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The Nightmare - part one - two



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Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:43 am
NightWriter says...



Sorry! This is supposed to be a chapter, I just accidently put it into 'short stories'. You understand, yeah?
Spoiler! :
The Nightmare is written strangely. There is a prologue, and later there will be an epilogue. There is a part one, part two and part three. In each of these parts, the story is again, split. Not split into chapters, as expected. But split into the characters. Him, Her, Him, Her. So yes. This story will be a little hard to follow. Thankfully, it's good enough to. The title will always be "The Nightmare" and then "prologue" or "part one" followed by the number that we can assume as a chapter. In the description bar, it will say 'Him' or 'Her'. I think we can figure that it is their point of view. I'll put this spoiler on every one, just so you know.


Him.

She’s nervous. I can sense it. With face crushed onto the dirt of the arid ground, I try desperately to obey my other senses and listen to them as well as I can. A warm current of blood streams pleasantly from my right arm and when I feel her eyes looking towards it, I hear a just audible gasp.
As her hesitant footsteps spin her web closer, an electrical bolt spins around me until I’m almost shaking with adrenalin. I can’t believe them. I can’t believe my luck. Here I am, thinking that my student would be like the others – old and experienced in our ways – when in actual fact I’ve gotten a girl! A new girl, an untouched girl. A terribly, terribly human girl.
A grinding begins in the pit of my stomach which turns a resolute dizziness on in my head. I know I have to teach her. She knows nothing. She’s naïve. They obviously gave me the girl because they knew I was capable of her. I close my eyes against the gravelly dirt as she takes another breathless step closer.
Her breaths come quick and light. She’s nervous.
I force my breathing to a still, thoughts chasing themselves in my mind.
What if I teach her well enough? What if she becomes good enough to be my partner?
I strike those thoughts down with a strange arrogance. It won’t work like that. She’ll be assigned to an equal by the leaders. I’ll have nothing to say about it. The thought burns.
Another footstep draws her closer to me and my thoughts cease abruptly as I sense her hand drawing to my shoulder blade.
She pokes it with a shaking hand and when I don’t move, she takes a deep, slow, reassuring breath. When she touches me next, I have to actually force myself to hold on to my focus and not move. Her touch is like water.
Her hand finally gains the courage to grip hold of my shoulder.
She still doesn’t speak.

With a quick internal argument about it being the right time, I make a convincing groan and push myself up with my good arm.
She jumps back, startled but doesn’t run, remaining where she is, curious.
I stare at her as she takes me in.
She’s younger than I had first thought. Her hair is a dark blonde and her obviously tanned skin shows that she hasn’t lived here for long. She’s very slim in the moonlight, her silhouette taking up less space than a young tree. Her feet are bare and covered in the sandy dirt of the ground which strangely intrigues me.
Her eyes are as blue as they come. They shock me, which is unusual. They are big and surrounded by long lashes. They are the colour of a Mediterranean sea. They sparkle in the moonlight – a distinct laughter behind her fearful curiosity.

She speaks first, breaking the silence that echoes throughout the landscapes. “What happened?”
Her voice is like music.
Last edited by NightWriter on Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:00 am
minimoe30 says...



I really like this story. It left me wondering what's going to happen next or what do expect. But your story left no traces of what is to happen later in the story which, in my opinion, I love so you can keep reading to find out "what happened." I'm very curious so I hope you write more about this. I think it was a Fantasy Short Story, but it shouldn't just end there! But, that's just my opinion...soooo, keep up the good work!
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Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:07 am
NightWriter says...



Oooh, sorry, it's supposed to be a chapter work! I'll change that :) The rest of the novel is on my portfolio if you want to take a look. Thanks for the review!

NightWriter x
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Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:05 am
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dogs says...



"With face crushed onto the dirt..."

There should be a "my" in here. So like:

With my face crushed onto the dirt...

"A terribly, terribly human"

wouldn't the second "terribly" be terrible?

Hey Night! Damn I'm not the first person to give you your review!! :(. Rats! Anywho! This is good although I like the other one a little better because of the intensity and suspense, this one is just simple plot line, moving the plot line forward which is good and obviously necessary. I actually encourage you to write longer "parts" or "chapters". It would incorporate more suspense and intensity in my personal opinion but thats just me. So far this is good because of the mystery around "him" and the entire mystery around the entire story and background that still remains in your writing, I do hope you might clarify it soon yes? Anywho!!! Keep up the good work!!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:20 am
NightWriter says...



Hey Dogs! Thanks for the review :)

I added the second 'terribly' simply to stress the point, rather than 'terribly, awfully' or something. Still, thank you for that. The mystery as to who he is is uncovered, I'm pretty sure in the next section. And as for longer parts, I regret to inform you that the ones I have written only get shorter - in general anyway. I will keep it in mind for the ones I have not yet written, though.

Anyway, talk soon, have to run and, you know, write. Ha.

NightWriter x
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