The Possibility Of Fireflies

I sit on my front stoop
Listening to the sounds
Of the night

Alone outside with all my frights
Just me and who I could be
Locked out of the house

Out of my mothers life
I've tried to break in
But her walls are strong
And aren't ready to collapse

A light glows in front of me
Then it slowly recedes
Back into the dark
The light of my mothers dyeing heart

The fireflies are out
Brightening the blackness
That pours out in front of me

The freshly mowed grass
Air fresh with honeysuckle
Trillions of fireflies dance

But then they all scatter
Leaving me isolated
Like my mother is leaving me now

Then the first chirp of crickets
Make music in my ears
The noises of the night
Melt away all my fears

The flash of hope scatters
As the sound of tires kill the song
The monster is home drunk as ever

I want to hide
Turn inside out
Melt away without a sound

I want to cry
but she's made me strong
Strong enough to fight her now

I get up and walk to her
The one who has ruined the music
Music of my heart that used to sing

I turn away and don't look back
Hoping to leave her in my tracks

It's so hard to leave the one
Who used to care
But there is an endless possibility
Of where i'll end up
The possibility of fireflies

Hey there KAH!
It's a little short, but that's okay, I have a few quick tips though.

A light pops in front of me
Then it slowly recedes
Back into the dark

Hmm...pops doesn't really work here, it kind of ruins the flow a little, and makes it sound a tad childish. Maybe try appeared?

Then the first chirp of crickets
Make music in my ears
The noises of the night

Melt away all my fears

See you don't rhyme at all in the rest of the poem, so tossing this rhyme at the end of the poem kind of throws it off.

Yay for poems about summer nights!

Hi!

So, I don't know what to think of this poem right now. To me, it seems like an outline of something that could be much, much better.

Well, first off, you need to work on your imagery/description. You've set this poem in an amazing place, yet we know so little about it that it doesn't have to cool, mystical effect that it should have. You mention noises. Well, what do the noises sound like? You just describe summer scenes and then talk about the night-noises. If we knew what they were, it would help the reader understand this a little bit more about this scene.

The second thing about your description I wanted to to mention is the imagery you use to describe the summer scenes. It's very flat and tell-y. When your narrator sees fireflies, is she surprised? Enchanted? What does she think of them? Show the kind of light they make. Is it dim? How many fireflies are there?

Your ending was also a little bit of a jolt; It's like you were trying to squeeze in a story at the very end, and it doesn't have the effect that it should have. Maybe you expanded upon why the narrator is sad and why she's crying it would be a bit better. Right now it's kind of just like, "wait, what?"

Since your poem is about atmosphere, I recommend that you really take advantage of that. Really show us where your narrator is so we can imagine that we're there right along with her. Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo

A good attempt, but you sink yourself with too many unnecessary words... and some poor word choices. I think its too long, you should condense, or focus on things that are actually interesting. Instead of using outrageous exaggerations try extending the metaphor. In the first part of the poem you are locked out of the house, which is your mother. Okay if your mother is the house then... there are so many other places you could go with that but you abandon it in favor of this:

I want to cry / but she's made me strong / Strong enough to fight her now

seriously. no. no no no no no. One of my policies when I write is...if I'm going to mention crying... I dont. Its like a cop-out. Like having your character smoke cigarettes.

Bring back the metaphor, you've got plenty of images, some of them work, keep those, the rest is history.

best,