I like the idea behind this. But it seems like you take forever to get to the point. You take several stanza to explain things that have absolutely nothing to do with being like your father [the bridge, the ocean, the traffic, the rain, the sidewalk] and it turns the reader off because in those first few stanzas they quickely think that there will be no point to this poem other than to be descriptive, and that's boring. These stanza serve no purpose at all, and I would remove them--go through and decide which points you made that NEED to be there, and how little description you actually need of your surroundings to make your point.
The idea is good--it has been done several times before but you don't see it much on these forums...and this is a somewhat unique way to put it. But it does still need some work.
I found that some stanzas made no purpose as well. I agree with write me you should take some of the stanzas out. Other than that I think it's a pretty good poem.
Loz
I'm only laughing on the outside. My smile is just skin deep. If you could see inside I'm really crying
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal. — William S. Burroughs
