Red Balloon

Just a quick point - "saphire" should be "sapphire." It's one of those weird words I can never spell correctly lol.

I borrow lines frequently from other poets. My teachers say it is allusion. I always put the lines in italic.

Feh... this is quite old, I hoped no one would bring it up again; I'm a bit embarassed by it. It's pretty childish... I hope my writing's somewhat more mature now. If I've improved I owe it to YWS.

Ever heard the song "99 Red Balloons"? It was originally in German but I think the band Goldfinger covered it quite well. Your poem really reminds of that song.

Fireweed wrote:A red balloon came drifting by,
floating free through the saphire sky.
The chickadees chirp,
The turtledoves croon,
"Where are you off to, red balloon?"

I love that verse, simply because it rhymes and rhyming poems are a favorite of mine, even though I've never been able to write them myself.

Fireweed wrote:past ruby red sunsets and emerald green seas,

I think this line detail wise is rather cliche. That and I think having two descriptions having to do with gems in the same line is a bit repetitive and seemed too forced about sounding pretty and descriptive.

Fireweed wrote:East of the sun and west of the moon,
East of the sun and west of the moon.

I like repetition in my poetry, but this seemed unneeded. The poem sounds fine if you only say this line once instead of twice between verses.

All in all I really liked this poem. And I reccomend that you listen to the song "99 Red Balloons" it doesn't matter if you listen to the German or English version, both are good. Actually, I read this poem because of the similar title between this work and that song.

By the way, thanks for welcoming me. And I think its cool that you live in Alaska. Both literally and figurtively.

LUNA

Thanks for your crit.

I heard the song recently, it's pretty cool. The version I heard was in english, with one part in german. The german part sounds so cool...

I JUST got your Alaska joke(I'm kind of slow at times). Lol, Alaska's not as cold as people think, not where I live, anyway. It can get pretty chilly, I guess, but I do NOT live in an igloo. Or ride polar bears to school.

wow. it's really good. i wish i had something more than that to say, but i really just loved it. i thought the lenghth was perfect and that the content was really original. keep it up : )

Fireweed wrote:Thanks for your crit.
I JUST got your Alaska joke(I'm kind of slow at times). Lol, Alaska's not as cold as people think, not where I live, anyway. It can get pretty chilly, I guess, but I do NOT live in an igloo. Or ride polar bears to school.

i have a friend whos mother dragged her to alaska after a boyfriend. she came back and pretty much everybody asked her if she lived in an igloo and/or had a pet penguin. she was telling me this and with a perfectly straight face i asked her, 'did you have a pet penguin?' she almost punched me.