Young Writers Society

Greatest Hits

Even as I fear that a soundtrack to life is a cliché desire
I wonder what our song would be and if this scene of life
will deserve several tracks on my CD. Maybe I’ll release
volumes one through ninety-five of my greatest hits so
every year of life has ample room for expression.
I have a feeling sixteen will be introspective songs with
stunning lyrics tempered by a dose of party tunes and
one heartfelt ballad so I can look back and know
in retrospect that ours really should have been
something beautifully young and unstoppable.

comments/suggestions?

Good. Not really a poem, not really a story, which is why I suspect you placed it here.

I liked this, describing your life through CD format. It's a good metaphor that comes across well as everyone can relate to it.

I definitely agree with Brian. Its good, and the metaphor (or is that analogy?) is excellent. It does, however, have some niggly bits;

Even as I fear that a soundtrack to life is a cliché desire
I wonder what our song would be and if this scene of life
will deserve several tracks on my CD.

I'd change the second 'life' or even remove 'of life' altogether - its unnecessary and it spoils the flow.

Maybe I’ll release
volumes one through ninety-five of my greatest hits so
every year of life has ample room for expression.

Beautiful.

I have a feeling sixteen will be introspective songs with
stunning lyrics tempered by a dose of party tunes and
one heartfelt ballad so I can look back and know
in retrospect that ours really should have been
something beautifully young and unstoppable.

Ending kind of fizzles there, although the rest of that section is stupendous. Perhaps putting 'unstoppable' on another line might work - not sure. It needs a stronger, more final ending. Something punchy, lol. But its still a neat little...thing (poem? story? paragraph? not sure what to call it hehe). I like it.

As Brian said, it's not really a story or a poem, but a mix. The idea of being able to chronicle your life into a CD is genius. I really liked this poem, and I don't have any constructive criticism, just praise for something so short and so beautiful. Most poets have a hard time making something beautiful short. And whether your really meant for it to be that way, I know not. I only know that I liked this poem, it was both short and powerful, and it touched me in a way that only one or two other writers have (on this site).

If Incandescence liked it it MUST be good...*lol* I thought it was a great idea, the poem/story mix. No crit here!

Very interesting, and a great idea. I think it could have been delivered a bit better, but I can't think of any suggestions at the minute. The thing I didn;t like was it just seemed like a paragraph formated into small margins, not like a poem. There isn't really any need for the different lines, if you see what I mean. But it was good nonetheless.

first thanks for all the responses.

i agree with the comment about using life twice at thebeginning but when i try it without it doesn't seem clear enough and i prefer to be clear. it was something i tried repeatedly to fix when i orginally wrote and edited it. i want to be able to come up with something for it but i just can't.

as for the fizzling ending i do see your point but at the same time i kinda want it too fizzle because that's how i felt about the idea when i wrote it. liek it's this really great thign but it woudl be flawed and it could never work never do anyhting justice. so it was kinda a bright light that did fizzle. but like i said i do see the point stylistically and i will consider it yet i'll be honest that i'm am reluctant to play with it too much cause it was a very inspired sorta piece that wrote itself practically and i'm afraid i'd ruin it. silly i know but all the same.

and i'm toally on the same page with you guys about what is it. it's just when i wrote it i loved it and i didn't know what to do with it so i tried to break it up into a semi poetry format and tried to make the ends of the lines somethign that will quickly carry the reader into the next line because i want it all to flow together as a single idea.

and i mean for everyhting of mine to be short. it's my aim in general to write something as strongly, beautifully and shortly as possible all at the same time. which means that i have a lot of really bad poetry and writing because i find that's not easy.

again thanks for all your comments and suggestions.