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Under the light of the Moon



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Reviews: 7
Wed Oct 19, 2011 5:22 am
itybityclutz says...



Let me tell you a story. It's a story about a young gir land a dragon, a very big dragon. With teeth and claws and everything. But this isn't your average fairy tale. There are no knights in shining armor with shiny swords and wavy always perfect hair. No evily evil kings with big bad thrones or wicked queens who turn into old crones. No fairy Godmothers or Godfathers. No weepy damsels in distress ready to kiss the first stranger that rescues them. This story is about a girl who writes stories in her heavily guarded bedroom in the very big tower in her head. & the dragon that flies to her window at night and sheds tears only she can understand, and the very beautiful princess that would rather wear her fathers shirt and her brothers boots with her mini skirt and ripped tights then the dress stepwitch insisted she wear. & she did, but only at night with the beatiful boy who wore tattooed wings on his back and never wore a shirt. This is a story about a little girl who writes poetry onto her wrists and has never been kissed in the sweet way that fathers kiss mothers or stepwitches, or touched the way teenaged boys touch the pasty girls who wear too much makeup  and wish they were beautiful. This is a story about a girl and her princess and the beautiful boy with wings and the dragon that cries only for her because she understands what it's like to die and still be alive. This is a story about a girl and a princess and a beautiful boy with wings and a dragon that cries who only come out at night because under the light of the moon they can dance with only the dead and sinners to judge them.
  





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Reviews: 8
Wed Oct 19, 2011 9:05 am
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titikemp says...



I love this... It's really weird, but i think understand what you're saying. It's really cool, you just put "about a young gir land a dragon" but that's just a typo. It was a little hard to understand, but only because a tornado of info was packed into such a small space, but i got it, it just took me a second :) I like "This is a story about a little girl who writes poetry onto her wrists" because even though it scared me a little, the way you wrote it was so creative
“Miracles only happen to people who don’t give up!” –Ivan
  





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Wed Jan 04, 2012 9:07 pm
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Seshat says...



I love the idea here, I think is really good. A little confusing, I had to re-read a couple of parts and it's compacted but my only real corrections would be some minor grammatical errors. Like:

about a young gir land a dragon

Should be girl.

wavy always perfect hair.

Might be rearranged to: always perfect, wavy hair.

No evily evil kings

Consider one 'evil'

& the dragon that flies to her window at night and sheds tears only she can understand, and the very beautiful princess that would rather wear her fathers shirt and her brothers boots with her mini skirt and ripped tights then the dress stepwitch insisted she wear.

This is one big sentence, if it were me I would shorten it.
Also 'the dress her stepwitch insisted she wear.'

only come out at night

Should be comes.

Few grammar mistakes but Other than that I love it!
Keep writing!
Seshat O'Dair
I'd rather Waltz
Than just Walk
Through the Forest,
The Trees keep the Tempo
As they sway in Time!


"Evil guys get all the cool clothes."
~Isis Hawthorne
  








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