isolation: revelations of frail self

Spoiler

@tatiwrites thank you so much!!

iv.

shimmering light \ are you?
i wonder if you sit there in silence like this
the comfort you find, you speak of
& a shimmering light you are in secret
spinning nonstop while no one watches you
what are you doing over there,
in your room?
overhead light off; yet
something still catches brilliantly
through the glass of the window
—is it you?
i think it must be, for you
are a shining pearl, cracked but lovely
a necklace chain dangling, threaded
through keyholes, locked but to peek through
& if i were to get close
& put my eye to the hole
—would i see you?
claiming to know you but
i don't know you in loneliness

& it makes one wonder
who do you think your self is?
who is it really, &
who are you when free
and alone?
dancing in your bedroom as
your pale light glows deeply
more than anyone could ever see
& more than i could possibly imagine

v.

such so surrounded
so surrounded, so quiet in your head
—is it possible to be alone
when so full, outside?—
around you, all the people
are talking talking nodding along
repetitive clanging, no closure
but so much pressure, your
inner voice, shrinking inward
they speak; sparks fly; you are dull and dry
a field only there but to catch such fire

you hold to the silence like
only the absence of something could save you

& maybe it can


as this sanctuary so created
perceptive sensitivity, you hold yourself tightly
shelter yourself from the flames;
inside it is quiet, here
here, you are calm

—for where could your self be
and where could you be yourself
if not wrapped in your own head
pressed between your own palms, &
making yourself secure;
& even with all the voices
you know you can be free; or
find your own freedom
somewhere, in there

(as you can be so surrounded
& still feel so alone)

Spoiler

@cocteau thank you!!!

vi.

sheltered
taking shelter inside
where only you can see you
you've made up your mind
your mind makes it up
imagining anything; it all could be
making something from nothings
(who are we becoming?
i once asked & no one heard;
a question to be answered only in silence
inner acknowledgement of things to be)
to be in your mind; not a soul knows it
—do you even know it?
such imaginative workings
imaginary colors that no one can see
something endearing; something so fake
you've made it all up
let the truth shine through—
for a moment satiated by things you imagine
but that's all it is, only dreamt up
midnight meanderings; you are alone
& isn't it beautiful?
this world you create
only something you can see
so safe, so soothing
the sensitivity you feel reflected
only you can dream, only you
& you no longer feel so alone
—(but isn't this just fantasy?)
but what does it matter when you feel so safe?
conflicting sentiments; which to trust?
—it's nice for a moment, but ultimately
you are alone, and connection is lost

vii.

unconsolable change
i regret so much i can't hold it all
it spills out of my hands & i'm shrinking again
back to my second grade self
(—doomed to be alone)
i scratch myself up every time
& i can't let go of it still
as it slips just barely through my fingers
with such friction, dangling at the edges
too many strings attached; i can't
i can't break free—
caught in this web & alone in it
i watch all my friends walk off
toward their preferred futures, so distant to me;
i am still here on the playground falling
scraping my palms again and again
—am i growing up? or just
regressing back, to the same person i used to be?
i worry every day—
i think i'm growing up but
my friends are growing to other people; or
is it to themselves?
a different version from what my elementary school eyes can see;
i got new glasses recently
with rose colored lenses in the sun but
why are they not working?

where did my friends go?
i ask it over & over
where did my friends go??
i'm screaming it now
WHERE DID MY FRIENDS GO?? &
HOW HAVE I REMAINED HERE??
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME THAT
THEY ALL BECOME SOMEONES & I'M NOT
—WHO THEY WANT??
ANYMORE???

— i fear change; but i
CANNOT stay here;—

HAVE I UNLOCKED IT YET?
DO YOU \SEE\ ME YET??
what have i done?
what have i done here?
what have i done, here, to be so
unknowing/all-knowing i
know too much i can't go back
who are you who am i
who am i to \you\?? (is the most pressing question)

who am i to you...
is that at the root of this issue?

—i try to know in the isolation
but how could that ever unlock your thoughts?

Spoiler

thank you so much @alliyah!

viii.

Are You Connected?
I think the real problem I have with
this school year/with
my classmates/with
teenagers/with
high school/with
my family/with
my friendships/with
the world/with
my country/with
expectations/with
the past/with
the future/with
right now/with
right now/with
right now . . . is

screens/blue light/a constant onslaught
/overstimulation/too many pixels/repetitive noises
/no contact/no contact/all alone
/garbled voices/no skin/teeth showing
/tapping over/clicking picking/selection now
/buying something/buy into it/sell your soul
/false realitites/all expectations/empty empty
/hole inside/see it going/suck it dry
/look look/can't look/must look
/start it again/clicking tapping/shout it all
/speaker feedback/ever loading/ restart NOW


...
l o a d i n g
...


—CLICK!—


Your 21st century life has loaded!
Prepare for an ever-present feeling of dread
And watch as all your relationships
Are streamlined to fit only on screens!
You never have to actually speak
To anyone! (Especially your friends!)
Ever again!
Let the machines
Translate everything for you
Until your voice and image are lost forever
And you forget what it's like to feel real!


...tone...
click!

You have disconnected.


...


"Hello?"


...


"Hello?"

... they're all online.
you are alone.

...
You shouldn't have done that.
Plug back in.
click!

ix.


but what was it really?
& the mind began twisting itself
into something unseen
left alone to think, it
reached into its layers, its recesses
& what it found there
became morphed by thoughts & beliefs
—with no way to tell what was real

til the toying around
brought along new waves of being
—but accuracy was all disregarded
& the neurons were light
with a constructed sense of self
but none knew its potential
or underneath what it could be

& of course none knew what it was, really

x.

Ultimately—we do not know each other
& these secrets separate us
sometimes for protection but
in ultimation we become divided
by them, the unknowing held tight
pushed inward, pushing away
& pushed apart, til we no longer
know each other anymore, &
that unknowing draws out the worst in us

the worst in us drawn out
as these secrets separate us
we have become divided, ultimately
and no longer know each other
pushed in and away
by them, tightly held
for protection sometimes
til we are apart

we do not know each other anymore
—but is it for our own protection?
we are pushed in and held away
still tightly, in the unknowing
while the worst in us unravels
and we are apart, no longer
together, now we are divided
by these secrets separating us

& it's for our own protection
unknowing holding us tightly
secrets separating us from
being pushed together, held away
the ultimate division, us of now
apart and no longer united
unraveling to the worst
as we do not know each other, anymore

(ignore the poor image quality, this was taken on my computer)

xi.

they need nothing




Text version enspoilered below:

Spoiler

they want us
something to do
Remember the rest fail.

left
After a moment
after You didn't say anything
they read your mind
know the disturbance

they may need us
There are too few
in the end,
it won't even matter.

xii.


Morning Solitude
Calm blue mornings
Light & dusted
Birds chirp in the stillness
—Nice to have a moment
Nice to hold it so
Post-sunset, in the light appearing
Detecting cloud wisps
& future conversations
—But now is the quiet
The breath of the day
Deep inhale, no commotion
Only self
& birds
& clouds
& mountains
& air
& stillness

To pause
Thank the absense
& the presence
& the now
for lasting beginning

Spoiler

Most of my poems to start off this thread were longer, more complex, more detailed, and just all-around better, but now they've grown quite short and simplified.
I feel like if I spent more time on this one in the future, I could turn it into something nice, though.

xiii.


true Home & learning to be free
when the solitude is comfort
& the best moment you could ever find
—a moment of breathing freedom
air rich and life-giving
strengthful, deep exhale
out the window to the post
grounded, joining dirt & grass
weeds creeping up on brick-lined sills
purple flowers flourish
natural decoration, safe haven
only you & the world,
Nature as guidance, refuge
Home—&
you are in the best world
unbounded, released
to think, & to breathe
by yourself, unconstrained

out of contact with true others
come to soil & sagebrush
dust particles catching the daylight
—Nature will always care for you
& find you, & hold you
even when letting you go
—even when setting you free

Spoiler

officially this poem is numbered 13-and-a-half, but if you count up all the poems total i've written in this thread for this month you'll get 15. the halves are not really halves of poems, they're just short poems that i numbered as halves because i wanted my table of contents to look wavy.

xiiis. (equivalent to 13 and a half in roman numerals)

learning from loneliness
there is something to be found in isolation
whether pieces of the self, or
thoughts on others
perhaps perceptions, conceptions
previously unknown
but there is always something
& some things you learn
as you learn to navigate this life
& keep going, & are alone