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Cursed (a Devorantem Animarium short story)



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Sat Jan 07, 2012 8:29 pm
PandaRawr says...



Spoiler! :
If you haven't read the first couple of chapters for my book here are the links
Chapter one viewtopic.php?f=365&t=83854&p=883209&sid=57158d5b85f42d122c79f466ae25d447#p883209
Chapter two viewtopic.php?f=365&t=84457&p=887171&sid=57158d5b85f42d122c79f466ae25d447#p887171
Chapter three viewtopic.php?f=365&t=87181&p=911762&sid=b64be7879674500164a62fa7b0895a03#p911762
Oh and here is a link to describe exactly what this post is if you weren't sure: blog/PandaRawr/


Damien stopped at the edge of the forest, and looked down.The little village was barely even that. He could see maybe twenty small tepees beside the creek, and they were all tiny looking as if to only hold two people. In the fading light he could see figures rushing around preparing for dinner. Children's cries of laughter could be heard just beyond the hill that the village rested on.

The sound of rustling leaves made Damien step back into the shadows. Ready to retreat into the forest again, he started to turn, but stopped when he saw that he was not alone. Behind him was a man he knew well. Even though his skin was darker and his hair hung down to his waist, Damien would forever know those black eyes. Julius was much younger in this life than the last.

When Damien faced him, Julius lowered his bow which had been previously been aimed at his chest. "Only you could sneak up on me Julius," he said to the Cherokee. Julius still had his memories. He knew who Damien was.

"Balik. That is my name now," he said solemnly. His voice was tired and his eyes weary. Damien was not surprised that he spoke English.

Damien nodded. "Of course. How is she?" he asked, getting to the point. She was the only thing that mattered. Balik moved beside him so that he could also look down on the village.

"Happy. She is called Chandrika. She has only seen five winters." Damien envied Julius that he got to spend the years of happiness with her. Whenever she met Damien everything changed.

"Her family?" he asked already knowing the answer. None of her family lived long after she was born except for Julius. Her protector.

"Gone. My father was her uncle." So he was her cousin. Last time he was a brother.

"Can I see her tonight then?" he asked. He would not be able to stay away long. The desire to be near her, to protect her, was sewn into his bones from the moment he saw her. Before even he was assigned as her eternal guardian.

He knew Julius would not approve. He wanted to keep her away from the darkness for as long as possible, but he knew nothing could keep Damien away. Julius sighed and the exhaustion from all of his lives could be heard in that sigh. "Very well then," he said, "I will take you tonight." Damien nodded his thanks and turned back to the forest. When Julius blinked, he was gone.

Spoiler! :
Sorry it took me so long and that I haven;t posted any new chapters. My My laptop broke, and I get limited time on my dad's. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it.
Last edited by PandaRawr on Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:44 am, edited 5 times in total.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.
  





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Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:39 am
Payne says...



Howdy.

The little village was barley barely [barley is a type of grain...] even that. He could see maybe twenty small tepees beside the creek, and they were all tiny looking as if to only hold two people.

[Just a suggestion, but consider rewriting the last sentence. You state that the tepees are small, tiny, and look as though they could only hold two people. If you wanted to simplify the description, you could just stick with the part about their judged capacity. It is a nicely succinct description.]


Damien would forever know those dark black eyes.

[Technically, black is as dark as it gets. Consider using something like 'dark gray', 'coal-colored', or just 'black'.]


That is my name now. [should be a comma, not a period]" he said solemnly.


Damien nodded, [this should be a period instead of a comma, as 'he nodded' is an action, not a speech tag.] "Of course. How is she?"



...I'm a bit lost. Who is Chandrika, now? I skimmed over the third chapter again, just to refresh my memory, and this chapter seems completely removed from it. I have no clue where Damien is, or why he's there. Is he there looking for Balik/Julius?


Confusion aside, this chapter wasn't bad, but there's just not a lot to comment on. It seemed a little flat, not much color or texture to it. Since it is so short at the moment, you could do so much more with it if you wanted to.

Please let me know if you post another installment! Happy writing.
I aim to misbehave.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? --Steven Wright
  








The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree