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Unwanted Attention



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Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:29 am
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XXacidicbeautyXX says...



A/N: I own all the characters and the plot. I wrote this chapter once before, but I decided to rewrite it because there were a few mistakes that just didn’t sit well with me. Anyway, Enjoy, and review when you finish reading =]

Chapter 1

Violet was getting desperate. Her friend, Amber, had been gone for about an hour and she still had not called. The last time Violet had talked to her, they had been in her living-room watching a movie. Amber didn’t have much luck convincing Violet that Lance Merrow’s party would be fun. He was hosting the party because his parents were out of town. They were in Aspen, Colorado, to be more specific. That’s usually what happens when your parents are filthy rich. Lance arrived at H.H.S. four months before the present time.

Violet had been invited to the afore-mentioned party, but because she doesn’t like Lance, she thought it best not to show her face. That didn’t mean that she couldn’t get the inside details from Amber. Violet didn't like Lance only because he was the most popular topic among girls.

At that moment, Violet’s phone rang, dragging her back to the present. When she checked the caller I.D., she saw Amber’s number flashing.

“Where are you? Why didn’t you call me?”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. The party’s awesome. Why don’t you come?” Amber shouted over the pounding music.

"Fine, I'll go, but only for a short time. I'd like to see what's so exciting about his parties."

"Really?" Amber inquired, the surprise evident in her tone.

"Yeah. Really. I'll see you in a few minutes."

Violet hung up without saying good-bye. She arranged her black curly hair into something that resembled a hairdo. She realized that her eyebrow ring was missing when she checked her image in the bathroom mirror. She grabbed it from her bedside table, and then entered the bathroom once again. She had on a black top with the words “Out of my mind…I’ll be back in five minutes” printed in pink. A pair of light blue jeans and her purple converse completed the outfit. Her nails were also purple, and she had loads of black eyeliner on.

Violet’s parents are also kind of rich. They are writers who spend most of their time in their home offices writing. She didn’t really need a job, but she decided to get one at her favorite store, Hot Topic. She only worked because, since her parents would give her whatever money she needed, she didn't want to take advantage of them.

Violet exited her bathroom, grabbed her lack leather jacket from her messy bed, and headed towards her black B.M.W. It was one of the few gifts she had accepted from her parents. She drove to Lance’s house, which is about 15 minutes from her house.

She arrived sooner than she would have liked. She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Violet wasn’t the least bit surprised when Lance opened the door (after all, it IS his house). She stared at him for what seemed like hours, but was probably only just a few seconds, and noticed that he had also been doing the same to her. His green eyes were disconcerting.

“Hello, how may I help you?” Lance asked with his British accent, playing the role of host to perfection.

“Cut the crap, Lance. I only came because Amber asked me to.”

“Alright, so come on in.” ‘Really,’ Violet thought, ‘Accents like that should be illegal.’

Violet entered and found Amber right away. She could feel Lance’s eyes on her back.

“Hey Ambs! Can we go somewhere else so I don’t have to see Lance’s face every time I turn around?”

“Yeah, sure, but believe me when I say that you are extremely dense and oblivious,” Amber replied with a sigh, rolling her blue eyes.

All of them attended H.H.S., which was occupied by approximately 300 students. Not a big school by any stretch of the imagination. Most juniors and seniors had been invited, filling the house, which was close to bursting. The song currently playing was a techno song that Violet happened to like. A lot.

When they found a room that wasn’t so full, Violet took off her jacket and began to relax. It was getting kind of warm. With so many bodies, heat was radiating everywhere. Violet sat down on one of the sofas and looked around. Amber had deserted her. She was chatting with Lance’s best friend, Gabriel. ‘What a good friend,’ Violet thought sarcastically.
A few feet away, Lance and Rebekka were grinding away. What they were doing couldn’t possibly be called dancing. Violet looked away, and not even two minutes later, found Lance sitting next to her on the sofa.

“How did you get here so fast?” Violet questioned.

“I walked, of course. How else would I have gotten here?”

Violet didn’t appreciate it when people tried to make her feel dumb.
She replied with a “whatever”, because she couldn’t come up with a better come back at the moment.

An awkward silence, then, “Would you like to dance?”

Violet’s blue-gray eyes widened in surprise.

“Since when have I given off the vibe that I like you?” Violet snapped after regaining her composure.

“Let me think…” Lance’s bright green eyes were lit with amusement, and his index finger was tapping his chin. “…never, but do you still want to dance?”

‘God, he just doesn’t give up,’ Violet thought exasperatedly.

Violet was thinking of an excuse because she didn’t know how to dance, and she didn’t want to embarrass herself in front of all those teenegers.

"I don't really want to," Violet replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

"oh, come on. Please?" She looked uncomfortably at him.
Violet knew that if she said no, he would just continue bothering her. Sighing, she answered with a "Yeah, okay."

He stood up, grabbed her hand, and pulled her to where everyone else was dancing. Another techno song began playing, and they started dancing. Violet noticed that Lance’s hands slipped down to her hips more than once, and every time they did, she would slap them away.

When they got tired of dancing, Lance grabbed Violet’s hand again, this time pulling her to one of the rooms she hadn’t seen when she first entered the house.
Last edited by XXacidicbeautyXX on Fri Jan 11, 2008 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:22 am
kinzygirl223 says...



Very good.
I enjoyed it completely.
I can't wait to see what happens next.
There were a couple spelling mistakes.
Other than that I really didn't notice anything.
  





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Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:53 pm
JabberHut says...



Hello, good person! :D Thought I'd stop by and see what wonderful story you are willing to share with us. :D :twisted:

Amber didn’t have much luck convincing Violet that Lance Merrow’s party would be fun


Lance has only one brother that no one ever sees. Lance arrived at H.H.S. four months before the present time.


Besides the repetition of "Lance," I think this is just random information about him. (a.k.a. info dump) If this is important, tie it into the story a little bit better, even if it means a bit later.

...she thought it best not to show her face [s]around[/s].


Violet’s problem with Lance is the following: because Lance is so gorgeous, all the girls are always talking about him. Violet abhors that, so she totally ignores him.


I don't like 'the following:' part there. This signifies another info dump. Violet didn't like Lance only because he was the most popular topic among girls. Something like that or, again, tie it into the story a bit better. Show, don't tell. :wink:

[s]Right then,[/s] At that moment, Violet’s phone rang, dragging her back to the present.


“Where are you? Why didn’t you call me?” [s]Violet has a rather protective side.[/s]


That was another info dump. The reader can tell what kind of character Violet is by her dialogue and actions.

Violet could hear the music pounding.


Maybe say, "..." Amber shouted over the pounding music.

Violet was curious about what was going on at the party. Make that, EXTREMELY curious.


I'd add this into her last quote. "Fine, I'll go, but only for a short time. I'd like to see what's so exciting about his parties."

She arranged her black curly hair into something that resembled a [s]hair-do[/s] hairdo.


It's actually one word! :D

The only reason she had for working there was that although her parents would happily give her any amount of money, she didn’t want to take it because she believed it would be like taking advantage of them.


You can shorten this significantly. She only worked because, since her parents would give her whatever money she needed, she didn't want to take advantage of them.

She stared at him for what seemed like hours[s], but was probably only just a few seconds[/s], and noticed that he had also been doing the same to her.


Lance asked with his [s]irresistible[/s] British accent,[s](Which was all too resistible to Violet)[/s] playing the role of host to perfection.


Lol, I like this guy. Anyway, remember who's PoV this is. If Violet doesn't think it's irresistible, then don't put it there. The parentheses just added to the word. Delete those and it should be fine. You could have Violet sigh exasperatedly or fold her arms across her chest, looking annoyed. There's different ways to show Violet doesn't care about the British accent...like I do. :wink:

She could feel Lance’s eyes on her back [s]like a physical touch[/s].


That's a bit awkward. ^^;

Amber replied with a sigh, [s]and a[/s] rolling [s]of[/s] her blue eyes.


“I don’t know how to dance.” Violet was horrified, not believing those words had actually escaped from her mouth.


I do believe you said she didn't want to say this. Don't contradict yourself. Have her give up or some other reason. Have her say no uneasily, Lance give a questioning look, and Violet give in when she looked into his eyes. I dunno, something to explain this.

Overall, good story. I think you went into too much detail when explaining Violet's appearance. A black shirt with jeans would have been just fine, unless the words on her shirt will be more important later.

There were a couple wording issues that can easily be solved. Mostly worry about realism. Would this really happen in this instance? Try to make it more believing.

Otherwise, you did pretty good with this. Nice ending--goosebumps are good. :wink: Questoins/comments, you can PM me. I'd be happy to crit your next part.

Keep writing!

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Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:42 pm
Dynamo says...



In one of the first few paragraphs you wrote 'Lance' in every scentence he was mentioned. If you change a few 'Lance's to 'he' or 'him' it'll flow much better, especially so since he's the only guy being mentioned in that paragraph.
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Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:49 am
Titania says...



There are some parts in the story that are info dumps, that (at this point) seem to be unnecessary, like this section:
XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:He was hosting the party because his parents were out of town. They were in Aspen, Colorado, to be more specific. That’s usually what happens when your parents are filthy rich. Lance has only one brother that no one ever sees. Lance arrived at H.H.S. four months before the present time.

The sentences don't flow, and don't seem really relevant to the story. Do we really need to know that his parents were in Aspen? Or that he has a brother that no one ever sees? Also, don't start every sentence with "Lance", there isn't reason to.
The other section was when Violet was getting dressed. You don't really need to go into so much detail by describing what color her nails were, unless it is important.

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:Violet had been invited to the afore-mentioned party, but because she doesn’t like Lance, she thought it best not to show her face around.

Aforementioned is one word, not hyphenated.

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:“Now that, I believe,” Amber replied dryly.


XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:She replied with a “whatever”, because she couldn’t come up with a better come back at the moment.

Comeback is one word, and "come up with a better comeback" sounds strange to me.

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:"oh, come on. Please?" She looked uncomfortably at him.

"Oh" needs to be capitalized.

I do like the ending, can't wait to read what happens next!
  





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Mon Jan 14, 2008 3:29 pm
chucki666 says...



Overall, the story was alright, it could be better thhough.
I agree, you do use Lance way too much.
i have to say that
"Violet noticed that Lance’s hands slipped down to her hips more than once, and every time they did, she would slap them away.'
was my only favorite part, I don't know, she was too dramatic.
Maybe i just don't like dramatic teens in stories like that, otherwise, keep writing, im looking forward to reading more. :]
  








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