The Unsinkable Disaster Mind giving me a review? I want some feedback
“You know a conjurer gets no credit when once he has explained his trick, and if I show you too much of my method of working, you will come to the conclusion that I am a very ordinary individual after all.”
Hi! Chapter two is now finished! Mind giving a review? Thanks!
“You know a conjurer gets no credit when once he has explained his trick, and if I show you too much of my method of working, you will come to the conclusion that I am a very ordinary individual after all.”
Hello! Just here to ask if you could review my play It's a little lengthy (what's posted is only scenes 1-3 of 20) but I really want feedback because it's my first.
You clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in: I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks! -Walter White
I will do my best to get you a review in the next couple of days. It might take me a bit longer, as I'm a little behind on some other novels. Hope you don't mind the wait!
In Truth Unity, In Doubt Liberty, In all things Charity.
Hi ! heres a part of a public novel I am writing about the sun god helios in greek mythology! I would love tyour opinion on how it could be bettered, how it looks and etc thank you!:)
The Sun God Chapter 1
Six hours past midnight I woke up from my slumber. I rubbed my eyes and looked around me, On my chest was spread out the long black hair of a blue skinned beautiful nymph that slept with her arms wrapped around my torso, Poseidon had sent her to my palace as messenger about one of his games taking place soon . I thought she was exquisite and persuaded her to stay; One cup of nectar had led to another and bang. I tapped her slightly on her shoulder to wake her up, she opened her eyes slowly and tilted her head to meet my golden gaze, a smile opened on her beautiful face “Good morning lord” she said “ I have to get up now “ I said “ “ Oh no my love “tightened her arms around my chest and closed her eyes
“ the sun is not even up yet ” I laughed loud “ exactly" . I never get tired of waking up at this hour but for the first one thousand years it can be quite repetitive. My bed room is a size greater than most palaces of human royalty, a high domed ceiling that draped blue sashes from the ceiling with stars on them, and the walls of my palace bedroom was solid black marble but engraved with golden designs, some designs tales of my stories that human tribes had told each other since the beginning of a civilization, other just random paintings I had drew. My bed cover was plush purple as well, a gift from one of the muses but I can’t remember which on, after the first seven it gets kind of hard remembering which is which . I gently pushed the barely awake nymph to the side , promised I would be back and got out of the bed with heavy footsteps that echoed in the rooms in hallways, I stretched my long arms one last time and teleported to my bathing pool. I could’ve just as easily skipped this portion of my daily routine and made myself magically clean but sometimes I feel having limitless god powers takes the fun out of everything. My Bathing pool was a geyser on the edge of a mountain in the far eastern hemisphere where my golden palace was located, it was built into the edge of the mountain at point high enough that it overlooked the entire world, talk about bird’s eye view. Although the real estate wouldn’t have mattered, part of being a sun god was the power of all seeing eyes so most of what I saw from there could’ve seen from my bed room. As I bathed in the cool pool i wondered on what I was going to do for the day after work, Hephaestus had invited me to his forges for a game of running… I don’t know how that was going to function with somebody who lacks use of the main components you need to I thought with a smirk, Poseidon was holding a mini war game between his whales in his kingdom so that could serve as some excitement, but then there was that village in thebes that had prayed to him for there to grow again, the offering they gave was actually pretty tasty so I figured I might pay them a visit and make their whole garden bountiful of fruit and vegetables, bless one of their sons with luck in war or something along the lines of that. As he spread out relaxed in the pool he opened his right hand a flask of mango juice appeared in his hand, he drunk it with great fevor and licked my lips at the taste. God Demeter is a wonder with her nectar and wines” I said to myself. And took another sip “ I wonder what does she taste like” , my mind reminiscing over her earth tone hair and her voluptuous figure, I hadn’t seen her since the whole kidnapping persophone thing that hades had done. I grimaced to myself in memory of the crops and plantations that a went dry and the tribes that starved of hunger because of the anger of the harvest goddess. After I bathed and lounged in my pool for a couple of minutes I stood up and disappeared and reappeared in chariot room, a solid gold cave like a room the size of a Olympic stadium with a roofless top and a entrance with giant soldie doors. My chariot stood in the middle of the room with my assistant and steeds already there waiting for me. The golden light shining from it was enough to light up the whole arena like room and shined out the exiting shut in the roof. Attached to it by reins as thick as tree trunks were four gigantic red orange steeds with mains of curling and whipping flame. Right now they stood calmly waiting for my arrival, once they were aware that I was there they started nickering softly and clicking there hooves. I smiled at them, conjured a couple of apples like always and threw it at them to divide amongst themselves. As they ate the luscious apples greedily I walked up to the side of the chariot which remained so clear that I could see my reflection in it. “good morning my lord” my assistant said brightly with a sly smile on his feral face “ how was your nymph- I mean night ?” I laughed loud My assistant happened to be a son of hermes named Pan with a sense of wit that rivaled his father, that I was babysitting at the moment for a few years, he appeared to be a satyr, with the goat hooves for the lower half of his body and ivory horns on his head and all; he also possessed the budding powers of a God and was just now learning to control them. “It went by smoothly for me and her “I said with a wink “ she got to rise with sun In a way few have ever known” Pan grinned even more wide “ I doubt that my lord” and stepped into the chariot and closed the little door at the back of it. He ran his hands all over r the golden material that formed the chariot, thinking about the day head of him” sooooo when are you to let me drive this thing by myself?” pan said eagerly” when you can radiate and manifest the light that lifts mortals out of there bed, gives life to there crops, and that makes the budding astronomers play with there toys” Helios responded. “ by radiant light you mean stomach flatulence I have plenty of that” pan said before laughing and walking to the exit of the arena back to his chambers. Helios smiled after him as he left, “I think out of all my assistants up until this point he is my favorite “ he said to horses, “what do you guys think?” his horses neighed an answer that he swore sounded like ” he smells of pine trees and forest nymphs”. Although Helios approved of his company he didn’t expect to have pan for much longer, even though he loved his company he already was aware that pan was to become a mighty god of the wild life and forests, and being that it probably required him living in his own kingdom with the lush wildlife and not on a mountain palace at the edge of the world his company wouldn’t be ever present. “Alright my beauties! Let’s go “he yelled to the horses attached to his chariot, grabbed the black reins thst wrapped around there body an hung the chariot and cracked them hard the horses neighed hard and ran forward building speed they approached the other side of the doom shaped roofless stables. Helios strongly pulled the reins down to his hips and the horses pulled up sharply, riding into the air dragging the sun chariot along with them. As the bright chariot passed the ceiling, Helios saw with his all-seeing vision the eastern side of the world beginning to light up, he saw training camps with soldiers in there beds start to stir in their sleep, he saw cheating husbands and wives sneak from there hidden lovers homes at night on, he even saw the flowers seeming to reach from the ground to the sky with pedals like open palms hungry for the Suns touch….to be continued
I would love to review this. From what I can see, it would be quite the fascinating read.
Unfortunately, I can't review it right in this thread. What you need to do in order to get reviews on your literary works, is to post them as literary works! If you don't know how to go about this, then feel free to PM me and I'll help you through it as best I can. Let me know.
In Truth Unity, In Doubt Liberty, In all things Charity.
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