Young Writers Society

taken down & thanx for the feedback

Hi there, prettybage. 'Tis Lavvie.

I have to be honest, this was probably the more disturbing of stories I have read recently. It is absolutely nothing pleasant to read, let alone at night when the imagination runs wild and deceives. There's not much I can deduce from this - whether 'tis an excerpt from a novel or simply a story that you felt the need to write, I don't see much point to it at the moment. Shall we discuss?

Your beginning was weak and phrased badly. I feel as if you had a strong idea in your head and that, if you could simply send out these images of a first snow falling, it would be okay. However, you struggled to write the opening scene as eloquently as you appeared to wish. This is obvious due to the artistic sense of the scene that is ineffectually described. You did not supply us with specifics and thus left much room for the freedom to interpret. At first, when it is written Then it dissolved too and so did I, one may have many things to consider to how you, as the writer, is using the verb to dissolve. The protagonist - are they falling into a dreamy coma? Are they literally dissolving? Who knows since this is fantasy after all. With fantasy fiction, anything can happen. You must be clear, especially when so many vague points precede and will follow this statement. A weak opening scene is nothing attractive. You have good ideas, but it's a matter or learning how to execute these ideas.

There they filled up with color, sagged, and dissolved.

What do you mean, they sagged? Realistically, snowflakes are minute in size and usually quite indistinguishable in characteristic and action. Are these unusually large snowflakes, original to this fantastical world? Be precise and clear. Dismiss all concepts of ambiguity within this world. Remember: the audience has just started reading and they don't know what you know tons about. Write thinking like a journalist for National Geographic. We don't know anything so it's up to you to teach us right.

And when it came to the flash forward in time, to the present where Zhilko is recounting this story to his children, I cringed. It's a sudden change in the story with no forewarning. I dislike it much since it isn't entirely obligatory. I do understand that it ties in again with the ending (which we will discuss soon enough), but even with this first flash forward, it does little to support the theme of the story, which is as weak as your opening. At the moment, I don't like these flash forwards because they seem nonsensical in regard to the plot. This is a bloody and gory war which we know nothing about - we know nothing about what caused the war or Zhilko's history or who the races that fought were.

I'll jump ahead a bit and then go backward from there since now that I have mentioned these flashes forward into time, I may as well bring up your ending. The ending was still like your opening - weak and obviously rushed. It shows the little substance and theme developed for and within the story and the redundancy for which it also represents. Honestly, you can easily remove all the flashes forward into time and your short story will be so much better if you intend to keep it stand-alone. However, if you decide against this, there is much work needed. More background information will then need to be provided and perhaps a few scenes of the actual war itself, and then maybe acquainting the readers with Zhilko as the protagonist and a few of his own acquaintances. Without some beforehand knowledge, it is difficult, as a reader, to really dwell upon the events and think. Without, it is just words formed into neat, describing sentences. But I strongly think you should remove the flashes forward and instead, somewhere, hint that this story is being told years after. Maybe at the end, but only subtly or else it would be ruined.

I'd like to be clear in the fact that I am not alluding to the fact that I dislike this piece. It is, in fact, not too bad, but it does obviously need improvements, like any other written things, even already published pieces. I think this could have potential and I much enjoy how you write. It's different, in a way, and mysteriously refreshing. I believe you can take this kind of a review and I do hope you take into consideration every point I have made. Each one is as important and meaningful as the last.

If you have any questions about this review in particular, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

Yours,
Lavvie

Hi Lavvie,

thanks so much for your feedback, love your style. Feels like a young Lovecraft or Henry Kuttner has read a piece of mine in a magazine on the cover of which a female is cringing from a space squid and has send a letter to the editor.

Every point you have been kind enough to raise shall be examined, weighted, subjected to invasive and non-invasive internal analysis, tagged, filed and packaged.

When the time comes to smooth out this story and make it presentable and publishable your feedback will serve me well in choosing how to clarify who dissolves and how.

Fat snowflakes are real; they be like clumps of white matter a quarter of an inch across, spiraling slowly and quietly down. I'll have to insert somewhere along the way that this is happening inches from his eyes or something. The overall structure of the story I'll try to keep though.

Hello there
Whew, I finally made it. Everything, combined with a sick computer has just thrown me off track, but I'm here. After reading that story you sent me, my comments have changed a bit, but I never really had much negative to say in the first place so. Here are the nitpicks (Or nitpick):

Every movement, every step, every blow I had to make while fighting a despicable desire to ran away.

I don't really get this sentence.

So I read Lavvie's review and I don't necessarily agree with it. First of all, your introduction was absolutely amazing. The imagery in there was just well brought out. The part with the snowflakes in the blood- now I've never seen snow in my life except on television- but the way you described the snowflake in blood was just so creative and I could visualize it clearly. Besides that, I liked how you described your character's injuries to the point where he has to witness gentle snow being dissolved by blood. I really liked that contrast. You really are well equipped when it comes to describing events meticulously. Anyway.

The only problem I had with this story was the transitioning from the war scene to the scene in front of the fireplace- the first one that is. It's a bit confusing. I only understood how it fit into the story at the end when you concluded things. I don't know, maybe it's just me. So maybe you could try and bring it out a bit so that I don't have to guess that this man was actually telling a story about the events I've been reading about. Maybe have one of the children ask a question about the story while the father was distracted by his ale or something like that. Another thing about that part is that it's a little rushed. You know how you described the scenery in the war, the blood, the surroundings, the atmosphere- I'd have liked to see the same texture in the fireplace scene. Make it visible to me that this man is telling his children an old war story and they are gripped by it. You could also add some of his feelings in there too; how proud he feels to be there with his family sharing a story in front of a fireplace. The ending too could also use some of the character's feelings. When I read it, I didn't feel any love coming from Galana even after her husband said that wonderful line about being man and ready to marry, you know. I don't know if my point is clear enough.

Anyway, after reading the story you sent me, this is very commendable and I hope you continue with the good work.
I hope I could help

Keep writing and good luck!

Hey, Ziggie,

thanks for the very to the point feedback. The first household fast forward to the future scene is indeed threadbare - I have to flesh it out a bit with a few additional descriptive sentences.

The confusing bit: "I had not been as brave nor as good at fighting as I had expected to be. Every movement, every step, every blow I had to make while fighting a despicable desire to ran away" is confusing because, as Lavvie implied, one has to remember that the reader knows only what you show or hint at, and every word counts, especially if you hint. I should change the second 'fighting' with a synonym, to evade misunderstanding, and rearrange the first sentence so that 'fighting' is first, and 'brave' last - making a bridge to the next sentence.

And the feelings - I thought I'd try to convey them with understated hints open to interpretation - his wife flushing and stroking her hand, and project the content home family onto the dog yawning... I'm still learning this understatement thing, but I know that when one learns to apply it stuff starts rocking:) And conveying emotion and or atmosphere through animals and stuff, like here blog/pettybage/authors_using_animals_to_convey_atmosphere_b-51848.html awesome.

Thanks again, Ziggie