Young Writers Society

Empty

i walk alone in the thoughts of dispear
i feel nothing,no pain,no fear
i am empty inside

the lands that surround me
there is nothing but me
this land is empty

people near me
no people
only me, the earth is empty


sory it is so rubbishbut it is from off the top of my head

Well, I guess it's cool to be "off the top" of your head. However, in the first line...did you mean "dispair?" I liked the first stanza. It sounds a lot like it would be a song.

Hey rachel. Thanks for your review of my poem, "Only Human". Thought I'd check out some of your work

For something off the top of your head, this isnt so bad. I mean, sure, it needs a lot of work, but it has potential.

i walk alone in the thoughts of dispear
i feel nothing, no pain, no fear
i am empty inside

I particularly like this verse. The last line sums it up perfectly. You might want to revise 'dispear' to read 'despair' though. Heh.

the lands that surround me
there is nothing but me
this land is empty

people near me
no people
only me, the earth is empty

The rest is kind of confusing. You repeat 'empty' too much, I think. Also, instead of repeating the technique of your first verse, try to branch out and describe yourself, the empty feeling, etc. You could use images like droplets of water rolling down the inside of a glass and pooling at the bottom to reflect the way your thoughts settle or something. We want to know the way it feels- thats what poetry is really about. Look inward- so far, this poem is too focused on the outside. There is no emotion so it seems cliche. Hope I've been helpful

Heehee! This poem has good imigary! But if I were you, I would capitilize your "i"s. Makes it sound more poemish! Great work though!

~Lollipop~

great job, this story describes how i fell sometimes, all alone in the empty careless world, anyway awsome poem.