Young Writers Society

On a lonesome planet robbed of life, where the mist swayed thick and little was seen—Abaddon treaded. He walked, propelled by his eager will to find his father’s shield, once held by an immortal grip, the shield that fought through many wars and won many battles, the shield that would bring him peace and rest, surety and comfort. Once it is in his grasp he would know his father, he would know himself and never doubt his origin or the man who conceived it ever again.
In his stride he could barely see or hear, for the silence defied his sonic embrace and the smothering mist partially blinded his vision. The smell of dew clogged his nose in a manner so fresh it; jolted his mind in a spiral of godlike perception and sense.
He walked amongst crevices pierced with colossal arrows tangled in vines that, bore lush grapes; thousands upon thousands of spherical crimson kernels in bunches that each would perfectly fit in the hand of giant, infinitely appetizing to the tongue and appealing to the eye but, Abaddon walked unmoved, focused on the point of his venture.
He came across an enormous sword, pierced into the ground, that brought his journey to a halt, luring his unyielding focus in as it gleamed bright even though the sky was dark. In its reflection he beheld a vision, a clear visualization of a battles genesis. A row of archers each crouched on one knee, beneath a grey sky but amongst the purest of nature, at the ready to fire, pulling their arrows far back. Before long, they fired. Their arrows discharged with unrivaled speed, leaving there wobbling bows behind, shooting through the air, Abaddon’s eyes followed intently, till he caught a glimpse of his father’s stern face, ready to embrace the impact. Abaddon drew a sharp breath as the arrows pierced his father’s shield and cut his fingers, permitting the release of blood down his arms to stream, in a pattern unfamiliar.
Then the vision turned its sight back upon the archers, only now there was a dark robed figure amongst them holding a sword sharper than the tongue of a slanderer, with a grape pressed on its tip. The robed figure rose its sword and hurled it through the air, sending it through his father’s shield and straight through his father’s palm. There was no sound.
The vision vanished and, all Abaddon could see was just the sword. He ran over and touched it, hoping the vision would return, but all he could feel, smell and see was thick the dripping of grape juice down the sword. He smudged some on his fingertips then put it on his tongue and, tasted the pain and death of his father with widened eyes.
He gazed around frantically, in search of an escape, heavily breathing, switching stances like a mad man. Knowing very well, that he stood on the very shield he searched for and, he would never come to terms with his father’s death.

Hi there!

I quite enjoyed this piece. I like how it jumps right to the action. You did a great job describing the scene your character is seeing. I could visualize everything you wrote. Good job! Your main character is developed well too. You gave us just enough information that we need in order to understand this. When I first read through this I thought about a dozen other things that could happen after this ends. You left us hanging, allowing our imaginations to run wild.

Overall this is a great piece. Keep writing!

Hello.

The very first thing that jumps out at me is the fact that you like to use commas. Perhaps a bit too much, in fact. There is more than one instance of a comma splice as well as places where it's more appropriate to use a period instead of a comma. A good example of both problems can be found in the following sentence. The part in red is something I'll get to a little later.

Their arrows discharged with unrivaled speed, leaving there wobbling bows behind, shooting through the air, Abaddon’s eyes followed intently, till he caught a glimpse of his father’s stern face, ready to embrace the impact.

The frequent commas make the writing choppy since it looks like the narrator is trying to connect two independent clauses without bothering to use conjunctions or make separate sentences out of them, which is just a long-winded way of saying it looks like you're replacing conjunctions and periods with commas, a very big no-no in grammar. If you want to connect two independent clauses (a group of words that can stand as their own sentence) then you use a comma in combination with a conjunction. For example:

I really like cats, but they make me sneeze.

This would also be a good time to mention that when connecting two independent clauses commas come before the conjunction, rarely, if ever, after. You can also remove the comma entirely if the sentence works without it, though it's better to keep it if you're not sure.

Moving on to the comma splice. "till" is short for "until", and while the word "until" is indeed a conjunction commas aren't used with time-related conjunctions, making the comma next to the "till" inappropriate and therefore a comma splice.

To remedy your comma problem I suggest you review the rules for using commas.

As for the story itself I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. It's quite heavy on the description, which is something I'd normally stick knives into since I'm a fan of plot and character driven stories. But then I start thinking that maybe this piece was written to paint a vivid picture with words instead of tell a story, and at times I think you succeed in doing so. You not only emphasize how things look but how they smell, feel, and taste, which adds to the imagery.

I actually disagree with the above poster who said that main character is well developed. The reason why I don't feel the same is because I don't know his history or personality, two key factors that determine whether or not I'll share the emotions of said character, which is just another way of saying that I prefer intricate and complex character establishment and development. But I digress as that's a matter of preference. Besides, since I view this piece as more visually focused than plot and character focused the minimal characterization of the main character doesn't bother me too much.

All in all this can actually be an enjoyable read provided the reader has the right mindset (heavy description for the sake of description isn't everybody's cup of tea. I'm surprised I enjoyed it). The style (for lack of a better word) is interesting and something I don't usually read, but I don't think it's a style appropriate a plot-character centric work. If this was intended to be a plot-character centric work then a lot of effort is required to emphasize character and plot and minimize descriptive elements.

Hope this helps. You're free to PM me with any questions or comments.

--Dover