Effervesce

I was experimenting with structure here, and the result was something very...odd. Unfortunately the forum wont let me post it like it's intended to be written - it reads better when you can see the proper structure. Oh well. I still like it; particularly the title, LOL. I am now addicted to the word; I use it in every other sentence. Dont you think its lovely? Effervesce...It just SOUNDS like bubbles.

Effervesce

God breathed
And I squished,
struggled,
and squirmed
My way into Being.
I was perfect
I was without beginning
and without end
Borne on a lift of breeze
Drifting for untold ages
Inside me, I contained the world
And was myself contained
I was invisible
I was all that is
And then
God breathed
And I was shattered
As if I
had never been.

very nice, but I think if you wanted, you could combine some of the lines.Here's kinda an example.Before it was kinda too spread out, and you have too many ands, I think, but it sounds great, you really have something there!

God breathed
And I squished,struggled,and squirmed
My way into Being.
I was perfect,
I was without beginning and without end
Borne on a lift of breeze
Drifting for untold ages
Inside me, I contained the world
And was myself contained
I was invisible
I was all that is
And then God breathed
I was shattered.
As if I had never been.

I really liked this; the poem is just... cool. It's cool to read, it's cool to say aloud, and it's cool to read over and over.

I have no criticism. I think it's superb.

I agree with Nate, and, personally, I like the original form the best, it breaks it up nicely.
Great poem!

~Skye Demon

Very cool. Kinda gives a feeling of how insignificant we really are, and how easy it is for God to create and destroy us..

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

Wow! A really cool poem! I loved this poem! I didn't mind about the format, as I like poetry, and don't really mind about how it looks

One little thing: the punctuation kind of stopped! I was thinking how awesome it was that you remembered to punctuate (it's my pet peeve when people don't) and then it stopped.

Other than that, excellent job

Keep writing!

Pgsgirl x

Please don't bump old threads.

*locked*