Young Writers Society

“Why do you always say sorry?” he practically yelled at me. “You act like everything’s your fault. You’re smothering everyone around you! Sai can take care of herself. She doesn’t need you,” he spit out the last sentence.

I stared at him, tears burning in my eyes. “You’re right,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’m… never mind.” I walked towards the huge mountain cliff.

“Wait, Ladli,” he said his voice more gentle.

I turned towards him, mad at myself for the tears in my eyes. “All I wanted to do was help. But I’m just making things worse. Goodbye,” I said softly.

I turned and ran. The rain made the ground slippery. I could hear Shamim’s footsteps behind me. I came to a narrow ledge and slowed, walking across it sideways. “Don’t go!” Shamim’s voice was getting closer. I tried to speed up. He didn’t need me. Nobody needed me. I was just a nuisance, always thinking everything was my fault.

My foot slipped. I tried to grab something, anything, but my hands gripped empty air. I fell for a second in slow motion, too shocked to make a sound.

Suddenly I jerked upward, feeling like my arm was being pulled out of its socket. I looked up, trying to see through the rain. Shamim had grabbed my hand. I felt like crying, not that it would make any difference with the rain. I smiled up at him and he smiled back, grief marring his face. He started hoisting me up, pulling my arm and making it throb. I hope I hadn’t dislocated it.

I got to the top and he led me back along the ledge in silence. I was surprised by how far I’d gotten. We got back to the main ledge and he grabbed me, holding tight. “Ow,” I said, reaching up to clutch my shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Shamim asked, pulling away.

“It's just my shoulder.” I was unable to keep the pain out of my voice.

He held my arm gently. “This will only hurt for a moment,” he said, then snapped it up.

“Ow!” I yelled, then “Hey the pain’s gone! How did you do that?”

“My father was the town physician,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that you know,” I said, hugging him.

“Yes I did. I took my frustration out on you. None of the things I said were true. Sai needs you. I need you.”

I looked into his eyes, letting his words sink in. He smiled and brought his face closer to mine. I smiled back as his lips met mine, clutching him to me. He put his hand on the small of my back. I wanted this perfect moment to last forever, his warm lips pressed to mine. All too soon, he pulled away.

“We should get back to Sai,” he said, turning towards where our camp was.

“Yes, we don’t want her to worry if she wakes up. And Ikuto’s probably hungry,” I replied, interlacing my fingers in his. I winked at him and we walked back to try and get at least a little sleep before heading down the mountain in the morning.

Hahaha, good job? The ending looks like something out of a farce comedy, somehow. Anyway, the only major correction I can make is this:

“Heyy, Liz, im on ma way over, do u want me 2 get u anything @starbucks?” Karen replied on the other end. (the protagonist is named Liz, the friend is Karen)

“Yah, just a white choc. mocha, k? ” I said.

“Kk, see ya soon! ” she replied cheerily.

Putting ma phone down, i got up and thru on some clothes. Then, grabbing ma wallet, i headed downstairs and out the door. Liz (should be Karen, I was confused here!(arrived 5 min. later. I hopped in da car. She handed me ma mocha and we headed out.

Good luck! Writing these kind of stories is fun.

Hi there!

Hmm, this seems to be a story about, well, nothing. xD For a lack of a better word.

Now, I went to the contest and read through the details, and it says that you're supposed to convert a chapter of a novel to text? This really doesn't seem to be that. You might want to go back and read through the prompt. How I know this is because you tried to cram in a bunch of information like where they work and about their interests into a paragraph, and no published novel is like that.

And if you want to enter this in the contest, I think it should be full text. Yours kind of bounces back and forth. one minute it's totally grammatically correct and the next second I'm like "what are you talking about?!" Anyways, this is an interesting approach, I'd suggest that you add a bit of plot to this? Because the car breaks down and then nothing really happens. Except for the flowers, which seems totally random, and you never get around to describing that.

Also, how is this a fantasy short story? I don't see any fantasy in this. And if you're planning on continuing, you should probably put a part 1 in your title, or if it's a chapter book then I can move it to novels for you. But you didn't seem to categorize this right.

1. you should go back and read the prompt to see if what you wrote actually works
2. you should find the correct category for this.

Keep writing!

Classy

Yes, this story suddenly changed! I hated the other one I did, so I submitted another...please review this one differently!

I really enjoyed it, even if it was a littl elike we jumped in at the middle. I can only find two nit-picks and that is when you said, "You didn’t have to do that, you know,” and you need a comma in between that and you. There was only one more thing and that was when you got to the last sentence, "I winked at him and we walked back to try and get at least a little sleep before heading down the mountain in the morning." It kind of ran on and it took me a second to figure out what you were saying, so, you probrably could break that down and make it a few other sentences. But I enjoyed it. So, nice story.

-Xreigon