welled up in my lungs as (I) let out a long sigh.

'I' should be in this sentence, it doesn't make much sense without it.

When the bell rang (,) I bolted out.

Once again, a comma would help this sentence flow more easily. You want to avoid those run ons.

After dumping my things off at my locker (,) I went into the bathroom on the south end of campus, which guaranteed me privacy.

Another place for a comma.

Quickly locking myself into a stall (,) I took a safety pin out of my back pocket and rolled up my sleeve.

Comma.

Taking the pin (,) I began to make quick (,) slashing scratches on the bottom of my forearm.

Another time to use a comma is when you are making lists.

With a lighter conscious (,) I wiped off the blood and strolled back to my next class.

Comma.

I reluctantly walked into the classroom(,) and awaited his reaction.

This is a sentence in which a comma isn't necessary. You could say something like, "I reluctantly walked into the classroom, awaiting his reaction." Though, I think it would be best if you just took out the comma.

"Miss. Sharps (,) how nice of you to grace us with your presence."

Comma.

He was about to finish with another remark before(when) something caught his eye.

Not a comma issue this time! Though it does technically make sense to say 'before' right here, 'when' would make a better choice.

While I was rapidly shuffling around to get into my seat (,) I knew he had noticed something.

Comma.

Panic swept over me within seconds, leaving me paralyzed in the middle of the room with my secret exposed to the world,(;) or at least third period English.

This is a really well done sentence! You used your commas quite efficiently. A comma would definitely work between 'world' and 'or', but I would personally use a semicolon instead.

But I knew deep down inside that Mr. Sansa knew that those scratches were intentional.

The word 'but' is a conjunction and as a rule, conjunctions aren't used to begin sentences. Instead of saying that, you could rephrase the sentence to say something like, "Deep down inside though, I knew that Mr. Sansa could tell that those scratches were intentional."

Aside from your comma use and flat main character, you did very well! Your writing itself seems to have great potential, and I would love to read more from you!

Keep Writing!
-HP

Remind me why this is in the romance section?!

It was good and exciting ( and disturbing ) But not romance material!!
Review over it and maybe add in a bit more, edge to the plot?! Where is this going?!

Hope I helped..
Kakagirl x

~~Hi kakagirl! I really liked this peice. I'm not going to correct your grammar, because there was a lot of basic mistakes that I saw were corrected by other users. I was sad to see this end so abrubt. I was really getting intreuged when it ended just like that. I think that you should've included more about the teacher and what happened after the character arrived in class. YOU NEED DIRECTION! It really didn't seem like you had a point to writing this. EVERY peice of writing needs a conflict, characters, and reason!!! You described the conflict with ease and the characters were par but the last third of the necisary elements were lacking sufficantly! If you add a little more to this it can really be a great story filled with emotion and morale. Also, I would like to know how this is a romance story? I can easily see potential for a scandolus first love-story, so instead of changing the genre, have a little fun and add some romantic elements to it! Overall i think this really has potential to be awesome! Keep writing, I want to see where this goes!!!~~

Hello. I read your work and I can say I liked it, though I'm not feeling great after reading it. I agree with those who already said before me that more details would be good. I think you were too much hurrying to write this story because of being afraid that your inspiration would disappear. I've had done so myself, but then I understood that to write under the impression is interesting for the author, but the reader does not have the impression you had while writing, so he needs to be explained and be given the same impression. One of armenian writers said: "I never write about things just after they happen. Sometimes the things that seem global to me under the impression become so minor after an hour or two that I always regret writing about that immediately. Now I never wrtie under the impression, and sometimes the things I didn't notice at once come in front of my eyes later and these I'm sure deserve being written." I think all the authors should do so.
But anyway, I liked it, I cought what you was trying to say and I wish you good luck. Never stop trying and writing, no matter who says and what says about you.