Me: So what was so hard about writing the report?
Friend: Well, I had to say the P word, you know, and that's just so dam awkward.
Me: No its not, I bet you I can write a whole story and not say that at all.--
So, here goes nothing. It's kinda supposed to be a joke. Just read the whole thing without stopping, that's all I can advise
. George Washington-
This girl and I were really getting down to it on the outside wall of a local pizza joint downtown. In that dark alley we were bundled up together against the wall, partly for each other and partly for warmth against the cold winter. She gripped me like some type of banana as I watched her drool all over me. All night she had been asking for it. “Baby, just give it to me. I hate it when you tease me with your love stick like that. You know all I want to do is give you a sweet thrill. Run my tongue down that thing you call a pistol and taste all that liquid pleasure that comes out” she whispered into my ears as she started to knell down and unbutton my pants and pull the zipper down. What am I supposed to say? I’m not sure if I see her as an angel right now or a demon, with those polished hands and sleek eyes. Either way, I’m bursting at the seams to let her have a piece of me. She’s just so seductive tonight it feels like it would be impossible to deny that pleasure to her. As she licks her lips I can’t help but tense up and straighten out. I watched the cherry chap stick glisten on her lips as she went in for the kill, making me go rigid and jolt my head back against the night. All that sexual energy was shooting up through me and was so strong I swear it might have run all the way to my head and near blown it away. Her licking was just that good. The way those lips danced with that tongue and caressed me made my head spin. I didn’t want those back and forth motions to stop. I wanted to dance all night long with those lips. I wanted to dance for so long and so hard that the only way that our rhythm could be broken is to be discovered by the owner the morning when he comes to open up the shop. The pleasure buildup was so strong that it did indeed destroy my time senses, for a couple of minutes (or could it of been hours? Days?) later I finally realized that she was letting those seductive cherry lips drag off of me with a final sexy purr.
Slumping to the ground out of sheer sexual exhaustion I began to pant. I looked into my lovers eyes and could tell through their reflection how much that loving had taken out of me. On the ground she took her fingers and swirled them around my chin as she leaned on me against the wall. Running her other hand down her side, she motioned toward her waist. “Baby, I want you to take it all” she said as she pressed harder against me. Grabbing my head and bringing it closer to hers, she said “Just tell me all about those desires that have been hiding back up there in your lovely little heart.” Taking her free hand she brushed it up against my heart and motioned to be unlocking it with some type of invisible key. “All you have to do is say it and it will all be yours. All you have to do is tell me who the first president of the United States was”.
My eyes bulged as I fell back into reality. I stopped gazing across the room at the girl that was putting away her chap stick and looked at my history teacher. “I’m waiting” he said, an annoyed look across his face. “George Washington” I replied, although I knew that George Washington was the last person I was thinking about.
So that's it. So, how great do you think our founding father is?
You definitely proved your friend wrong, what with all the "pistols" and such. 
It's a very creative way to write about an experience that can lean towards gross or grungy, depending on your perspective of the event.