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Luminosity



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:34 am
creativityrules says...



If you go into the forest, just far enough so that you begin to wonder if you're lost, you'll hear the music.

At first, it will be subtle; you'll catch a flickering note every few seconds, convincing you that what you're hearing isn't the sound of your mind losing itself. Your feet cool against the moss carpeting the forest floor, you'll find yourself walking as if you're in a trance, arms relaxing, eyes closing partially as you become mesmerized by it.

It's simple music, but there's something about it that calls to you, an aura that sends shivers shattering your drowsy heart, incapacitating any inkling of thoughts you may have had that would convince you to walk the other way. Any self control you may have accumulated over the course of your life vaporizes as the notes drift into your mind. They'll be gentle at first, like a frail spring wind; then, they'll become stronger, like the sound of waves slapping the seashore.

Your body begins to move, every muscle turning to liquid, your arms twisting in strange, fluid motions. It is a peculiar sort of dance. There's a faded familiarity about it, a stonewashed sort of remembrance that lingers mistily in your thoughts. Suddenly, a memory flashes into your mind, and you faintly remember a time of luminescence and soft voices, necklaces of stars and shrouds of spider's webs. Your head tilts, nodding with the music, and you discover that you're singing, uttering delicate words of a language you had no idea you knew.

Then, you begin to see them.

Shining dimly through the trees ahead of you, you see the lights. At first, you wonder if they're fireflies, but as you walk closer, you perceive that they're not.

They are suspended in mid-air, casting icy light onto the surrounding trees. If stars, the envy of every light, plummeted from the midnight sky, even they would pale in significance. Shades of lavender and amber swelter in the middle of the orbs; around the edges, the light fades to silver.

You see him, and you halt, eyes wide, pajama-clad shoulders slumped, bare feet moist from your trek through the woods.

He's leaning against a tree, sinewy arms cradling a guitar, slender fingers brushing the strings. As he sees you, he glances up, ruddy cheeks bathed in silver light, and a smile rushes across his face. Returning his gaze to his instrument, he continues to play.

It's more than music. Music doesn't possess the power to encompass the rapturous delight of what he's creating. You're reminded of every single beautiful thing you've ever seen, each warming breeze you've ever felt, every time you've been entirely happy. From time to time, his eyes flicker up, staring at you. He's not handsome, but he is wonderful, and that alone is enough to make your heart shudder clammily in your chest.

Body swaying, you dance, your body moving independently of your mind. The grin on his face broadens, a strange sort of happiness radiating from the depths of his eyes. Suddenly, as if he can't contain himself another moment, he stands, still playing the guitar. Then, he holds the guitar out in front of him and speaks in his deep voice, cooing lovely words, members of a language contrived of the midnight air. Stepping back, he turns to you; behind him, the guitar stays suspended in the air, the strings strumming by themselves.

Silently offering his hand, he gazes into your eyes. You feel him running over you, caressing your spirit, wrapping himself around your heart. A shy smile fluttering over your lips, you accept his hand, and together you immerse yourself in dancing, entwining around each other. The lights waver as the music comes to an end.

As he leans in, your head tilts back, and the world blends into a harmonious symphony of luminosity.
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:40 am
abbie651382 says...



Gosh! It was so beautiful! Well-written. Your imagination was extremely wide. Everything's so magical. You have the hands of a good writer. (Bow) Thumbs up! Keep writing. :)
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Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:19 am
DragonGirl11 says...



That was incredibly beautiful! Like, wow! (It doesn't help that the guy I like fits oh-so-nicely into that fella's description of course ;) ) The only thing is, it shifted from future tense (I think) to present tense around the third paragraph.
Amazing, amazing story! Love it!
Write on, and God bless!
~DragonGirl11
~*~

"You could look at the raindrops on your window, or you could look through the window and see the rainbow."
~K.C. Oxford

<YWS>
  





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Sat Dec 10, 2011 10:26 pm
DevanEWilliams says...



Hello there! Since you reviewed my piece, I decided to return the favor. :D
If you go into the forest, just far enough so that you begin to wonder if you're lost, you'll hear the music.

I cannot tell you how much I absolutely love this line. It sounds so mysterious and surreal, and you did a wonderful job of capturing the dreamlike state of mind. Usually, I don't like second person point of view, but for this it fits perfectly. Another thing that I like about it is that it seems to almost be bordering on insanity, but because of the point of view it's in, it gives the reader the idea that everyone experiences events similar to what you go on to describe.
In the next few paragraphs, I can really feel the descent into the subconscious. Your descriptions are fantastic. You have incredible details that make the entire story really come to life for me.
Shining dimly through the trees ahead of you, you see the lights. At first, you wonder if they're fireflies, but as you walk closer, you perceive that they're not.

They are suspended in mid-air, casting icy light onto the surrounding trees. If stars, the envy of every light, plummeted from the midnight sky, even they would pale in significance. Shades of lavender and amber swelter in the middle of the orbs; around the edges, the light fades to silver.

This is really good. I like how you gradually reveal details. This really draws the reader in and wants to find out more.
What I like about the progression of the story is that it gives the character the sense that everything is falling into place, and that they are meant to be there. A sort of surrealistic idea that their destiny is being fulfilled. And this idea is shown very well by the last line:
As he leans in, your head tilts back, and the world blends into a harmonious symphony of luminosity.

This line is so beautiful. It really brings the whole piece together.
So, one thing that you might want to be careful with is run-on sentences. Some of them aren't necessarily grammatically incorrect, but they are long and gets a little...not quite rambling, but I think you know what I mean :)
Also, this has already been mentioned, but the verb tense does change throughout. It wasn't too distracting, but it is important to stay consistent.
I'm really glad you shared this piece. Keep writing!
~Devan
Stay away from limbo bears.
And always have extra marshmallows on hand in case of emergencies.

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Thu Dec 15, 2011 8:54 am
mithrim96 says...



Wow, that is one of the most captivating short stories I have ever read and I hope I can continue reading stories as wonderful as this forever. A little mistake (I thought) is that you wrote:
He's leaning against a tree
and then said
he stands, still playing the guitar
. I just thought that standing may be the wrong word choice from leaning. If maybe you said, "leaning against the base of the tree" or something similar the impression would be better. I still absolutely adore your story though!
Keep writing for as long as it brings you joy!

"It's important we build up a level of trust. That way I'll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder." - Skulduggery Pleasant (read it!), Death Bringer, Derek Landy
  








People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
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