Thunderstorms at the Beach

The sky is gray, overcast with clouds.
the air is salty and damp; there is a cool breeze
which hits your arms as you sit alone on the beach
(drinking a can of ice-cold cola). This is your favorite
place to be on days like this. When the weather's hot and sunny
it's too crowded--then you can't think or enjoy yourself.
You feel a raindrop on your arm, and soon the rain
picks up and thunder begins to roll.
But it's summer; the rain is warm, so you won't freeze.
You love this place dearly, especially on a rainy day.

{revision of an early NaPo poem}

Hi!
I like the basic idea of this poem, and I didn't notice anything wrong with your grammar, which is good Your descriptions involve sight, hearing, touch, taste and even smell a little bit, which is really excellent!
The only thing I would suggest would be to add a bit more meaning to the poem. It is a little too simple, just describing one situation. I think it would be more interesting if there was some sort of memory or dream involved with sitting at the beach, rather than it just being your favorite place to be.
That's just me though If this is how you wanted to be then keep it this way

-pigeon

Very nice Elinor! I normally like storms for some weird reason. I like the sensory language you used.

Elinor Brynn wrote:But it's summer; the rain is warm, so you won't freeze.
You love this place dearly, especially on a rainy day.

This is my favorite part. Keep writing!
~Ladypurple.

Hi, Elinor!

This piece isn't bad. You've got no problems with grammar, the punctuation is fine, the flow is smooth. My issue comes from the poem's overall lack of impact in any way. Firstly, the scene depicted here is mundane, which isn't the problem at all--it's the fact that your description is mundane as well. You use a lot of very common adjectives: damp and salty, overcast, cool breeze, hot and sunny weather, etc. Adjectives can sometimes be a writer's enemy--my advice is, use adjectives sparingly, which will instead drive you to using stronger, more original verbs and/or nouns.

Secondly, there's not much meaning behind the poem. I don't need a whole story or some deep personal theme, but currently the piece is just a brief image of a lazy summer day. Reading the poem was something like lounging around on an empty summer afternoon: pleasant, but ultimately leaving me somewhat unfulfilled.

Here's a single nitpick: I think the phrase included in parentheses is unnecessary and can be scrapped.

I don't mean to sound too harsh, because this piece really is pretty good, but I think you can make it even better!

Hey Elinor Brynn!

I like the main idea of this poem but it wasn't written to the best of your abilities. It really needs to be rewritten or extending in a few areas. I do like this poem but the poem itself was disappointing. Some ideas that maybe you should do are describe what the day is like. Is it busy despite the rain? Why is it his favourite place? Make some more reference to the person and the day and the beach. At first glance, it is just a blob or writing. Try break it into stanzas to make it flow better. There really isn't much punctuation use here which takes away a bit of the feel of the entire poem. The entire poem is really only made of three or four lines. Try expand on it-this will definitely make it better.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Hey Elinor,

The sky is gray, overcast with clouds.

This opening line almost had me groaning it was so average. It just wasn't a great start! Ordinary imagery, overworn phrasing, repetition of points (if the sky is grey, we know it's overcast).

blackbird I think made some important critiques for you to consider. This is trong in terms of flow and grammar, but poor in terms of meaning. I disagree with blackbird that images had to be exciting: some poets can pull off mundane scenes, but only if there's a reason for it, an extra meaning, a further comprehension. Here (unless I'm very much mistaken) this is pretty straightforward, take-it-as-it-is territory, and that's a shame, because I wanted to understand the narrator more, I wondered about her feelings but was never really given a chance to break into her head beyond a collection of familiar phrasings.

Not bad! Good luck with any revisions.

Cheers,

Jack.

Hi, Pepper,

It's good to see that your poetry has come ways stylistically! Your formatting isn't terrible here, but for the length of your lines, I think that this could use a fair bit of reworking on a few points.

I felt that your description could use a makeover, because the words that you're using to describe this setting are the words that we think of this is in -- gray clouds, salty, damp air, all of these are the words we would choose first to describe this setting in conversation, dear, and because of that, your poem is lacking a certain allure for me; I think that in order to make this more unique and attractive for your audience, you should use a more colorful variation of words and play on the lines stand better on their own.

Be careful with how your structure your poem and its lines, too. Structure really is just an extension of what you're saying, and it should aid your poem. Here... I'm not sure if that's quite working out, because your lines are so calm and relaxed! I think you can dramatize the overall effect of this poem if you rethink the way you lay it, Pepper, because the way you have it here, all in one stanza, makes it feel like the tone of it is monotonous, and that's making it fall on the boring side of things.

Also, you told us why you can't enjoy yourself on days when it's sunny; why not tell us a bit of what makes the overcast days so enjoyable?

A bit of tweaking could really improve this. Thanks for sharing!

June