Young Writers Society

Sat by a sleeping man and gestured toward his hands, said
nothing, closed them around a handful of water chestnuts and
waited for the familiarity of my skin to float on the surface of his pale
blue eyes-- they searched mine, didn't find much except maybe
the faint recognition of my smile and how I
Woke up one morning to watch the fog hang over
the river, appearing and disappearing and just as quietly
wondered how it'd feel to become a figment of one's lonely
imagination-- traced the creases of his hands and
supposed it had already been done.

Wow, this is amazing... The way the lines are all a bit disconnected totally emphasizes the topic of the poem. Really beautiful. I particularly loved
"wondered how it'd feel to become a figment of one's lonely
imagination-- traced the creases of his hands and
supposed it had already been done"
I thought those lines were really insightful and just, sort of, perfect. I loved the use of comas as well because it really forced you to pause and look beyond what was being said.
I know this isn't really very helpful, but I have no criticism!

Loved it, I'm a fan

This is REALLY good. It's like, actually a really beautiful poem. My only thing is that there are a few vague antecedents, and I mean the reader will get it, but it kind of disrupts the flow. Like here:
...it'd feel to become a figment of one's lonely
imagination-- traced the creases of his hands and
supposed it had already been done.
Even though I know "it" refers to becoming a figment of..., grammatically it would refer to tracing the creases of his hands. But I see that if you repeated the subject twice it would sound to repetitive, but that can be fixed just by changing around the word order. Also, after blue eyes, instead of a dash, I would use a colon, but I guess it doesn't really matter.
Another thing is that your lines aren't parallel, you need to either separate different verb tenses with a new subject, make them in the same form, or keep the same pattern going (I'm not sure if this is accurate, but I know it's not parallel). Here:
...appearing and disappearing and just as quietly
wondered...
It should be ...and just as quietly, *I* wondered... or ...appearing and disappearing, just as quietly wondering....

And this part (I think this also has to do with parallelism because of something to do with the next part 'and how I', but I'm not really sure. I think it's just an incomplete sentence"):
they searched mine, didn't find
Instead of didn't find, I think it should be 'finding little except' or 'not finding much'.
The fact that it's one giant sentence makes it kind of tricky, so I think that's the problem.

OK-- besides all that, this is an EXCELLENT poem. I mean, the grammar doesn't (sort of) change the meaning or the way you showed the emotion, which is the most important part. It's really insightful and unique. The way you kind of described everything in regard of the reflections in his eye was really amazing and different.
this part is my favorite:
Woke up one morning to watch the fog hang over
the river, appearing and disappearing and just as quietly
wondered how it'd feel to become a figment of one's lonely
imagination-- traced the creases of his hands and
supposed it had already been done.

I absolutely LOVED this

Hiya!

I like your work very much!

The narration and explanation is very well written which makes it such a great poem. The verse seems a little far with each other, but you kept them in tact by breaking them apart. Good work!

Hoping for your best,
Al