Young Writers Society

the sky is collapsing in polychromatic droplets
staining my hair with the glitter from your aurulent wings
and i slip and fall at your knees

my clothes are dripping with excitement
this undeserved proximity makes my eyes water
dazzled as your light breaks through spring clouds

i feel so small against the beauty of a goddess
she smiles, holds my hand, and throws me through
dissolving granite fog and everything is clear again

i sprint in the wind, and it ignores my infectious grin
my hair is itching my eyes but they're already swollen
and the soles of my feet are bloody from the chase

heaven is falling in front of me, the angels are singing
but where are you, oh sweet one? i'm blinded, i'm hidden
from your fragile glances, from your subtle breakthroughs

come to me, for darkness shall shroud me and i shall wither
unless you whisper from the barrel of the waiting gun
aiming at my skull, and douse the powder, douse the pain

but i know, i know, i'll find you in the neverending maze of summer
in crimson strawberry juices and flirtatious holiday partygirls
and the dark corner of my heart will break into a thousand pieces

and i'll never look you in the eye again.

OMG...that's the only thought that comes to mind mind after some very prolonged moments of speechlessness. This...ah...you talent...there is nothing I could say that would compare. It's so full of such feeling. I am at a loss of words, and when I regain that fuction I will promptly give you more to think on than these words.

CL

Wow, thanks.

the sky is collapsing in polychromatic droplets chromatic, i thought scales for a second.. lol
staining my hair with the glitter from your aurulent wings glitter?
and i slip and fall at your knees

my clothes are dripping with excitement
this undeserved proximity makes my eyes water
dazzled as your light breaks through spring clouds not sure I like this stanza... doesn't quite seem right

i feel so small against the beauty of a goddess
she smiles, holds my hand, and throws me through
dissolving granite fog and everything is clear again over elobration.. not over-done, I don't think makes it work

i sprint in the wind, and it ignores my infectious grin
my hair is itching my eyes but they're already swollen
and the soles of my feet are bloody from the chase oh, i like this

heaven is falling in front of me, the angels are singing
but where are you, oh sweet one? oh sweet one? not sure that works well i'm blinded, i'm hidden
from your fragile glances, from your subtle breakthroughs

come to me, for darkness shall shroud me and i shall wither I personally don't like come to me to start this stanza.. but oh gah, it works at the same time
unless you whisper from the barrel of the waiting gun
aiming at my skull, and douse the powder, douse the pain whoa...all I can say, really

but i know, i know, i'll find you in the neverending maze of summer
in crimson strawberry juices and flirtatious holiday partygirls
and the dark corner of my heart will break into a thousand pieces

and i'll never look you in the eye again.

Darn you and being so good with poetry! You've truned my critiques into me saying how much I like everything. unless I start to really nitpick.

wow that is amazing, you decribed it so well, I could never do a poem like that! You're only going to get praised!!

Thanks Mesh, Emma. Mesh, your suggestions are nitpicky already....hee. What do you mean when you talked about over-elobaration?

huh, i thought i had commented on this.

it was pretty and intelligent and very well written, without seeming forced or contrived.

perhaps some descriptions were too much (the first two lines, good language but maybe just one of the words, pick polychromatic or aurulent,both seems too much).

but yeah, i really liked it.

Firestarter! Hello! I see you've become quite the poet in my absence...

My overall impression of this poem is, for starters, WOW. And then again, WOW. It glitters. Its pretty and it has style. Still, I agree with what Chanson says; there are some parts that are a bit overdone.

the sky is collapsing in polychromatic droplets
staining my hair with the glitter from your aurulent wings
and i slip and fall at your knees

Personally, 'polychromatic' is great and all but its long and its hard to say and it chops up the rhythm of the poem before its really gotten started. If I were you I'd choose something else. And I dont like aurulent. Sorry. It just...sounds nasty, LOL!

my clothes are dripping with excitement
this undeserved proximity makes my eyes water
dazzled as your light breaks through spring clouds

I love this stanza.

i feel so small against the beauty of a goddess
she smiles, holds my hand, and throws me through
dissolving granite fog and everything is clear again

Huh...bit confused here. I'd continue the idea of 'goddess' instead of going on to this..granite...thing. 'everything is clear again' links in with the previous stanza about spring clouds but 'granite fog' is out of place IMHO.

i sprint in the wind, and it ignores my infectious grin
my hair is itching my eyes but they're already swollen
and the soles of my feet are bloody from the chase

The last line of this stanza is great, but the first two are...obscure. Not my favourite stanza. There doesnt seem to be enough syllables in the second line, and are you sure about 'infectious'? Think about this one.

heaven is falling in front of me, the angels are singing
but where are you, oh sweet one? i'm blinded, i'm hidden
from your fragile glances, from your subtle breakthroughs

How do you do that? Somehow I get the impression that the poem rhymes and yet it doesnt. Weird. Clever. Anyway, this is a good stanza, but like Meshugenah said, 'oh sweet one?' doesnt fit properly.

come to me, for darkness shall shroud me and i shall wither
unless you whisper from the barrel of the waiting gun
aiming at my skull, and douse the powder, douse the pain

Incredible stanza. The transition to the part about the gun is kinda abrupt, but its still awesome.

but i know, i know, i'll find you in the neverending maze of summer
in crimson strawberry juices and flirtatious holiday partygirls
and the dark corner of my heart will break into a thousand pieces

I'd change 'partygirls'. It doesnt fit. Otherwise, awesome - again.

and i'll never look you in the eye again.

Bravissimo! A great ending. Somehow I get the feeling it could use a little more impact, but I'm at loss to tell you why or how.

A great piece. You're certainly developing your talent well. Kudos!

You use too much pretentious words. I know it is tempting to look through the dictionary and use every word that you see which is longer than 14 syllables, but it is incredibly distracting to the reader. A poem should be must be beautiful as opposed to beautious.

Happy for the day when I've got some real crits on a poem!

Snoink, I know it is tempting to put across a very arrogant persona on the internet, but to be honest, I largely ignore what people say when they're rude. I didn't use a dictionary on this, apologies if you had to. As other people have said, some of the words don't fit, and I'm willing to change them. You don't have to say it in a way which sounds like you believe you know-it-all. Thanks all the same.

so I promised you a real constructive crit...well I'm working on it working on it. I'll post it some time tomorrow morning.

CL

Jack, this is brilliant. I love the long words, I love the detail, I love the "my clothes are dripping with excitement" part- i love everything. this is a fikkin amazing poem, you should be proud of yourself- go you!

Oh, Jack, this is beautiful.

the sky is collapsing in polychromatic droplets
staining my hair with the glitter from your aurulent wings
and i slip and fall at your knees

This stansa gets better every time I reread it... I love the imagery of the rain. Well, I hope that's rain, otherwise I'm really stupid...LOL...

my clothes are dripping with excitement
this undeserved proximity makes my eyes water
dazzled as your light breaks through spring clouds

"undeserved proximity" is so sweet.

i feel so small against the beauty of a goddess
she smiles, holds my hand, and throws me through
dissolving granite fog and everything is clear again

Yeah... if "i feel so small against the beauty of a goddess" isn't a heart-melter, I don't know what is.

i sprint in the wind, and it ignores my infectious grin
my hair is itching my eyes but they're already swollen
and the soles of my feet are bloody from the chase

This is a great stanza, especially the first and last lines.

heaven is falling in front of me, the angels are singing
but where are you, oh sweet one? i'm blinded, i'm hidden
from your fragile glances, from your subtle breakthroughs

Not too sure about "oh sweet one" but I do like the first line a lot. I suppose it's slightly cliched, but it's written so I can't help but like it.

come to me, for darkness shall shroud me and i shall wither
unless you whisper from the barrel of the waiting gun
aiming at my skull, and douse the powder, douse the pain

Whoa.

but i know, i know, i'll find you in the neverending maze of summer
in crimson strawberry juices and flirtatious holiday partygirls
and the dark corner of my heart will break into a thousand pieces

and i'll never look you in the eye again.

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Great job, Jack.

this was a very beautifull poem jack, really, really good job, i like the way the poem fit together, it was nice